To talk to my SIL / best friend about her reaction to my pregnancy?

You would say that announcing a pregnancy publicly, in person, at their family Christmas is bending over backwards to be sensitive? What would be insensitive in your world then? Asking her to hold the pregnancy test while OP pissed on it?

1. You and your DH were unbelievably insensitive not to text her in advance.

1. Bearing that in mind, you can suck up any barbed comments towards yourselves.

1. You can't allow any adult to be nasty to your children without intervening or at least explaining to them. If her 'coldness' reaches into nastiness you need to keep the kids away from her or explain that she isn't feeling well (or something reasonable they'll understand).

1. Aim to get through Christmas with as much civility and kindness as is possible in this sad situation you've trapped your SIL in by not giving her the heads up.

I think a lot of the comments on here are pretty unfair towards you OP. You aren’t to blame for her misfortune and it sounds like you’ve bent over backwards to be sensitive to her needs. In future be ready for her bitter comments and rudeness and shut them down politely but firmly. In particular I wouldn’t put up with her being cold towards your children. They are her family after all.

There's nothing to say or do. You just need to let her work through her feelings at her own pace.

She’s clearly depressed. Give her some time to get her head round it.

^^This.

Sorry OP but you’ve been incredibly thoughtless and insensitive.

Youre waving it away on this thread as a little oops, but actually it’s pretty awful. Your best friend bared her soul to you about how she’s struggling with really difficult feelings around not having children - and you didn’t give that a single thought when you were pregnant again. Really?!

Lots of women will have had friends with fertility difficulties and when they fall pregnant they don’t just breezily announce it a group gathering without a second thought for their friend. I appreciate it’s not fertility issues but it’s very similar ground with how she’s feeling. And you were well aware of it because you say you’ve already had to make adjustments. You really have been quite selfish here. I honestly cannot believe you didn’t stop to consider how she’s feeling.

Of course you shouldn’t have to put up with snark but I think you owe her a big, genuine apology first.

Lots of us have children and demanding lives - that doesn’t excuse you not thinking about someone else’s feelings, especially when you say you’ve already had to make lots of accommodations for her with family events.

If you apologise properly and the snark continues then I think it’s fine to have a gentle word. But I think in the first instance you just need to say sorry and then leave it, and then see how things continue.

She’s clearly hurting very badly and someone she loves has acted as if her feelings don’t matter. Shes lashing out and this is just going to escalate which will impact your children even more than it is now if you don’t make amends.

I’m surprised at the amount of criticism you’re getting.

Your sister-in-law is the whole problem here.

It is never acceptable to be embittered, jealous and spiteful to others for any reason, and not having her own husband or children yet is not an exception.

She’s not “triggered”, that’s just therapy talk for being a green eyed monster. She’s ostracising and rejecting your toddler children for existing. She’s made comments about your vagina. She’s suggested you will be inadequate parents to your older children.

You’ve done nothing wrong or offensive. Even if she hadn’t been a vicious envious cow, you don’t owe her sensitivity because having children and being married is not an insult to anyone else.

It’s not like she’s had a long and sad fertility battle, she’s just a miserable, self-absorbed harpy ruining her own life out of jealousy.

OK. So now you both want the same thing, but you're the only one who's got it and you're making remarks about the dwindling likelihood of her being able to do the same.

Regardless of what she wanted at uni, and what she's achieved since, she now is struggling and the way you've spoken about that on this thread is pretty unkind. If I had a friend who was showing signs of depression, the last thing I'd be concerned with is whether she was dolling herself up enough to meet a man.

Definitely don't speak to her about her reaction. She went above and beyond for your first and, as these things so often do, it's created an expectation in you that she'd continue to demonstrate that level of enthusiasm. Give her space to breathe away from your family and stop focussing on her so much. It must be so suffocating for her.

I have been in a similar situation to you and it is difficult to navigate. However I don’t really understand how it slipped your mind not to tell her before announcing your pregnancy at Christmas. Surely her being your best friend and having an awareness of the sensitivity of the situation means it would be somewhere near the forefront of your mind? This would come across as tactless and insensitive.

There is also an undercurrent of pity in your posts about SIL, rather than sympathy. I agree with a previous poster; there are different ways of living life and ticking society’s boxes of being married with children is not necessary to be happy or successful. I would be mindful of appearing smug or projecting things onto your SIL, mentioning her weight is wholly unnecessary. You seem quite judgemental of her.

I would suggest it’s best for her sake to cool this friendship with you, which would have happened by now if it weren’t for the family ties. You are at very different places in life which is completely normal, it may be that you re-connect a bit later on.

Exactly this @almostthreedeep
Announcing it at Christmas surrounded by family where she can't leave, have time alone etc is literally the opposite of considerate.
Your poor SiL is obviously finding it difficult and the pain of wanting children and not being able to have them for whatever reason is honestly agonising. It isn't that she isn't happy for you, but it can equally be a heartbreaking reminder for her of what she doesn't have.

The solution was to tell her over text, privately, beforehand so that she had time to think, reflect and decide if she wanted to spend her Christmas in that environment of whether for her own mental health a break this year would have been better.

You and your husband got wrapped up in your own excitement, and that’s understandable, but it does mean you really did not handle this situation sensitively at all.

I guess what might also be very difficult for her is that you've a big family and she's had to 'grin and bear' you being pregnant multiple times, with you planning another in future. It's easier to do all of the support and excitement and joining-in when it's just one or two babies, but someone who has 3, 4 or 5 kids and sort of expects the same reaction for each of them... it's a lot. I speak from experience.

You also speak about her in quite an unkind way, as if you've won at the game of life (man + babies) and she's losing (no ability to attract a man and have babies). It might be what she's thinking, but it also reads a little like you feel the same way. I wonder if she's picking up on that.

It's not an excuse to make remarks as she has but I suspect you're exhausting her and because you're now family, she can't avoid you.

@almostthreedeep I regret it but it isn't something I'd beat myself up about , given that otherwise we've been very kind and considerate all along.

How exactly have you been very kind and considerate? Please give examples, as so far I see none listed on this thread.

I’m sorry OP but announcing a pregnancy, in person, at a family Christmas she can’t just walk out of really wasn’t sensitive at all.

This has absolutely nothing to do with Jellycat's post, which was acknowledging that it must be really difficult for your SIL to watch her university best friend and her brother living the life she wanted for herself but so far hasn't achieved. I think you're missing the point, and you're not coming across very well.

You've tried to be sensitive to how hard this must be for her.

You've also "announced" your pregnancy in person, with other family around, at Christmas, when she can't escape from you or your children and is surrounded by people who are thrilled at your news and want to talk about it.

It's relevant because she's gone from a girl who is keen to find a man, get married, puts effort into her appearance and dates to not putting in much effort at all. She doesn't look after herself like she used to, doesn't want to go on dates, which naturally makes it harder to meet a man

Good grief, are you really her friend?

I think this is very true. It must be very strange when your friend marries your brother. Most people keep their university friendships and their families separate, so it has to be a head fuck when a friend becomes an integral part of your family and then usurps everything you ever wanted in life.

Yeah, there's wisdom in this. If she was 'just' your best friend she'd have likely distanced herself from you a few years ago and the relationship would naturally have fizzled out. But she doesn't have the option to do that, which I imagine is very hard for her.

Her comments sound insensitive and I can see why they feel unsupportive/ hurtful. I think your best bet is to try and accept that it's too painful for her to show the support that you want at this time and recognise where her comments have come from (pain as opposed to malice). Your 'happy news' is unfortunately her 'sad news'.