Can chemistry/spark/attraction grow with time?

OrNo · 28/12/2024 20:59

Yes because I married him. It turned out I needed to know him more to get that spark in a different way. And in fact I fancy him now more than I fancy photos of him back when I met him or even married him.

So spark can grow the more you know them and the spark comes from something that impresses you or surprises you or amazes you. I'm glad I persevered because 26 years later it'd still there.

JHound · 28/12/2024 20:53

MessyNDepressy · 24/12/2024 19:48

I’ve been on four dates with a really nice guy. He’s lovely, we get on well and have a lot in common but I just don’t feel that spark. He’s attractive but I don’t think I’m attracted to him. We’ve not had a proper kiss yet, only little pecks. I don’t want to rip his clothes off and I don’t get excited to see or talk to him but he is lovely and we have a “nice” time together. My friends think that I should go on another few dates with him as decent guys are hard to come by. AIBU to think if there was something there, I’d have felt it by now? Or can that attraction grow over time? He wants to see me again later this week and seems to be really keen on me. I’m almost tempted to just invite him over at the weekend, crack open a bottle of wine and just make a move to see if anything physical is there but I would feel really bad doing that if it turns out there’s definitely not.

Any help/advice would be appreciated!

It definitely can with some people. I have definitely grown to like men and other men I had to give up after six months or so as I felt nothing for them.

I would say 4 dates is probably not enough time to know either way.

ShatDiamond · 28/12/2024 20:51

I've had instant spark that ended up in repulsion
I've had stomach knots and disgust but decided to be open minded, my feelings didn't improve and I wish I'd trusted myself there.
I have had neutral feelings and then insane attraction that hits me like a truck one day. It lasted ages before the guy ghosted and disappeared which makes me wonder if it was only me that felt so strongly..

If he doesn't give you the ick, if he has all the things you look for and has shown no red flags then date him a little more (2 or 3 more dates) but dont have sex yet.

There is no going back from ick but sparks can happen if your starring point is neutral.

BeAzureAnt · 28/12/2024 20:41

MessyNDepressy · 28/12/2024 20:33

I don’t think it was a lack of respect for me at all, I think it’s possibly more a lack of experience and/or trying to impress me plus nerves. I’ll give it a bit longer and try and lead a bit to see if it makes a difference as so far I would say he’s a really decent guy. If it doesn’t improve I’ll have to walk away unfortunately, I’d rather have no sex than bad sex!

Show quote history

Yeah. Just tell him what you liked and didn’t like, and give it go again. You’ll know pretty quickly.

BeAzureAnt · 28/12/2024 20:39

I didn’t feel a massive spark, but I really liked DH when I met him. I thought…he is a really smart, decent and kind man, and boy I could use some of that. I gave him a chance, we went out a few months, and then I had to take a trip away for a couple months. I realised when we were apart I loved him. We been married 18 years. Give the guy a chance… a couple dates to find out is not a big investment.

Original poster

MessyNDepressy · 28/12/2024 20:33

Trallers · 26/12/2024 21:54

The soreness is miserable. Do you think it was down to a lack.of respect for women or selfishness? If yes to either, run a mile. If it could be general lack of experience or a lack of long term loving relationships where you get feedback then I wouldn't mind, so long as I was comfortable discussing it and improving things together. A kind and decent man is worth everything, but I can't tell from your description of the sex whether it includes him or excludes him from that category!

Show quote history

I don’t think it was a lack of respect for me at all, I think it’s possibly more a lack of experience and/or trying to impress me plus nerves. I’ll give it a bit longer and try and lead a bit to see if it makes a difference as so far I would say he’s a really decent guy. If it doesn’t improve I’ll have to walk away unfortunately, I’d rather have no sex than bad sex!

OP posts:

TooOldorNot · 27/12/2024 13:30

If you like him, work on it.
The first time can be disappointing.
Communicate.
But walk away if he's not willing to discuss it, or improve.

Trallers · 26/12/2024 21:54

MessyNDepressy · 26/12/2024 20:59

Thanks for all the replies. Just for background info: I am 31, have a teenage DS and I’m not overly fussed about getting married/having more kids. If it happens with the right person amazing but if it doesn’t, I’ll still be perfectly happy. I’m actually really happy on my own and enjoy my own company.

I decided to see him again, it went really well and I actually did feel a spark and attraction after a really good proper kiss. We ended up having sex, that I initiated but it was disappointing for me. Unsure how to describe it politely so I’ll just give the impolite version. Little to no foreplay other than ramming a finger up, sort of jack hammer type style but regularly falling out, not well endowed (which is fine if he’d used it well) and over pretty quickly (which was a blessing in disguise). I’m just left unsatisfied and a bit sore 🫠. He does have an amazing body though! And bought me some little Christmas gifts which was very sweet.

Now left with the dilemma of do I see if sex with him improves or not. Genuinely had a really nice time and if the sex had been good, I’d have been quite excited about him.

The soreness is miserable. Do you think it was down to a lack.of respect for women or selfishness? If yes to either, run a mile. If it could be general lack of experience or a lack of long term loving relationships where you get feedback then I wouldn't mind, so long as I was comfortable discussing it and improving things together. A kind and decent man is worth everything, but I can't tell from your description of the sex whether it includes him or excludes him from that category!

Original poster

MessyNDepressy · 26/12/2024 20:59

Thanks for all the replies. Just for background info: I am 31, have a teenage DS and I’m not overly fussed about getting married/having more kids. If it happens with the right person amazing but if it doesn’t, I’ll still be perfectly happy. I’m actually really happy on my own and enjoy my own company.

I decided to see him again, it went really well and I actually did feel a spark and attraction after a really good proper kiss. We ended up having sex, that I initiated but it was disappointing for me. Unsure how to describe it politely so I’ll just give the impolite version. Little to no foreplay other than ramming a finger up, sort of jack hammer type style but regularly falling out, not well endowed (which is fine if he’d used it well) and over pretty quickly (which was a blessing in disguise). I’m just left unsatisfied and a bit sore 🫠. He does have an amazing body though! And bought me some little Christmas gifts which was very sweet.

Now left with the dilemma of do I see if sex with him improves or not. Genuinely had a really nice time and if the sex had been good, I’d have been quite excited about him.

OP posts:

Ablondiebutagoody · 24/12/2024 23:29

Based on the fact that you are not even excited to see or talk to him (let alone rip his clothes off), I would kindly ditch this one.

noobiedoobie · 24/12/2024 23:29

Kiss him and see. If you feel the ick then it's probably not going to work. But slow burns are good.

TheGoogleMum · 24/12/2024 23:22

You need some attraction but don't need to find them super sexy physically in my opinion. Personality and how you click together is much more important

jay55 · 24/12/2024 23:16

I think with smart men and funny men it can grow.

TwistedWonder · 24/12/2024 23:14

Yes it definitely can. I’ve never met anyone I’ve felt an instant attraction to. I don’t get a spark with someone until I get to know them.

I've always been friends first and the attraction has developed over time.

changecandles · 24/12/2024 23:12

WhatTheKey · 24/12/2024 21:47

IME yes it does grow, and it lasts for longer when it's not that initial fireball. DP and I were friends for a long time and there was no spark then, but I fell for him slowly and it has been a far more lovely and somehow more intimate relationship than the others I've had, where I wanted to rip someone's clothes off straight away! I have been him for a good long while now and we still fancy one another very much indeed!

My DH and I were a massive fireball as you put it!
32 years and we still fancy each other.

I don't think anyone can say which was is better or lasts longer.

Elizo · 24/12/2024 23:05

MessyNDepressy · 24/12/2024 19:48

I’ve been on four dates with a really nice guy. He’s lovely, we get on well and have a lot in common but I just don’t feel that spark. He’s attractive but I don’t think I’m attracted to him. We’ve not had a proper kiss yet, only little pecks. I don’t want to rip his clothes off and I don’t get excited to see or talk to him but he is lovely and we have a “nice” time together. My friends think that I should go on another few dates with him as decent guys are hard to come by. AIBU to think if there was something there, I’d have felt it by now? Or can that attraction grow over time? He wants to see me again later this week and seems to be really keen on me. I’m almost tempted to just invite him over at the weekend, crack open a bottle of wine and just make a move to see if anything physical is there but I would feel really bad doing that if it turns out there’s definitely not.

Any help/advice would be appreciated!

Personally I think you know if you are attracted to him. If you’re not, you’re not

BeretInParis · 24/12/2024 23:03

I think a good snog can be very informative. If there's no spark after that, I'd leave it. But I'd definitely meet up for another date with a view to having a passionate kiss to see if there's any chemistry.

UmbrellaEllaEllaElla · 24/12/2024 23:00

I think that without strong physical attraction to start with its unlikely to develop. Physical attraction tends to dwindle with time and familiarity.

TooOldorNot · 24/12/2024 22:59

When I met my dp I thought he was an amazing person, I loved his sense of humour and just how kind and caring he was.
I was not looking for a relationship, neither was he, but I found that I really enjoyed his company. The more I got to know him, the more I liked him. We just seemed ro click as friends.Six months later I fancied the pants off him and, luckily for me, it was mutual.

He is not at all my ususal type and I'm not his. I think starting out as friends and getting to know each other that way first allowed the slow burn to happen, with no pressure.

I say give it more time.

ApplesinmyPocket · 24/12/2024 22:58

Anonym00se · 24/12/2024 21:52

When DH and I started out, I remember having this conversation with my BF. I knew he really fancied me, but I didn’t ‘fancy’ him. I thought he was really lovely and funny, and I really liked spending time with him. She reminded me that every man (bar none) that I’d gone out with who I’d fancied like mad had turned out to be a grade A tosser, so I should give him a chance.

I’m so glad that I did. I ended up falling head over heels, and 15 years later we’re still madly in love. Instant spark can be overrated,

Similar to my daughter's story - she met a nice man on OLD - she didn't feel any 'spark' or attraction - but because he was lovely, and keen on her, and treated her well, she 'gave it a few months to see.'

They married a few years later, and are expecting their first baby in May. You couldn't find a happier couple, they are so much in love.

Honestly, I think the whole 'spark' thing is overrated. Usually women (me included, in my younger day!) get those butterflies more for men who aren't 'nice' but have a bit of the rogue about them

DaringlyPurple · 24/12/2024 22:57

After a pattern of going out with men who weren't long term commitment types I started going out with a "nice" man. My expectations were low I'll admit. He turned out to be really funny, freakishly clever and the love of my life - married over 30 years. This wasn't totally evident on the first few dates I'll admit.

Thewhisperingwindsofwinter · 24/12/2024 22:44

No I don't think it can grow. If the butterflies aren't there then your body has put him in the friend zone.

Keep looking op

MysteriousOranges · 24/12/2024 22:43

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MumOfOneAllAlone · 24/12/2024 22:41

Don't really have any personal experience 🙈 but I think it's one of those things that's there or isn't

Can't you just sleep with him and see how the sex is? That might help you either see him in that light or realise it's time to move on?

Anyideashowtodealwiththis · 24/12/2024 22:13

Tricky one this…

I’d say the spark can grow, but its trickier if you’re looking for it.

i met my DP through a hobby- our attraction grew gradually over a few weeks ( so not that long) but with no expectation of a romantic relationship.

i think if you’re having a date, then the spark needs to be a bit more instant. I think that’s why OLD is so difficult