Need some clarity as husband not bought me a Xmas present!

I’ve just said this on a thread where another OP has said their DP hasn’t gotten them anything. Remove your DH’s presents from under the tree and put them away. When he has nothing to open tomorrow, maybe the message will sink in. If you continue to give and forgive each time, he won’t get the message. He will either be fine not getting anything tomorrow, or he will say something to you, which gives you the opportunity to question where your gifts are. Where his effort is. Consider how you choose to show up for him in the future. Put the money you would spend on him, into looking after yourself.

Oh and from the sound of it, you don’t work fewer hours than him in your lives. It’s just that you do fewer hours in “paid employment”.

Where are the presents you have bought him? Under the tree? In a hiding place waiting for you to wrap and put out?
Hide them and leave them hidden. Tomorrow at present opening time, the children can open theirs and you and him will have no presents (from each other) to open. If anyone (guest/relative/children) comments do a tinkly laugh and say "DH and I agreed it was silly wasting money on gifts as we would rather put it towards a trip to (dream destination of your choice). We are planning a fab holiday for later in the year."
That'll put him on the spot. He will also probably feel rather peeved that he hasn't got any presents from you. Maybe it will set a train of thought in motion. Maybe a penny will drop.

I am also reminded of when I started a short training course in January a few years ago. The "ice breaker" was "what was the best joke present at your Christmas" (something along those lines). We aren't really a family who does joke presents and I have no idea what I said. But one woman said "My husband gave me a toilet seat". Then burst into tears. She ranted about it for the rest of the day, every time there was a break for lunch/tea etc.
By the end of the course (six months) divorce proceedings were well on the way.

As bad as that was it occurs to me that husband did at least have the thought "I should produce a present". I've no idea if he handily had a spare toilet seat sitting waiting for the moment of glory or if he specifically chose it, but he did wrap it up and put it in the pile of presents.

It's a low bar I know. Wrapped toilet seat or no present at all?? 🤷‍♀️

Also, as ice breakers go, that was a crap one.

I’d be livid if my stocking was the only empty one! How many times has he done this?

Besides presents he is a a good husband but I seriously feel like leaving him as it is like I have no value apart from looking after the kids!

This is an entirely contradictory statement.

All of these glib responses to a woman who is married to a man who clearly doesn’t care about her.

@goodnightgrumble

Stop making excuses. He doesn’t value you. It is easy to buy gifts for people you love.

Personally this would be the last time as I’d be making plans to leave.

What a selfish bastard. I don't believe for a second he's a good husband otherwise
Hold back his presents and stop buying for his family!

Yes, don't give him his presents.
After Christmas see if you can return them.

There's a film or advert where the mum hands out all the presents and is waiting eagerly for hers and it becomes apparent no one thought of her and she was busy thinking of everyone else. Unfortunately, it's a scene that's far too common.

He had time. He's just selfish and doesn't respect you enough to buy a present on the day of the year that's all about giving!

Add this to the drinking just shows he does what he wants and what he wants isn't pleasing you.

So what if he's a high earner. Better to be poor and happy than crying into your comfort.

New year's res should be to get your ducks in a row.

Why is it that some Men of a certain age, think that just because they work and earn more than their spouse, that they are suddenly allowed to stop being a normal functioning adult ?
Honestly show me any woman who has an 'important' job, who also doesn't have to think about anything else ever ?

It sounds to me like he is selfish and I suspect that manifests in a range of ways. You’ve mentioned at least two- getting drunk on your birthday so you could not relax and not getting you a present now (and not really contributing anything to the Christmas preparations). I suspect there are other things that indicate he is his own priority so I do wonder if he really is otherwise a good husband. If we are to assume the best and he’s ’just a bit rubbish’ at buying presents, then he should be capable of having an adult conversation where you can explain how it makes you feel and he can listen without becoming defensive and acknowledge that he’s being a bit rubbish and even if he doesn’t mean it the result is you don’t feel valued. If he can’t do that, then it’s quite hard to work out satisfactory way forward. You could not give him his presents but tit for tat just seems a bit pointless. Does he show he values you in other ways? I do hope so.

Besides presents he is a a good husband

Can I ask by what measure?

Because some people think 'good' means minimal viable product with men. Is he significantly better than you in other ways? Or is he bog standard compared to you?

If you don't feel valued, he's not a good husband. He can't even be arsed to do the bare minimum.

I’m hard to buy for so I give my husband a list (and most other people) because I know I’m hard to buy for. But even then, people can still find some little bits that I’ve not added to my list that I will like, my favourite chocolate, my favourite wine. He literally couldn’t be bothered to buy a small bar of your favourite chocolate when he was passing somewhere.

Even now, he couldn’t have done something. Got you a voucher for a nice meal, got a monthly subscription of something you like and given you a print out of it or even emailed the bloody thing to you. You have kids so presumably you have paper and pens, he could have even taken the time to make a handmade voucher booklet for you with “a lie in” or “night watching the films I hate with no commentary from me”. But he’s not.

You don’t feel appreciated. He couldn’t stay sober on your big birthday when you asked him to. He can’t be bothered to do the smallest gesture to show you he’s grateful for you. If he’s a high earner he doesn’t even have the excuse that he can’t afford it. He will almost certainly have a smart phone and he couldn’t even have ordered you something while he was taking a shit instead preferring to doom scroll or check the sport scores? I’m sorry, I’d really struggle to get over this.

If he is a good husband in other departments, do tell him what you want, and either he buys or you get it and wrap it. Did he take the children shopping for you? Or will they wake up tomorrow morning to open their pressies and see that you got none, or very little?
Anyway, he has tomorrow morning to pop to the shops for some chocs and your favourite poison and give it to you, even if it is a bit late. Also, tomorrow after dinner is your turn to abuse said poison a bit, while he stays fully sober, for real. Given the 26th is just here, you may be better off waiting for the sales to get your proper present.

I see quite often on these types of post people saying you need to communicate what you want to happen/what gift you want etc. imo if you need to drill it into your husband that he needs buy you a Christmas or birthday present and tell him exactly what to buy then you might as well get nothing. Or you might as well buy it yourself. If you have to give him that level of instruction then what's the point? Find someone who values you enough that they don't need to be told.

DO NOT give him any presents!

Also, I'd be tempted not to give his family presents - unless they're children!

I disagree about managing expectations or buying your own gift. He's an adult and is capable of going to a shop, buying a gift, and wrapping it. Give him a list to choose a gift from by all means but don't do it for him. Part of the issue here is that he's too used to having everything done for him and you're perpetuating it by taking over responsibility for this when you're already responsible for everything else too.

I presume he's reasonably competent seeing as he manages to hold down a job, also presuming he can use a computer, make decisions, and manage finances. He can buy a sodding gift.

There would be no gifts for him tomorrow. Give him a taste of his own medicine and see how he likes not having a gift to open. He is not a good husband, he’s a selfish arse who can’t be bothered thinking of a gift to buy you. You shouldn’t NEED to tell him what you would like or remind him to buy you anything. I see it all the time on here that women need to tell their DH to do this that or the other, he’s an adult and should KNOW it’s a decent thing to do to buy you a gift at Christmas.

Edited to add it’s not the same buying yourself something imo. It’s the thought of someone taking the time to choose a gift for you that counts. He could stick his credit card up his arse if my DH did this to me, high earner or not.

This won’t help now but have a lovely day with your children tomorrow OP.

Is this the first time this happens or it’s always been like this? If it’s his usual, not sure why you are surprised. Communicate what you’d like to happen in the future- and if he wants your guidance on what you’d like, send him a bunch of things. Alternatively, before the holidays buy yourself whatever you like with his card and job done.

It’s crappy but I think you can either kick off and cause mayhem or you can order yourself something v nice with his card and then next time there’s an occasion coming up you can say for Xmas I want this and then use his money and buy it and additionally say you would also like something he can reasonably get present wise chocolate or flowers etc.
it’s about managing expectations - my fabulous bloke is rubbish at presents or doesn’t get them (I’ve had a sideboard and a garden gate as gifts) so now knowing it’s not his strong point I tell him what I want and then occasionally he gets me a gift too - admittedly having learnt from the toilet seat he offered to me as a Xmas gift he now sticks to one local jewellers and tbh I think he’s just working his way through their stock as I get the necklace then the ear rings then another necklace followed by probably tomorrow the ear rings.

Stop making excuses for him. Everyone works hard!
Everyone has time to get presents.
He is a lazy twat who uses you ..
Set the bar higher please. This is no example to show your children,..

That’s very shitty. It’s not about expecting masses of gifts, it’s just that he hasn’t even considered you in the lead up to Christmas and doesn’t value you enough even to get you a token box of petrol station chocs. But of course he’s happy for you to carry all of the mental load in organising Christmas. Working long hours doesn’t give you a license to treat your spouse like shit.

You need to genuinely consider if you want to still be in this position for Christmas 2025, because otherwise he’ll continue to treat you like an afterthought knowing you accept it.

As for "didn't have time".... Internet shopping is available 24/7 and he has had twelve whole months since last Christmas in which to plan. I bet he's managed to buy things for himself in that time?

Eloquently put.
He doesn’t care about your feelings, Op, sorry.

Why are you buying presents for his family? Let him show up empty handed next year and see how quickly he finds time to buy gifts.