Doubting my parenting style

I have a foot in both camps. I was fairly frugal with my kid, but i always wanted her to have a lovely bedroom and a gorgeous play house or tree house outside. Due to various house moves and on going renovations, she ended up with no tree house and an average room, because we had to constantly juggle the rooms as we rejigged floor plans etc. Looking back I wish id splurged on a kiddie play house caravan or something, or an amazing bedroom chandelier for her. So I would say no to lots of expensive presents, but yes to an amazing bedroom room or playhouse.

There's a middle ground between four presents and going totally overboard.

I would personally get a bit more for young children if it was affordable.

Hello
No, of course there isn't always a connect between excessive material items and lack of boundaries, but excesses can spoil children, and often does. And what material stuff has done in this instance is to make you think you should be giving more, and doubt your own values. Comparison is the thief of joy.
Not sure how you deduced that girly-twee should be discouraged, it was a statement of fact based on your description. Too much of anything, including 'boy-based' colours/images/material things, can be twee.

My kids aren't spoilt but I buy them nice things, which are sometimes expensive. Their rooms are nicely decorated. Why not? You get one short life.
I grew up poor with nothing and it really makes me happy to get them things I only dreamed of.

Children don't need tonnes of expensive gifts, they need love. It sounds like in this house gift giving is the primary love language but also that they equate lots of expensive things with status. That's not what I want for my kids. I want them to grow up enjoying presents but understanding Christmas is about family. So I would say to you, by all means buy more toys if you want but it's worth thinking about why it would make you happier. If you didn't know this relative would you even be thinking about changing anything? The thrill of a new toy is so short lived and it must be hard to value everything you have when you have so much.

Find a happy medium.
(and I don’t mean a cheery Doris Stokes 🤣)

Merry Christmas!

Please don't get into competitive spoiling of children. More and more research is being produced on the effects of lack of boundaries, spoiling etc, on children's emotional development. It is not good news.
You sound so very balanced and sensible; just because this other child has a room that has been hand-crafted by French artisans and and an explosion in a girly-twee factory, doesn't mean your attitude to presents is wrong.
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/2642617/

Surely if you get like 20 presents every year, your house will end up really cluttered?
I really think that when children have too many toys and material things, they stop noticing and appreciating them. To the extent that when my daughter is in a room with one toy, she'll play with it for ages. If she's offered 5 toys, she'll ignore them or get bored with them much more quickly. Less is more.

I think giving them 4 presents each is plenty! Any more and you'd have a house full of clutter, they'd be overwhelmed and it would just lead to a lot of waste.

The sad truth is, a lot of people live for material things. It gives them meaning. I don't think that's something to aspire to or to actively try and teach your kids.

Same here as Perdita. We also have a large extended family, so even without parental presents, there is a pile under the tree.

Different people have different priorities.

I am not really bothered by brands. If something cheaper fulfils the same role/looks as nice, then I’ll get that (including using the PTA second hand uniform sale). If I perceive additional value in the more expensive option, then I’ll get that. That might be it working better, being more durable, draping better, etc. So, to me your £9.99 dress is much more likely what I would opt for than the £100 dress, as I see little utility in that expense for something a child may only wear once.

I prioritise experiences over things. I would rather spend on travel to novel places. My child has a lot of extra-curricular interests, and I’m happy to plough my money into these, as she values them. We’ll also buy things through the year as needed.

Maybe see it as part of a wider question about priorities. I’m actually unlikely to buy either the £9.99 or the £100 dress. I’m more likely to make the garment myself. I find activities like sewing and knitting quite mindful, as I have to concentrate just enough that it distracts me from work, so I can unwind. I can choose the fabric and pattern, I can ensure that it is well fitted, that the fabric is properly cut, pattern matched and sewn. I like knowing that nobody was taken advantage of in the construction of the garment (fabric is more tricky, and I am unsure that any new fabric is not problematic in some way). Many other people would look at the time and expense involved in this, and decide that it’s a waste of their time. To me, the creation process is therapy AND I end up with a perfect bespoke garment at the end. I know that I am an outlier in this decision. I know other people judge me because they look down on homemade clothing.

Each to their own. We all have different priorities and preferences.

Your Christmases are completely fine. You don’t have to match the in-laws.

I think you are at one end and they are at the other.

Most people are more in the middle.

My kids had loads of toys as pre schoolers. They were mostly second hand from nearly new sales or charity shops.

I do think kids benefit from a big range of toys - duplo, dolls, trains, play kitchens and food. There's a reason nurseries and pre schools have a big variety.

You are entitled to parent the way you want to and how you see fit (providing its not harming your kids). Children will always see things thst other kids have and be in awe - there's no avoiding that.

My personal take on what you've described is that it's a bit excessive but joyful. If you are thinking of shaking things up a bit, maybe you could capture some of the joyful elements, like the beautiful bedroom (it doesnt even have to be expensive) and an extra party outfit? There is a middle ground - it doesn't have to be all or nothing.

I don't think having nice things necessarily leads to being spoilt, as long as children are grateful and their expectations are managed (saying 'no' sometimes is so improtant), I think it's fine to have things.

I think you are doing the right thing. The amount people spend is just ridiculous and it's completely wasteful to buy so many toys the kids won't play with.
The several dresses is all you need to know though- it's all for show and us not about the child.

When they get older they will start asking, save your money while you can!

YANBU, and quite honestly, your parenting approach sounds awfully misery. They are only little once.

If you can afford it, you should.

You don’t end up with spoilt kids depending on the amount of stuff you buy them. You end up with spoilt kids due to a lack of appropriate parenting, regardless of whether you’re rich or poor.

Where has this crazy idea come from of buying kids millions of presents?

Dh and i are pretty loaded - no financial limitation
My kids get:

• a stocking of small bits (bath bombs, card game, sweets etc)
• one big present from us like a large lego set or whatever
• a book set
• gifts from grandparents/aunts/uncles

Thats loads?

I’m sure you can find some middle ground without being over the top.
Remember you have 3 children and have to budget accordingly. Also kids don’t need that much stuff…..just think about where it’ll go and what you’ll do with it afterwards.
Material things have a place but giving your children time and making memories is really more important

I'd go in the middle. No need for what you are doing or what they are doing, they are both extreme ends of the scale. Somewhere in the middle sounds great.

This. We live in a very lefty, crunchy area and I hear you with the competitive under parenting/only buying second hand/not wrapped for the environment/no waste thing. Which I do kind of agree with but tbh we go all out at Christmas as we don’t buy the much the rest of the year. I remember getting loads of presents!

You can learn a lot from the stoics. It's perfectly ok to enjoy nice things, just don't tie your happiness to them. Depriving yourself is, on a deeper level, just as self indulgent as spoiling yourself rotten (when it is done for the 'moral superiority)- I say that as someone who struggled with anorexia for many years. The key is finding the sweet spot between appreciating things on the moment but not being dependent on them or expecting them. I give a handful of carefully chosen gifts to my DD. I also buy things for friends and family. For us Christmas is a time for celebration and giving gifts is a part of that. I think it's even more fun when the children are involved in buying for friends and relatives. It's a great way to teach generosity, thinking of others, gratitude, patience & self control (during the lead up!!). The quantity and monetary value of presents is never important. Your time will always be the most precious gift you can give. It sounds like you have the right idea. Don't feel pressured to match your friend. If you can and want to treat them to some more, that's perfectly okay to. Have a lovely Christmas!

I think k there is a middle ground OP. DH and I are fortunately very comfortable but both grew up pretty poor. I struggle now with the balance of not spoiling the kids (I hate spoilt kids).

I tend to go more conservative at Xmas (albeit far more than 4 presents) but we spoil them more with experiences. Lovely days out, holidays etc.

I don't waste money like that on clothes though. They grow out of things so quickly! What a waste

Interesting discussion.

The thing is, at that age it's pointless to get loa of gifts as they will literally forget about them several minutes after opening if they have loads. They won't all get played with. It doesn't matter if it's a £200 doll or £15 doll, it will be lost amongst the 25 other elaborate gifts.

With clothes they outgrown them so quickly! Again it doesn't matter if it's £85 dress or a £9.99 dress, if they will outgrown it in 6 months they'll outgrow it.

Even if your mega rich it's just wasteful more so than it being to stop spoilt brat behaviour. Even if I won the lotto I wouldn't be buying shit tons of stuff that won't get played with again after opening or only worn a few times.

That being said, there are certain elements that can create a beautiful childhood materially that isn't wasteful. So the beautifully decorated bedroom will have several years. Luxury bedding will be slept in every night. Fancy hair accessories put in everyday.

You can do a OTT Christmas without the waste. Such as an itinerary with amazing experiences like frozen on ice, Disneyland Paris, Christmas markets etc.
Put it all on a calender over a fortnight.

You can gift wrap the presents with bows, bells and whistles and fancy packaging so it looks stunning and OTT under the tree.

It's about honing in on what's worth spoiling the kids on with what ends up being wasteful tat regardless of the price tag.

I would go middle of the road, but that’s how we work. We go OTT at Christmas and birthdays, we don’t buy things throughout the year unless needed.

No french murals, but a couple of pics from Etsy 😂

Save your money for when they all need driving lessons, and money towards uni and first homes. They'll value that far more than hand painted wall murals and dresses long outgrown