Heartbroken-greedy aunt wwyd

I don't know if it's me getting confused, or previous posters.

My understanding is that the silver was a wedding gift to the OP's grandparents, who were also the aunt's parents.

The laws of inheritance where all these people are citizens, state that personal possessions of a deceased are handed down directly to their children i.e. this set of silver belongs to the OP and her siblings, but that they had decided it should stay in the family home until their father passes on. The aunt and living siblings of hers all got other of their late parents' possessions when the OP's mother got the silver.

The silver was not OP's father's to give away to his sister in law, who knew that the OP in particular, had great affection for it and did not want it to leave her branch of the family.

The OP's distress is that knowing this, her aunt, who she thought she had a warm and loving relationship with, covertly went behind her back and pressured her father to hand it over, knowing the upset that would cause.

Regardless of the item, or its monetary value, I would also be upset and angry at the turn of events. I'd also be annoyed at my father, who, technically, according to what we've been told, had no right to gift away any of his late wife's personal belongings and could well have predicted this outcome. Despite the aunt's pressure he should have said I'm sorry, but if you want something of your sister's then you need to talk to my children, I can't speak for them.

Edit
@BigSilly if the silver meant so much to the aunt, she could have negotiated to take it when her parents died. She obviously had something else instead and it's been a very long time that it's been in the OP's family, virtually all her life.

I'm shocked at the amount of people accusing you of being 'grabby' over this, OP - you've repeatedly stated that the items aren't worth anything but have sentimental value to you. That your aunt can't see why you might be attached to items from your GPs house when you were very close, and that the attachment may be more personal since losing Mum, speaks more about her than you.

I do think your Dad was out of order to hand it over without consulting you. He clearly did that for his own benefit as he wanted her off his back.

I'd be distancing myself from her going forward. She IS grabby and manipulative and doesn't deserve any special attention.

Unfortunately, death can really bring out the worst in people, OP.

... And stop saying she is a thief. The items legally belonged to your father, and his to do as he wished with. I am sure your gm would have wanted them to go to one ofvher own daughters first and then a granddaughter

Give her the socks Back explain how you feel and demand your silver back immediately. See what happens. Then you decide whether you can continue to have a relationship with her

The silver was her mother's wedding gift, I feel she has more of a right to it than you tbh. When she dies you will get it back!

What was written in the will? If there was no will, this sort of thing is precisely why you should make one. Word of mouth means nothing, anyone can claim Mr/Mrs X promised me that 20 years ago with no evidence.

Ultimately you can do nothing other than decide whether or not to kick this woman out of your life.

It's pretty shitty behaviour from her, if otherwise she is a decent person then maybe the silver set means more to her than you realise? Maybe it holds special memories for her and is something that helps her to cling on to memories of your nan and mum. Maybe you could ask her to leave it to you when she passes. For her to do this if she is otherwise a good person it must mean an awful lot to her. Is it worth hearing her out and trying to work out why the silver set means that much to her that she would risk upsetting her family over it.

You had a disagreement and your Dad gave her the silverware. I really don't see anything wrong with it all. She wanted, so did you. He gave it to her. You clearly feel some serious righteous indignation here and are willing to sacrifice the relationship. I can't imagine it would have made your grandparents or your mum happy.

You are given your greedy horrible untrustworthy relations but thank God you can choose your friends.

You are not being unreasonable at all. She is a narcissistic human....she grew closer to you in order to drop down your guard around her. Leave her out in the cold where she belongs, let the silver keep her company. Explain to your children that due to aunty stealing something that belonged to your mum, they can no longer be around her. Your children will also learn that nasty behaviour such as theft has consequences.
Yes it's only a material item but guess what her actions speak of greed and nothing more. Let her keep ammasiing material items and being on her own....she is definitely a selfish silly cow.

Sorry but that sounds ridiculous and mercenary to me. What is wrong with a gift that took hours of labour? Would you really prefer something just bought in a shop because it was of greater monetary value?

I am feeling extremely sorry for your aunt, and think some of the responses here are disgusting. Your aunt has no children of her own and has been very good to you. You had an attachment to the silver, but so did she, in fact probably more so as it was there during all the years of her childhood. When your Mum died it belonged to your Dad, but she and he both knew that she valued it far more than he did. I don’t see that she has done anything wrong. For all you know, she plans to leave it to you in her will.

Imo you are unkindly cutting off your aunt for no good reason.

As has been stated about 67 times in the thread, the OP is not in the UK, so UK law where a spouse automatically inherits everything in the absence of a will does not apply.

Having said that, the OP is being cagey about what country she's in whose law apparently states that everything passes to the children of the deceased and nothing to the spouse.

Ask her why she feels it's hers. Explain that your DM used it on special occasions when you and DF were there, so you feel it's an heirloom from her. Perhaps she feels she has a greater claim to it.
Telling her she stole it is exceptionally difficult to move on from unless you can talk calmly.

My DSister laid claim to all my DM's jewellery etc. She also took photo albums from my DF house in the years following DM death. It's very unfair and not what DM (or either if my parents) intended to happen. But it's something that we both know she did, and I'd rather be the sibling without the stuff than the sibling who took things for herself because she wanted them.

How much money do you want to throw at this Op? You can get a solicitor to write a letter that might spook her into giving it back

Absolutely right on all counts.

Why wasn’t it her Dad's to give away if he wanted to? When one partner in a marriage dies, their property passes to the other partner unless they have made a will saying differently.

The Dad probably didn’t care much about the silver personally but could see that his sister-in-law did, as it had belonged to her parents. The OP should be blaming him, not her aunt, though actually I can see why the aunt might value it (emotionally) more than the OP.

The “silver” - first of all, after your mum died, it belonged to your dad. He gave it to your aunt, she didn’t steal it. It sounds as though it was meaningful to her, having belonged to her parents. Are you even sure it was silver, and not silver plate? You said yourself they weren’t wealthy, so it is unlikely your aunt wanted it for its monetary value. Why don’t you ask her if she’ll leave it to you her will, if she has no children? And use it as an excuse to include her in family events -ask her to bring it along as a family tradition.

@Noihin I think your response is very measured. Cutting people out is very difficult and causes a lot of ripples in the wider family group. I have a family member I’d like to cut out but low contact is a better option for everyone else. Sadly I don’t think you will regain that specialness which ultimately will be her loss.

I’d play along and steal it back personally then keep it at your house and never allow her back and cut all contact. Cheeky witch!

but if what you say is right...Dad inheriting it, then it was his to give away which he did.
.....and we still don't know which country it is where children inherit over a spouse in a case of intestacy......Op keeping very quiet!

I think unless your mother made a will that intended her mother's silver to go to you then legally you hsvent got a leg to stand on if your dad was beneficiary of it or if she died intestate your dad as her spouse would most likely get it unless it was a large estate in which case the first so much goes to him the rest divided - from memory of dealing with my parents affairs.
Morally though....what a bitch, please cut her off completely.

A lawyer would do jackshit. The father willingly gave away HIS property.

@Noihin the only thing I would add is, unless you ask others what was agreed when your Mum got the set you can’t be sure your relationship with Aunt has been deceitful from her side? Maybe they were going to take turns to look after it. Maybe Mum was given it as the rest of what she got was of least worth. Or maybe the others knew she wanted it. But maybe your Aunt wanted it and she and your Mum agreed to share it. Your Aunt should have had a conversation with you but probably assumed your Dad told you and you were aware.

It really really gets to me that MN jumps to NC so easily.
The aunt has been good to the OP - babysitting & lending a car are both v generous.
The comment further up this thread that dealing with childless relative is “transactional”, is just so so awful.
The aunt is also grieving, she has lost both her parents and could well be quite lonely.

She is totally wrong. You could get a lawyer on this. It was given to your Mum and in her passing, it goes to your Dad unless either Will says differently.
Honestly I wouldn’t back down on this on principle but it depends if you want to salvage the relationship. I wouldn’t though, she’s a sneaky manipulator. X