Not to let my DH travel alone with DC just yet

@Hocuspoc what would he say if you told him you want to come because you would like to meet his parents?

Op, if his parents don’t like you then one would think that your dh would want you to go with him in order to build bridges with them. After all you are the mother of their grandchild. All three of you should come as a package
All very strange

The wierd thing is that I think his reason for me not to come is so he can prove to them he is in complete control - not sure if that makes sense, not sure how to explain it.

He is not and cannot and should not be in complete control, though. He has a life partner (you) and a child for whom he shares control 50/50 with the other parent (you). I keep coming back to the fact that his parents previously invited both of you to visit them. How does that square with the idea that you have that he might want to show them that his is "in complete control" of your shared child?

@Hocuspoc

I think the problem is that there are so many variables to this situation, from your DH taking your child and not coming back to your child suffering neglect or being treated/disciplined by his grandparents (or his dad under their influence) in a way you would never approve of.

I know it's a Hague country, but that involves lengthy litigation to force the return of the child if your DH should decide not to return. Is it possible that his parents have that much influence? I know their relationship is shaky, but could that be because they are controlling? And the fact that they don't approve of you might be even more reason why they'd pressure him to stay. I know I'm probably catastrophizing, but in a situation full of unknowns you must consider all possibilities.

Personally I'd say no. That being said, he is an 'equal parent' and could possibly say 'tough shit' and try to go anyway. You know him, I don't so make your own judgement on that. But I'd be tempted to secure the passport somewhere out of the house and possibly put a block on it showing that the 'other parent' does not consent to the child leaving the country. If you were to do that, what do you think the consequences would be and are you ready to deal with them?

Also, he may say you can't come, but there's nothing stopping you from going, either. Unless you think you'd be turned away at the door.

@Hocuspoc I wasn't asking for anything. I was saying that I'm finding it difficult to fully understand what's going on. You are of course, under no obligation to furnish anyone with additional details but my point remains that it's hard to give an either/or answer or offer advice.

There was nothing more implied.

Have a peaceful Christmas

I would be very concerned that he cannot meet your child's needs and will not bring him back.

Probably completely wrong here, but my first thought is that there is no trip to see his parents. I have nothing to back this up, but his story makes so little sense that I don't think it's true.

Do you trust him OP?

If yes, why don’t you let him take them?

This is making my alarm bells ring massively but probably for different reasons that I can’t put my finger on.

I feel like if you trusted him, then you would let him take them.
And so you must not trust him and I wonder why.

I completely understand wanting to visit your parents without your partner as it’s a different dynamic, but this just seems odd.

Would you compromise and say you’ll go too but stay in a nearby hotel.
He would be free to have the kids at his parents but you would be there in case you’re needed (and if not you can have a mini break yourself).

Yes, this is what stuck out to me.

A whole bloody mile of red flags, op.

Hide your dc's passports.

Why didn't your h want to see his parents?
What has changed?
Why doesn't he want you to go too, op?

You need answers to so these things.

Very strange- my DH would want us all to go together- but would go alone if i couldn’t make it

@Hocuspoc ahh i see it can be v difficult with an introvert...but honestly you are married with a child. He needs to be able to level with you now.

I agree there's a divide and conquer thing going on and its utterly bizarre he cant even articulate a sensible reason (even a plausible lie) as to why you cannot go together as a family.

I have to agree with the majority here. Your partner behaviour is concerning and I would not trust him at all. He wants to take your DC abroad alone because he has a 'right' to do so? He's shown no interest in looking after DC alone before but wants to do it now? He has told you his parents don't like you butt they have not behaved badly towards you? They want to see DC but haven't even visited?

Nope, do not let him take your child from you. He cannot choose to be secretive when it is your child’s welfare at stake. Be honest if it is safe for you to do so and say you are either coming or your child stays home and his behaviour is concerning. You are his partner and the child's mother, so you have rights too.

As someone has already said above, this is a "take the passports out of the house and where he can't get them" situation.

I have to agree with this.

Is he "private" or is he simply a liar playing other people for his own purposes? Thinking logically, it makes far more sense as to why he wants to keep you apart, if he wants neither "side" to expose his lies to the other than his convoluted reasons.......

His refusing to let you come AND not even bothering to make up offer a convincing reason is a huge red flag, especially as his parents have invited both of you to visit them in the past. What he proposes to do is unusual; in a normal relationship there might be reasons why he'd rather you stay home or it made sense for him to go alone, but his being willing and able to TELL you why is pretty fundamental. His refusing to discuss it is, at the very least, disrespectful to you and the relationship.

The issue of him possibly not being able to care for his child on his own is a separate one; he does need to get up to speed there as you should each be able to parent alone if circumstances require it.

"If it wasn't for him I'd never know they didn't like me."

So you only know because he told you? This has red flags all over it. He could have told you and his parents all sorts of conflicting information.

Thinking further, I wonder if him not seeing them has been blamed on you (by him) because he didnt want to tell them the truth (whatever the hell that is). Then something has happened (one of them is ill maybe, or MIL laying on the emotional blackmail) and that means you cant go because you will unravel the lies he told about you not allowing him to visit or for them to meet DS.

I think it’s ok not to know all family details. I didn’t tell DH everything from the very start and some things became known to him recently after knowing me nearly 30 years. It’s not secrecy it’s more like privacy. And people from very different backgrounds often can’t relate to each other families dynamics. However the demand of you not coming with them is very very odd. It doesn’t matter how good and involved your DH is. It’s just a strange request why you, his wife and a mother of his child is not welcomed to go and visit his parents as there is no any problems between you. And bearing in mind that this small child is coming with him and you are the main carer , this request is even odder.
I would be very suspicious and watchful and remove DC’s passport and birth certificate out of the house.
The argument “just because I have a right to do so” never looks good when it comes to welfare of small children. At least it’s a very selfish attitude.

@Hocuspoc instead of focussing on what you want and prefer (which he is knocking down) turn it around.....

"DH, how would you feel if I said I wanted to take DS to meet family I actively avoided, didnt want to see and didnt have a relationship with and told you that you are not allowed to come with us?"

And when he comes back with the inevitable answer....

"No, it isnt different. You never speak of them, wont tell me why you fell out with them, wont tell me why you want to go now and wont tell me why you dont want me there. So again, how would you feel if I wanted to do that?"

The nuclear option is to get an alert put on DS's passport so he cant leave the country without your say so. But that would really be the nuclear option.