To talk to my SIL / best friend about her reaction to my pregnancy?

Jeez. Some of these replies are INSANE. How are so many people excusing the SIL behaviour? She’s behaving like a spoilt child. Things don’t always work out the way we’d like them to, are you seriously suggesting that she walk on eggshells to save her SIL feelings? She’s done nothing wrong. If she had fertility issues or something I would say OP should have been more sensitive but even then it wouldn’t warrant stupid comments and ignoring the children. It’s patronising to suggest people in SIL position would want this when most people understand that the world doesn’t revolve around them.
she clearly had no issue with her friend and brother’s relationship and marriage in the early days so it’s not that either.
OP should talk to her to ascertain the problem whilst making it clear that her comments are unnecessary. We all go through shit.

well I think that’s pretty obtuse .

It’s not hard to imagine that there might be complicated feelings involved when your best friend from uni marries your brother , and enters the core of your family. Even more so when your life is not working out how you hoped and you are not feeling good about yourself; meanwhile they are the ones providing the next generation of family/ grandkids (who inevitably become the focus ) etc.

Some people no doubt would take it in their stride. I think many others would find it emotionally difficult and complicated.

No because I’m not insane

You don’t appear to know what many words mean.

The OP has behaved insensitively and there’s also a weird undertone throughout her posts, a thinly veiled superiority. I would be interested in hearing her SIL’s perspective.

ok - replace with a more neutral word , the situation is still a headfuck.
Can you honestly not put yourself in the SIL’s shoes?

Infiltrate?

This thread is bonkers. So many massive over-reactions and reaches.

Nightmare situation to have a uni friend infiltrate your family and take over , living the life you imagined/ desperately wanted for yourself but isn’t working out/ you feel slipping away from you.
Yeh I can totally see how that’s a massive head fuck.

Based on the update, keep your distance. She's being being rude and unkind, completely unnecessarily. Quite sad but your friendship has come to an end.

Nightmare situation?! Are people on this thread ok?

Annoucning a pregnancy to family at Xmas is completely normal and what happens in a loving family. It’s absolutely insane to suggest op should have broken the news to spare her SIL’s sad feelings. It’s actually insulting to people who do have fertility issues or who have lost a loved one.

This. Completely nightmare situation for her to be in tbh. I’d just give her a lot of space and grace and not get sucked in to the drama. Rise above. It’s the Least you can do.

She doesn't get to just make jokes about the state of your vagina just because she is sad she doesn't have children. That's absolute bollocks and your dh should tell her to wind her neck in.

So much this !!

It sounds like it’s a combination
of feelings all culminating for her (not excusing her behaviour whatsoever, just trying to understand it). There’s 5 years between me & my younger sister so not a huge difference however she is struggling that our mum doesn’t have the same energy for her little kids as she did for my kids (I had my first at 19 she had her first at 37 so there’s pretty much 20 years difference) & that my mum now with health issues can help out like she did when mine was little & I was at Uni.

It could be that she’s mourning her relationship whilst yours (and her brother, which is double hit) flourishes. She’s seeing you have the kids she wanted. She’s seeing her parents be doting grandparents to your kids, she’s seeing them be doting grandparents to her siblings kids knowing that her parents likely won’t have the same relationship with hers (if she has them at all). She’s seeing what she wanted in life & both her best friend & her sibling have what she wanted. So not just one or the other but both of you (even though she should be happy you’re together, she’s struggling with seeing you both where she may have had your support or his support & vice versa).

She’s probably mourning that she won’t have the same family experience with her kids/grandparents like her nieces & nephews have. She likely won’t have childcare support etc or massively involved parents when she finally does have kids if they end up being older or have health issues etc.

She should be behaving better but I can kind of see where her issues lie based on living something similar. I’ve been in a relationship with my husband since being a teen whereas my sister has has plenty of failed relationships & isn’t with the father of her kids so she talks about how much easier I’ve always had it (both in terms of help from our mum at the start along with having a supportive husband). It’s the seeing someone have breathing you want & never being able to get away from it or being able to have a moan like she would if she was moaning about her brother to her bestie or her brother about her bestie kind of thing

There comes a point when someone is pushing you away you have to leave them to it, she can’t be helped unless she wants to help herself. Everyone is walking on eggshells around her and all because she has never got over a break up and can’t move on from the life she wanted with him. Life isn’t bloody fair but if people stopped pussy footing around her like she’s Miss Havisham then she might start to see she is missing out on her family and friends. You don’t need to feel guilty Op you’ve tried to help her, hopefully she will come to terms with her life but if not enjoy your family x

I think you should have told the family before Xmas so she didn't have to be caught unawares. You haven't been very sensitive especially as you did already know how she felt after her reaction to baby no 2. I think you now have to leave it. Avoid constant chat about the new baby.

To be honest, after your first baby, subsequent babies would not get such a massive reaction as compared to your first pregnancy.

Fault lies with both sides. Op you should not have announced your pregnancy, in front of the whole family, around Christmas. That is very insensitive and highly doubt it didn't come across your mind. You and your husband became wrapped in your excitement (understandably) that your SIL feelings were irrelevant.

She was also at fault for saying those crude comments. But it probably came out as a surprised and was experiencing word Diarrhoea.

I would not be too smug. You could end up as a single parent with three children and that is HARD. Always remember that.

thinks I'm making a stupid decision for her bro, for me and for the older kids

So she doesn't think her brother was a willing participant in your family planning. That is not nice at all.

OP, you don’t have to justify having three kids in quick succession to anyone.

Good update, enjoy your christmas

I don't think you can do anything apart from be sensitive to how much she is hurting and to give her space and ignore any rude comments. Your really can't imagine the pain she is going through and all you need to deal with is a few nasty comments - you'll cope.

She sounds pathetic. The comments she made are mean and hurtful and so is ignoring the kids. You don’t have the right to behave like that because you want children and don’t have them or because other people appear to have what you want. That makes you a dick head. Taking it out on children is just weird behaviour.
I do think you should talk to her though, if you were so close I can’t understand why you haven’t already. Maybe she feels like you’ve abandoned her for her brother or haven’t been there for her enough.

Hopefully you can keep a civil relationship for the kids sake but please be aware you’ve done nothing wrong. If you want to have your kids back to back, that’s you and your husband’s prerogative. If she wants to mess up the relationship she has with her niece and nephew more fool her. It doesn’t mean you won’t be understanding and treat her with kindness as we should everyone ( goes without saying) but don’t walk on eggshells around her. Good luck

AGREE

SIL * sorry not sis!!

Thanks for the update OP. My opinion -,

Weird comments from your sis tbh

so pleased your DH and MIL sort of ‘had your back’