To cancel Christmas for 18yr old DS?

This is a recent episode of 24 hrs in police custody when a neice took all her uncles money for drugs. It is a police matter it's financial abuse.

Surely you’ve reported him to police? If he’s done this and it goes unchallenged that’s a green light to offend again. Troubled or not I’d be showing him his actions have consequences.

If he's allowed to get away with this he will be emboldened to commit more crimes,if he can do it to gran he'll have no qualms in doing it to others.
I'd make it a police matter.

Yes, I think using his present money for the next few years to repay gran is a good idea. What an awful thing to do. I would find it very difficult to speak to a relative who did that.

If you are not going to call the police, I would arrange a family meeting to make arrangements to safeguard gran and her finances.

Personally as DSM unfortunately I don't think you can do anything it needs to be his Dad.

He’s 18 and has committed a crime, one exploiting a vulnerable relative. This needs to be reported to the police.

He’s not disturbed or traumatised. I know of two very similar circumstances in RL. People can be awful to elderly people, and when they are staying with them convince themselves they somehow deserve it.

In one of the cases - with a family member in her 30s who was doing this - it turned into a very complicated situation as all the elderly man’s money had gone and he therefore needed social services help. He was adamant the police should not be involved - partly shame, I think, as well as loving the family member who had relieved him of his cash.

It wouldn’t hurt DSS to sit in a place where he thought there would be criminal consequences. Just getting away with this will mean he’ll get the message he can do this sort of thing again. What is your DH’s take on it all?

And 💯 yes, all present money to repay his debt.

I would feel ashamed if he was my son and I would not waste time in reporting him to the police! He has STOLEN money, but to make matters worse he has stolen from his own grandmother and shared the money with his girlfriend making her an accomplice to his crime.

The grandmother needs safeguarding with the county adult social care who will demand that the police are also informed.

I am appalled that the OP is only concerned about cancelling Christmas for this lowlife - get a grip OP, you are harbouring a criminal!

If this is a genuine post then you can the police and report the theft.

If he isn't taking it seriously then you must get thr police involved otherwise it will only get worse.

Where is he going to love now? Clearly he can't live with MIL!

This is terrible - you must feel horrified and ashamed.

However, I did just want to add that my own DSS did something very similar to this, when he was just a little younger than yours. Startlingly similar in fact (I can't go into any more details).

Well over a decade on, he is now one of the most sweet, altruistic, loving people I know, and even tho I am no longer with his dad, DSS and his lovely partner remain two of the first people I can turn to in any crisis.

The key is, I think, to understand what is behind it. Why has he done it? If it is simply desire for money, and he just doesn't care on way or another about his nan, then yes that is almost psychopathic. But often there is much more to it. Is he being threatened by someone? Scared, possibly? Would his girlfriend have known about this and been getting involved?

Please think very carefully about telling the police. Well frankly I just wouldn't do it, ever, to a member of my family. Not over a theft (however callous and disgusting, as I agree this is).

As for cancelling Christmas - his gifts, certainly, should be returned and the money used to pay back as much as possible of what he owes.

I do think, however, that ostracizing him would be a potentially disastrous choice at this time, in terms of his future outcomes. As we learnt with my stepson, these were the times when he actually needed the most love from us. (And yes, it was very hard to show it). When it all came out what he had done, the shame was very very intense (tho he masked it with anger, self-medicated it with booze and drugs, etc) - we actually became quite scared that he would seriously harm, even kill, himself in the depths of his self-loathing and despair. He still to this day sometimes requires reassurance from his sister's and I that we don't still hate him for it.

So if you can force yourself to, I would try to spend time with DSS. Show him that you still love him and that in time you will forgive him, once he has done everything in his power to put this right. He needs more than anything to believe that change is possible.

Good luck. So sorry this has happened. And sending all best wishes for the health of your poor DMIL, who sounds like a lovely, trusting person.

Another stupid question:
Has MIL confirmed the money and her items were stolen?

First things first I hope you have removed him from your mils home. He needs to stay with you and I'd personally contact police. What a scummy thing to do when someone is at the most vulnerable. This needs addressing. Definitely no christmas presents.

What Helen says!

This is elder financial abuse.

This is fraud and embezzlement and potentially carries a custodial sentence.

Also, what DON'T you know about? How long has he been ripping her off? £20 out of a pensioners purse a couple of times a week, a missing gold bracelet.....

He's scum. I hope she never has to be exposed to him again.

Of course she needs to report it to the police. An elderly woman is being robbed blind. The quicker he hits rock bottom the better - the more people protect him the longer it will take him to get there. You're not doing him any favours at all by protecting him.

This might be a stupid question but you said he had been “stealing money from her bank account on a regular basis” but also that “He was getting money for running errands and helping out around the house”

So in looking at MIL’s accounts how were you able to identify which payments were stealing and which for running errands?

You could call the police - but there's no going back from that. And it's hard to do for a DS/DSS.

He needs to know, this gets paid back in FULL, ASAP. This kind of behaviour needs to be shown serious consequences as follow up.

And somehow needs to be drilled into him that this cannot happen again. This behaviour manifests and people like your DSS will only take it a notch further each time, and will likely try it on other vulnerable people... and get away with it like he has this time (as far as I'm aware from the thread).

In truth, he sounds like an asshole. A selfish asshole, maybe it's partly to do with how he was raised but that doesn't in any way give him the right to do what he did. Sounds like he has a shit ton of other issues to lead to doing something like this. And his girlfriend is part of the problem here too, assuming she knows where he's getting his money from.

You already know this from the other comments but it is disgusting behaviour and 'cancelling Christmas' really is the least of your worries. He has deeper issues that need fixing. And he's a grown lad it sounds like, so cancelling Christmas probably won't mean anything to him next week.

Why haven’t you reported this to the police?

First thing, MIL needs to be protected. He has to immediately leave, locks changed, bank account cards cancelled etc.

Then the damage has to be assessed, how much has he taken totally.

Lastly, if you do not want to report this - he needs to be sat down and understand the seriousness of this. He has to understand that he has to put right what he has done wrong or a theft/fraud report will have to be made. He has to be made aware that it all has to be paid back fully and how this is should be done. I would move him in with me and work out a plan ie. If he earns £2k pm then 500 rent, 1k theft payback and he only has 500pm to live on until the fraud is paid back. It has to be brutal and he needs a few financially difficult months to learn the lesson.

There is a fork in the road here and he has to make the decision which way he goes.

A perfect Christmas present would be to call the police

No that's not a problem with impulse control, it's just called being a selfish arsehole.

Call the police on him. I wonder if he's into drugs?

DSS and its Christmas nail the little shits ass to the floor. Stealing, period is a big no no and even worse from someone who is old and disabled. The little rat needs to learn a very big lesson and fast. Might he be shoving things up his nose or swallowing none prescribed items? Sorry for me here there are no second chances irrespective of the fact he ends up with a criminal record he needs dealing with without mercy. There are no excuses for this behaviour.

Why would you post at 140am on Christmas day about taking away his Christmas presents? Surely this is much bigger and more serious than losing his new trainers or Aftershave