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Original poster

Doubting my parenting style

62 replies

CleoPappa · 25/12/2024 01:49

Hi all,

I'm probably being unreasonable but need some outside thoughts.

Today we went to a church service with some of DHs relatives then one invited us back to hers for a takeaway.
This relative has a little girl who is 3. We have 3 DC who are 1, 3 and 5.
Parenting wise I've always been so cautious of not spoiling my kids. For Christmas they will get 4 presents from DH and I, 1 from Father Christmas and a stocking. They really don't want have many toys. We aren't struggling financially but I grew up in a less affluent home so I also find myself reluctant to buy my kids expensive things (just feels like a waste as they have no concept).

This relative is the opposite. Her daughter has more toys than my 3 combined and many many of these are expensive (think £300 doll house for Christmas and a whole collection of £50 Mon Ami soft dolls). Her room is like a princesses room with a canopy, expensive rocking horse, expensive bedding, hand painted wall art of fairy ballerinas that look just like the little girl. For Christmas she is getting a dolls house and the accessories from Father Christmas then another 12 items from her mum, more from grandparents/aunts/uncles.
She also just spends a lot more on her daughter, the dress she was wearing was £100, and she has a different dress for each Christmas "event" (Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Boxing Day, nursery Christmas party, going to the theatre, New Year's Eve and New Year's Day), I asked to see the dresses so I know it's my own doing but she must have spent thousands on Christmas.
My two girls were in absolute awe of this little girls life, all the presents under the tree, her gorgeous room and pretty dresses. I know they have no concept of the financial side of it but my kids have one Christmas dress each year and if we have new years plans I'll pick a second hand party dress up for that.

Now I'm thinking, why on earth am I doing this? I feel like I've been told over and over not to spoil them but DH grew up like this little girl and he isn't spoiled or entitled. I'm genuinely not sure why I decided to do it this way when we could give more and do more? I feel like in my circle it's seen as morally superior to give your kids less and there is a lot of bragging about how happy their kids are with one toy.
I'm not saying there is anything wrong with the approach as obviously for the last 5 years it been what I've done but I'm now really doubting it as I could buy my kids more toys, or expensive clothes or spend extra money on their rooms and still give them experiences and holidays.

AIBU to be doubting my approach? Should I just indulge them a little?

OP posts:
Original poster
CleoPappa · 25/12/2024 02:18

RatInADollhouse · 25/12/2024 02:08

When my kids were 5, 3 and 1 they wouldn't have even noticed anything about another child's life to make them envious. It is clear though that you are envious. You rattled off every single thing this little girl has and how many and how much it cost. Your kids will pick up on that. As much as you can you should try to model gratitude for all that you do have, which sounds like a lot more than many others.

Also-- your kids are little. Too little to have strong opinions and want lots of expensive things. Trust me, the time will come when it will be a lot harder to keep from spending too much on your kids. Until then I would save your money.

Yeah the bragging does worry me too. I guess for this particular family they won't ever worry about that as their DD is at nursery in private school and they plan to send her there for primary too, so you can probably safely assume the parents spending thousands on education aren't struggling too much, but our kids are in a village state school with a real mix of kids and even with just a few gifts each I worry about bragging and making other kids feel sad about what they got.

OP posts:
coxesorangepippin · 25/12/2024 02:10

Not even a wall mural, actual paintings ... done by an artist in France

^

Give me strength

These people either have too much time, or too much money

Original poster
CleoPappa · 25/12/2024 02:08

Happiestwhen · 25/12/2024 02:05

I think if you can afford more you should get them a few more gifts. As a pp said , you could find a middle ground. I like to give my kids what we can, it's important to me that when they're older they look back on their childhood and think of how Christmas and birthdays were magical times ✨️

It's made me feel really bad actually, we don't have many other kids in the family so my kids don't really see other kids christmas trees, my 5 year old stood in front of her Christmas tree (very carefully decorated tree) at the 20 odd gifts (some from aunts and uncles etc.) and said are they all for (little girls name), there is more under her tree for one than under ours for all 3!

OP posts:
RatInADollhouse · 25/12/2024 02:08

When my kids were 5, 3 and 1 they wouldn't have even noticed anything about another child's life to make them envious. It is clear though that you are envious. You rattled off every single thing this little girl has and how many and how much it cost. Your kids will pick up on that. As much as you can you should try to model gratitude for all that you do have, which sounds like a lot more than many others.

Also-- your kids are little. Too little to have strong opinions and want lots of expensive things. Trust me, the time will come when it will be a lot harder to keep from spending too much on your kids. Until then I would save your money.

DonaldGumbo · 25/12/2024 02:07

I know what you mean about the competitive frugalness. It's the same in my circle, having lots of presents is sneered at. I think it backfires at times. There is a girl in my dd's class who doesn't get presents, no idea why. Thought it was money problems but family are always jetting off to all inclusive resorts. It's really affected the child though. She is always begging to take toys home with her from play dates or from school.
Like others have said; there must be a middle ground. I'm conscious of how tough things are so I don't want my kids ever to brag. Dreading DS going into school saying he had this and that when other families are struggling. I've told him repeatedly not to.

Happiestwhen · 25/12/2024 02:05

I think if you can afford more you should get them a few more gifts. As a pp said , you could find a middle ground. I like to give my kids what we can, it's important to me that when they're older they look back on their childhood and think of how Christmas and birthdays were magical times ✨️

Original poster
CleoPappa · 25/12/2024 02:02

Jingleberryalltheway · 25/12/2024 01:59

I think there is a middle ground. Hand painting wall mural is a bit much unless you’re mega rich but to children’s eyes wall stickers are just as nice.

Not even a wall mural, actual paintings ... done by an artist in France

Though I'll note this particular side of DHs family are very comfortable financially

OP posts:
Jingleberryalltheway · 25/12/2024 01:59

I think there is a middle ground. Hand painting wall mural is a bit much unless you’re mega rich but to children’s eyes wall stickers are just as nice.

Cobalt44 · 25/12/2024 01:59

Do you want to do more? If so, do it and keep an eye on how it is affecting your daughter. If it seems like she’s developing a bad attitude, scale it back.

I am personally somewhere in the middle. I know what you mean about people bragging about how little they give their children and how they are happy with it. We give multiple gifts but don’t spend as much as the person you’ve described.

Poppyseeds79 · 25/12/2024 01:57

Kids outgrow toys and clothes so quickly though. Plus you have 3 vs her 1 child. Your kids will in the blink of an eye be the age where they start wanting more expensive gifts. If you set a precedent now then it could get to a point where it stretches your resources.

Original poster
CleoPappa · 25/12/2024 01:56

Pinkissmart · 25/12/2024 01:52

I’m with you. Kids really don’t need a lot of stuff

I do still believe they don't need a lot of stuff, but I'm now more thinking is it just nice to have? Like if I can, is there some grand reason not to or have I just surrounded myself with people who think it's morally superior to have as little as possible and convinced myself that is right without thinking about it?

This isn't really about what kids need as I know they don't need a lot and I think his relative knows that too. But they don't do it thinking it's a need?

OP posts:
Pinkissmart · 25/12/2024 01:52

I’m with you. Kids really don’t need a lot of stuff

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