Page 2 | Not to let my DH travel alone with DC just yet

Hocuspoc · 2024-12-24T19:59:42+00:00

My dh doesn't have the best relationship with his parents. He is also very secretive as to why exactly and it has been like this for years. They live abroad and our DC is their first grandson. He is almost two and they never visited and met him (although invited). They've also invited us repeatedly so they could meet him, but my dh has always refused for us to go. In recent weeks their communication improved slightly and now my husband is keen on paying them a visit with our dc but he is adamant I don't join. Now why this doesn't sit well with me - firstly I am not offered any reason why I am not welcomed to join. And most importantly, my dh is very light touch when it comes to parenting - all the night wake ups, feedings, meals in general, routines - that is all me. He works much more and yes he does jump in if I need to leave them for a few hours, but he doesn't grasp the amount of effort needed to take everything on full time. I'll be worrying around here also not knowing how he'll handle if there is a fallout with his parents (and how does dc fit into that situation - don't know much about their family dynamics as dh has always kept his cards close on that topic - which makes me worry). All in all this seems forced and sudden.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 24/12/2024 21:21

I've never been in this situation but don't you have to give express permission for your DC to leave the country?
If you don't feel comfortable then don't do it.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 24/12/2024 21:20

@Hocuspoc would you be able to find your way to their house alone???

Hyperbowl · 24/12/2024 21:15

Absolutely over my dead body would this be happening. Give DC passport to someone you can trust to secure it properly for you and not give it to your DH. Seek legal advice as soon as you’re able to. Do not leave this down to chance because even in a Hague convention country it can take years and cost thousands to return your child to you.

Original poster

Hocuspoc · 24/12/2024 21:14

Wibblywobblybobbly · 24/12/2024 20:47

It's not fair on a child that isn't used to being cared for by their father for more than a few hours here and there to be carted off to a foreign country to stay with strangers without their primary care giver. Does your child understand the language they'll all be speaking? Do your trust your DH to care for your child appropriately?

I'd offer to go along and stay in a hotel locally. You can have a nice minibreak during the day, go to the spa etc, let them get on with it, but at the end of the day child comes home to sleep at the hotel.

My thought exactly and exactly what I told him - to which he got offended - how come his parents are strangers (asked by a man who refused visiting them). Also how come I think he is not capable of taking care of him alone (asked by a man who never cared to watch a first aid video because 'cmon why do you always think the worst can happen').

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/12/2024 21:08

You are being very reasonable.

Him, not really.

Original poster

Hocuspoc · 24/12/2024 21:06

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/12/2024 20:54

OP how was his reaction to you wanting to come?

Annoyed - would be the most accurate description. Trying to pin it on me being over controlling and not trusting him with dc.
This is why I am writing here to hear different opinions, am I really being unreasonable.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hocuspoc · 24/12/2024 21:02

CandyLeBonBon · 24/12/2024 20:57

It all sounds very cloak and dagger tbh. Not sure if that's actually the case or the way it's being relayed here, in an effort to maintain anonymity

What details do you want from me? My name and NIN? Apologies to you for trying to maintain some anonymity, but am not sharing any personal info here sorry - it is common sense.
The rest of the post is factual and accurate, but take it as you wish.

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Sleepysleepycoffeecoffee · 24/12/2024 20:59

Absolutely no way! Do not let your DC go in this situation. Insist on going with them if your husband is adamant. That is the only acceptable compromise

Original poster

Hocuspoc · 24/12/2024 20:58

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 24/12/2024 20:48

I know you've "explained" this but i agree with @CheeseWisely i just CANNOT imagine how you married someone in these circs and how you are married... he sounds like a stranger of sorts and like he keeps a secret self from you.

I know my DH better than anyone in the world.
He would actually say i am the only person in the world that knows the "real him". For me, its him and my mother that know the true version of me... we know what the other persons feelings /opinions are 99%+ of the time without discussion.

That aside, hell would freeze over before i let my child go abroad without me in the circs you describe.
It sounds SO off.
His options would be: I accompany or theres no trip.

I'd secure the passport and be researching lawyers in the interim and I'd willing to start legal action if necessary.

Edit: I'd also contact them directly ideally via video call - really good suggestion from pp

Edited

Show quote history

I understand what you mean - he knows me better than anyone really, and I do know him better than anyone (probably not better than his mother) - the tricky bit is that he is a very introverted person. He is just the type who grew up thinking men are not allowed to cry or show too much weakness, he needs to sort out his struggles and battles alone.

OP posts:

CandyLeBonBon · 24/12/2024 20:57

It all sounds very cloak and dagger tbh. Not sure if that's actually the case or the way it's being relayed here, in an effort to maintain anonymity

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/12/2024 20:54

OP how was his reaction to you wanting to come?

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 24/12/2024 20:48

QueSyrahSyrah · 24/12/2024 20:22

Absolutely 100% not a chance, although echoing PP's, I really don't understand how you end up married to someone who has always been 'secretive' about his relationship with his family.

I know you've "explained" this but i agree with @CheeseWisely i just CANNOT imagine how you married someone in these circs and how you are married... he sounds like a stranger of sorts and like he keeps a secret self from you.

I know my DH better than anyone in the world.
He would actually say i am the only person in the world that knows the "real him". For me, its him and my mother that know the true version of me... we know what the other persons feelings /opinions are 99%+ of the time without discussion.

That aside, hell would freeze over before i let my child go abroad without me in the circs you describe.
It sounds SO off.
His options would be: I accompany or theres no trip.

I'd secure the passport and be researching lawyers in the interim and I'd willing to start legal action if necessary.

Edit: I'd also contact them directly ideally via video call - really good suggestion from pp

Original poster

Hocuspoc · 24/12/2024 20:48

captainPugwashh · 24/12/2024 20:44

Why won't you tell us the country?

Because of trying to keep it sort of anonymous I guess. It is a Hague convention country - just googled thar. But as I said already - completely irrelevant - I am not keen on having to rely on courts here!!
My question is if I am being paranoid or unreasonable to even think something is off here.

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Neodymium · 24/12/2024 20:48

even if it’s a Hague convention country, it’s not like it’s an easy battle. Better part of a year I think to go though and get the recovery order. I’d imagine being not hands on wouldn’t be an issue as he’d be planning to get his mother to do all the parenting.

Wibblywobblybobbly · 24/12/2024 20:47

It's not fair on a child that isn't used to being cared for by their father for more than a few hours here and there to be carted off to a foreign country to stay with strangers without their primary care giver. Does your child understand the language they'll all be speaking? Do your trust your DH to care for your child appropriately?

I'd offer to go along and stay in a hotel locally. You can have a nice minibreak during the day, go to the spa etc, let them get on with it, but at the end of the day child comes home to sleep at the hotel.

Floralnomad · 24/12/2024 20:46

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 24/12/2024 20:45

@Hocuspoc why dont you contact your inlaws yourself and just ask them what is going on with their relationship and why does their son not want you to travel to theirs. if you do it on a zoom call you might be able to guage their reactions better. do it when your dh is at work!

This is what I would do .

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 24/12/2024 20:45

@Hocuspoc why dont you contact your inlaws yourself and just ask them what is going on with their relationship and why does their son not want you to travel to theirs. if you do it on a zoom call you might be able to guage their reactions better. do it when your dh is at work!

captainPugwashh · 24/12/2024 20:44

Why won't you tell us the country?

MimiSunshine · 24/12/2024 20:43

She was also always kind and polite to me. If it wasn't for him I'd never know they didn't like me.

so you do t actually know she doesn’t like you. He just tells you she doesn’t.
he could easily be telling them the opposite and that is why he doesn’t want you to spend any time together, in case you all figure it out.

id just be telling him that either you all go or only he goes. I’d also be contacting his mum and having a proper chat with her.

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/12/2024 20:40

need to check that, but if this is what I need to be checking - there's an answer for me

Possibly. But I wouldn't allow my wonderful, trustworthy, awesome, great dad DH to take DD somewhere I wasn't invited without a very good reason. Regardless of Hague Convention.

And when she was 2, and if he wasn't hands-on? Not in a million years.

Original poster

Hocuspoc · 24/12/2024 20:39

To avoid confusion - no arranged marriage situation here, both of us from different european countries.
I personally think the reason they disliked me is more due to social status.
About Hague convention country question - need to check that, but if this is what I need to be checking - there's an answer for me...

For whoever asked - His parents are capable, good health, educated (if that matters), his mother very very controlling (although I never told him I think that, their relationship is horrible as it is, no need for me to add oil to that). She was also always kind and polite to me. If it wasn't for him I'd never know they didn't like me.

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Hairyfairy01 · 24/12/2024 20:35

What country OP?

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/12/2024 20:32

my husband is keen on paying them a visit with our dc but he is adamant I don't join.

Hard hard no.

And I'd be hiding the passports.

Is it Hague Convention?

Original poster

Hocuspoc · 24/12/2024 20:31

QueSyrahSyrah · 24/12/2024 20:22

Absolutely 100% not a chance, although echoing PP's, I really don't understand how you end up married to someone who has always been 'secretive' about his relationship with his family.

Well because it wasn't so obvious their relationship is any different than other family living across different countries for a prolonged period. And to be fair they got more distanced (or he has tbh) since we god married - really nothing to do with me interfering or influencing - I just think weren't particularly keen on him getting married.
Also, no religious connotations - just to avoid confusion.

OP posts:

Melodyfair · 24/12/2024 20:30

Is there more to this scenario, arranged marriage perhaps, I feel like you are saying you barely know this man. When I first saw the title I thought it was going to be a post about one parent being over controlling and not letting the other do things with the kids. But I feel like there’s a huge part of the tale missing. For what it’s worth going on what little you’ve said, no way should you let them travel with him.