To talk to my SIL / best friend about her reaction to my pregnancy?

Involuntary childlessness? Dear lord ! There are single people up and down the nation who never married or had children for what ever reason and you think people are really going to tip toe around then? I'm quite upset by people visiting family over Christmas, my parents are toxic assholes who abused me my whole childhood but I don't expect people to never mention their happy extended family ever again. Nobody even knows its sad for me because quite frankly it would be selfish of me to burden them with my issues. But then again I'm not bitter and that's all that ops sil is , she's bitter and jealous.

The OP was insensitive. The SIL was deliberately cruel and insulting.

Bit unfair. 'apparently must devote all her time to tiptoeing around the feelings of her friend Simply by existing as a mother and a relative she is being 'insensitive'. Not devote all her time, just have some tact. And her existing isn't insensitive, it was when she chose to deliver news SIL would find hard to hear, in circumstances SIL already finds hard, and which she can't easily leave. That was the insensitive part. OP isn't being asked to 'run their lives around her emotions.' just to be considerate.

OP already feels/knows she has what SIL wants. And OP can be at PIL with her DC even when SIL chooses not to coincide with the DC ordinarily, because PIL wants the DC there. She didn't need to make it harder for SIL than it already is, she could be the bigger person when SIL is clearly struggling.

OP her reaction wasn’t ok. She’s jealous but frankly she should have kept that to herself.

I think it’s ok to decide you will be “family polite” but not have a relationship.

just to warn you- there’s possibly she will find someone to settle down with and have a baby, be prepared for you to really struggle with being expected to treat this as an exciting thing when your own pregnancy was treated as a problem. She may then suddenly want big family meet ups, after years of you keeping your dcs away etc.

Her comments were uncalled for but you were unbelievably insensitive in announcing a pregnancy at a family Christmas, especially without giving her the heads up first.

This time of year is very hard for single childless women, knowing that another year has gone by and the chance of finding "the one" in time to have babies gets slimmer and slimmer.

I think you or your DH ought to take her to one side and apologise. "SIL I'm really sorry that we sprung this announcement on you. I know this must be hard but we'd appreciate if you could stop the snide comments".

Involuntary childlessness is involuntary childlessness no matter how it arises. Why is it less insensitive just because the sister was not dealing with infertility?

But her situation IS the same as having a fertility issue isn’t it? It both instances somebody is dealing with the pain of childlessness.

I do agree that the sister is wrong to not deal with being triggered more respectfully but to dismiss what she is feeling as somehow being different to a long battle with infertility makes no sense as she is still dealing with unintended childlessness.

I think OP just needs to accept that this friendship will likely not be so close in the future and that’s fine.

Yeah same. Surprised about the response on here (actually not that surprised because it's AIBU). The OP has 2 toddlers and is in the first trimester of pregnancy but apparently must devote all her time to tiptoeing around the feelings of her friend. Simply by existing as a mother and a relative she is being 'insensitive'.

Friendships are difficult, especially ones since Uni. You change, some have successes, some have failures. Some people struggle to form relationships, others not so much. Some people get pregnant at the drop of a hat, others desperately want a family. Constantly comparing yourself to other people is no way to live but that's what the SIL has chosen to do. She can't expect other adults to run their lives around her emotions.

I dunno - I get the point she is making. Sounds a bit like depression and it becomes a vicious circle. You are depressed about your life so you let yourself go, that makes it harder to meet somebody which makes it you more depressed etc.

I get what she is saying. Maybe because I share a lot of similarities with the sister and if somebody referred to me as “no longer making much of an effort with my appearance” specifically my weight, they would be correct.

Thanks god for sanity. Wholeheartedly agreee with this. OP I hope you are still here. You have done nothing wrong whatsoever.

Tis the season to slag off the fat, bitter childless relatives. Her comment was below the belt but this thread has equally unpleasant undertones. Merry Christmas!

I do have empathy for how she feels. It’s hard when you see somebody having a life that you always wanted (especially when it seems to come so easy while she struggles with dating.)
I also get people who lose interest in dating. After a complete shit show some years ago I told myself I would try dating again when I felt emotionally ready and more resilient. That was in 2015 and ten years later I still have no desire to attempt to date again!

I definitely get feeling triggered by others happy families and similarly decline a lot of family invites especially when kids are involved.

But what I cannot empathise with is her cattiness and bitterness towards you plus the awful comments. She needs to find a healthier way to channel her bitterness even if that means discussing it with a therapist.

And don’t feel bad for putting distance between you.

Wtf?! Why can’t op announce her pregnancy?! Because SIL is jealous and bitter?!

I think the word you're looking for is "depressed".

The vag comment just sounds like a joke. She's not really wrong 😂

I don't think you have done anything wrong. She is probably struggling. I wouldn't say but maybe arrange to meet up without your children and talk about other topics.

I don't think you've done anything wrong here. It's hard for your SIL but it's not your fault, even if you gave her a heads up it would still be consuming her. You can have as many babies as you want and your pregnancies shouldn't have to be hidden. Some sensitivity ofc which it sounds like you are already doing.

I have experienced infertility and boy did it hurt but I couldn't expect anything from others that were pregnant. Just keep being kind and make all the fuss of your children even if she ignores them, they are your priority.

I must admit I’ve read the OP and a few of the other posts but I TOTALLY AGREE with everything said in this post here

She said she doesn't want to be invited to the grandparents' house when the kids are there so we always let her know when they are visiting us or we are visiting them so she doesn't come. But Christmas? She knows we'll be here, the grandparents want us here so... we're here.

SIL is struggling so much she's requested not to be at her parents when the DC are there. Then at Christmas when she has to be there when the DC are there, and so is likely struggling, you made a pregnancy announcement. Ooof.

You can see surely how thoughtless that was? Not only does she have to either be around DC which she finds so hard, or else not seeing her family over Christmas, then that too.

And I will say you do come across as a bit smug OP. 'she knows we'll be here' yes but she hasn't got an alternative has she? It's that or not see her family. Not that you shouldn't be there too of course your family belong there but you don't really seem to get how hard it is for her and how you without intending to have made it harder still.

You are ridiculous.

this is daft - you sound like you’ve written her off as much as she has . None of you can be that old . Life has a habit of being anything but a direct route from A to B . Things could change greatly over the next ten years . Ultimately you act with kindness and dignity - all you can really control is your own behaviour not your SIL

You've done nothing wrong OP and she has been incredibly rude and insensitive.

I'd find it quite weird that someone would choose three kids in four years. Maybe she's just being honest? But I don't see why you need to fall out over it. Your pregnancy is your and your husband's business. She doesn't need to be super obsessed or involved. Maybe she's not crazy about babies and finds them a bit dull. It doesn't mean she doesn't want to be your friend.

• Rejecting her tiny, innocent children
• Finding OP and husband so unbearable she can’t see them both at the same time - another rejection. This is demanding, hurtful behaviour that OP has kindly indulged.
• Being a terrible friend - OP is losing a long-term friendship from the SILs behaviour and she’s expected to not have feelings about that at all.
• Insulting her vagina.
• Suggesting they will be inadequate parents.

The SIL owes a big apology.

Agree with this. I’m 33 and never even had a boyfriend and probably never will, let alone children. Yes I am sad about it. I feel an intense sense of loneliness, like grieving.

Yet I never have and never will resent anyone else for not being in my situation. I’m happy for them, the more people who are happy and connected the better.

The SIL behaviour is reprehensible. Jealousy and sadness are natural human emotions but you have to work through them understand it’s entirely your own problem. Being childless is the only situation where some people think it’s morally acceptable to attack those they envy. And for it to be object of envy’s responsibility to not upset others.