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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit disappointed that he didn't get me anything for Christmas?

441 replies

Feelingabitsillyatxmas1 · 24/12/2024 16:43

I've name changed anticipating being told I'm "grabby" but I'd like some outsider perspective on whether you think I'm being unreasonable.

New boyfriend. 4 months. Had the exclusive chat and we have both said we have feelings for one another.

It was his birthday last week. I bought him a present. It didn't feel odd to do so, we've spent a lot of time together by this point.

Fast forward to Christmas, I got him a Christmas present. He hasn't got one for me (but has kept me updated about the things he's buying everyone else).

We spent yesterday together and I thought I'd at least leave with a Christmas card if not a box of chocolates or something. Nothing.

I'm feeling a bit stupid for buying things for him now 😔

AIBU (for 1) buying him gifts early on and 2) feeling the way I do now.

OP posts:
Fromheretothen · 24/12/2024 18:02

Yeah, OP. In the absence of a really good reason, or a genuine open conversation about how this made you feel (where there's listening and accountability rather than excuses and defensiveness) this behaviour is not a good sign. Apathy and lack of initiative at this stage will lead to you feeling like you're dragging him through your entire relationship. It's like swimming through treacle, with him holding on to your ankle.

smallsilvercloud · 24/12/2024 18:00

I'd dump him, it's really mean and cruel, even if was a small token would be at least thoughtful, he's been sharing what he's bought everyone else so you can't be that special to him.

Original poster
Feelingabitsillyatxmas1 · 24/12/2024 18:00

He hasn't lead me to believe he's skint no. He has been doing plenty of buying for Christmas, just not for me 😂

OP posts:
Mercurial123 · 24/12/2024 17:53

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 24/12/2024 17:32

If you want a relationship with this man you need to find a way to communicate. Ie you say what presents mean to you and vice versa. You each say how it felt when you did/didnt receive a gift. Speculation isn’t going to move things on.

Do people really have these conversations?

ginasevern · 24/12/2024 17:50

PortiasBiscuit · 24/12/2024 16:52

I am always amazed at the number of women who are shagging men they don’t seem to be able to talk to.
If you want a present, tell him you expect a present.

Nobody tells anyone they expect a present. It's socially unacceptable and humiliating. A present is a sign of affection, gratitude or respect - something that should come naturally from the heart and not prompted or even worse on demand.

RobertaFirmino · 24/12/2024 17:46

He's had your present since Thursday? That really is plenty of time and even if he was busy, there is Amazon Prime. I cannot see any excuse here. Unless he is skint but too embarrassed to say so.

Just to be clear, there is nothing wrong with being skint, especially at Christmas. Has he led you to believe he is well-off, by any chance?

lurkingfromhome · 24/12/2024 17:39

Fromheretothen · 24/12/2024 17:16

And I'm always amazed that some people's bar is so low that they don't think partners should show any thoughtfulness unless explicitly told. But here we are.

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This times a million. So many apologists here for what is actually extremely revealing behaviour. And not in a good way. Total meanness of spirit.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 24/12/2024 17:32

If you want a relationship with this man you need to find a way to communicate. Ie you say what presents mean to you and vice versa. You each say how it felt when you did/didnt receive a gift. Speculation isn’t going to move things on.

Mintupp · 24/12/2024 17:28

Sorry OP but if you've said you're exclusive and he hasn't got you a present that's just shit and I think you need to make a point about it. See his reaction to that, and if he's anything but apologetic then end it. He'd need a very good reason to get away with it if it was me.

Original poster
Feelingabitsillyatxmas1 · 24/12/2024 17:28

Volumedelachanel · 24/12/2024 17:27

How did he react when you handed him his?

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He did seem surprised to be fair, albeit thankful. He has had it under his tree since last Thursday so he's had plenty of time to grab a last minute token gift if he were so inclined 😶

OP posts:
Cece92 · 24/12/2024 17:28

If he is your boyfriend then he should get you something. I've gotten mine gifts and together 6 months give versa. He bought mine first xx.

Commonsense22 · 24/12/2024 17:27

Mercurial123 · 24/12/2024 17:00

I'd dump him. If he's buying presents for others and not you, then you're not a priority. He's showing you who he is

Also, people don't usually tell their boyfriend they want a present that's just weird.

This. You're not his priority.

Volumedelachanel · 24/12/2024 17:27

Feelingabitsillyatxmas1 · 24/12/2024 17:26

I'm glad it's not a complete IABU. I've been going back and forth with myself about it.

At one point I even wondered whether me buying things this early on might seem a bit like love bombing? I don't think that's how he'd see it, atleast I hope not 😫

I'd like to be a fly on the wall tomorrow when he opens his present (which he has put under the tree) and his family ask what he got for me..

How did he react when you handed him his?

Original poster
Feelingabitsillyatxmas1 · 24/12/2024 17:26

I'm glad it's not a complete IABU. I've been going back and forth with myself about it.

At one point I even wondered whether me buying things this early on might seem a bit like love bombing? I don't think that's how he'd see it, atleast I hope not 😫

I'd like to be a fly on the wall tomorrow when he opens his present (which he has put under the tree) and his family ask what he got for me..

OP posts:
DisforDarkChocolate · 24/12/2024 17:17

I'd be thinking I wasn't much of a priority to him, if you're not now you probably won't ever be.

Fromheretothen · 24/12/2024 17:16

PortiasBiscuit · 24/12/2024 16:52

I am always amazed at the number of women who are shagging men they don’t seem to be able to talk to.
If you want a present, tell him you expect a present.

And I'm always amazed that some people's bar is so low that they don't think partners should show any thoughtfulness unless explicitly told. But here we are.

GRex · 24/12/2024 17:15

He may yet show up with a gift. If not, ask him why not. It's a bit weird not to buy at this point if it's a serious relationship.

arcticpandas · 24/12/2024 17:04

Feelingabitsillyatxmas1 · 24/12/2024 16:54

Do people actually do that?

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No. With the right type of man this wouldn't be necessary. And the other type I wouldn't bother with.

MonkeyToez · 24/12/2024 17:03

To be honest at 4 months in I probably wouldn't be expecting OR buying xmas/birthday gifts, but I would also be clear about that in the run up to the event.

Mercurial123 · 24/12/2024 17:00

I'd dump him. If he's buying presents for others and not you, then you're not a priority. He's showing you who he is

Also, people don't usually tell their boyfriend they want a present that's just weird.

Hollietree · 24/12/2024 16:59

Just hold out until tomorrow - he might just be very last minute and you’ll get an email ping through with a spa voucher tomorrow. If by the end of tomorrow nothing has materialised……. then be very disappointed in him and think about whether this goes any further or not. Don’t let it spoil your day today x

EveryDayisFriday · 24/12/2024 16:59

You've only been together a few months, I'd be surprised if presents would be important so early tbh.

BilboBlaggin · 24/12/2024 16:57

How did he react when you gave him his Christmas present? Was he surprised? Embarrassed ? Did he comment about not having one for you?

Borderlineretarded · 24/12/2024 16:56

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theallotmentqueen · 24/12/2024 16:56

He should be really excited to get you a Christmas gift- the first months of dating he should WANT to treat you. Not having money isn’t an excuse either- if he didn’t have cash, he could eg plan a walk/picnic/cheap but lovely day out for you both for Xmas. It’s the thought that’s important.

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