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Original poster

To talk to my SIL / best friend about her reaction to my pregnancy?

243 replies

almostthreedeep · 24/12/2024 13:42

I met my SIL (my husband’s sister) before I met him—we were really close friends at uni. Later, I got to know her brother (now my DH) when he came to visit her. SIL was super supportive of our relationship when it got serious—she even helped plan and execute his proposal. At the time, she was hoping her own boyfriend would propose, but instead, he broke up with her out of the blue.

When we had our first baby, SIL was amazing. She took time off work to help after DH’s paternity leave ended and was the most loving, hands-on aunt. I honestly couldn’t have managed without her. Over time, though, things changed. She put on weight, went on less dates, talked about being sad and bitter about being single, and lost confidence in dating. She stopped coming out much and pulled back from our friendship, which I really missed.

When we had our second baby, she wasn’t as involved. I totally understood: she didn’t owe us anything, and I was still so grateful for her help the first time. We tried to keep including her in fun stuff, like family dinners or trips to places we knew she’d enjoy, but we didn’t want to push her. She started declining invites that included the whole family (ie me, DH, kids) but would meet DH or me one on one sometimes. At a friend’s wedding (DH wasn’t there as he was watching the kids), after a few drinks, she admitted she’s still heartbroken over her breakup and scared she’ll never meet someone or have kids, that she finds spending time with her niblings or seeing her parents as grandparents feels triggering. It was really sad to hear, and I’ve tried to be sensitive to how hard this must be for her.

Fast forward to now: we’re spending Christmas with DH’s family, including SIL. We announced we’re expecting another baby (the third in four years) very soon after arriving because I’ve started showing super early, and she didn’t take it well. After the announcement, she made a couple of awkward comments, like, “Your poor vag, she’s been through a lot haha” and, “Why have them so close together? Don’t you feel bad for the older ones missing out on time with you?” Since then, she’s been really short with me, not outright rude, but sarcastic or blunt, and it’s hurtful. Worse, she’s been cold towards the kids, which breaks my heart because they adore her and keep trying to get her attention, only to be shrugged off.

I don’t know what to do. I hate the idea of losing her - we were so close, and I get where her sadness is coming from. But at the same time, this distance and tension are really hard, and I don’t want it to affect the kids either. Should I say something to her? How would you handle it?

OP posts:
Secondguess · 25/12/2024 07:45

You've not done anything wrong.
You've nothing to apologise for.
From what you've said, her reaction to the news of your pregnancy was always going to be like this, irrespective of how she found out.
Her remarks about cold lunches and tired grandparents aren't worth responding to - they're a red herring, a cover up of her actual feelings. Until she speaks honestly there's no point in discussing it with her.

Also, don't become the apologetic whipping boy - it was nice to offer to meet her without the children etc but it's not helped, had it? Carry on this way and she'll have even less respect for you.

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 25/12/2024 07:35

Yes I have tried to be sensitive and I have been sensitive.

You totally have not.

Nameychangington · 25/12/2024 07:29

A lot of posters seems very sure SIL is being a cow, bitter, spiteful, and not seeing that she was ambushed by what is to her difficult news, in a situation she can't easily escape. If OP and her DH had thought to tell SIL in a different way before, maybe she could have pasted on a smile or just kept her thoughts to herself. But she was told in circumstances which she already struggles with, and had no chance to put her feelings to the side and play happy families. Much taller order.

And posting that SIL is being abusive to the DC is ridiculous, their parents and grandparents are there doting on them, they aren't being neglected because auntie doesn't want to play with them. When my DC were small I didn't expect non-child-enjoying friends to want to interact with them, because people (even relatives and friends) are allowed to not want to interact with my kids.

NiftyPeachDreamer · 25/12/2024 07:09

almostthreedeep · 24/12/2024 20:51

Also a few people suggested just outright not saying anything despite showing and leaving them to guess. It would absolutely be an elephant in the room. My build is such that I show early, or maybe it's how the babies are, either way I show early. My MIL and I are quite close and she knows me well - we are normally greeted with champagne on arrival, she will have a cheeseboard on at some point because it's Xmas and because she knows I LOVE cheese, especially blue cheeses and soft gooey mould ripened cheeses. If I didn't, it would have been obvious that I am pregnant but awkward that I'm not saying anything so technically no one else can say anything either.

I really don’t understand how you had time to consider all this but didn’t have time to message your supposedly best friend in advance.

And you make it sound like she’s been sarcastic for ages but presumably you only told her about the pregnancy yesterday or the day before.

You seem ready to write off an entire friendship due to a couple days of tension.

Give her time to process it. You don’t need to go out of your way to include her or put up with rudeness but equally don’t write her off yet.

HomeTheatreSystem · 25/12/2024 07:09

Plenty of people will have found themselves in her situation or similar but not behaved in the way she has chosen to. If this is her inclination then I'm not surprised she's struggled to find someone who wants to be with her beyond a few dates. She might be deeply unhappy but allowing herself to be wholly consumed by jealousy is not going to do her any favours whatsoever. Stop pussy footing around her and put boundaries in place about the unacceptable way she talks to you.

peachystormy · 25/12/2024 07:07

TooManyNiblings · 24/12/2024 13:49

I think you are being too hard on her. In a 'normal' friendship you would have drifted apart years ago. She is stuck with you as her brother's wife, and I think you need to reframe your relationship as such.

bloody hell! but blunt and untrue

MoreHappy · 25/12/2024 07:03

Bearhunt468 · 24/12/2024 13:49

I think based on what she had told you, you could have messaged her before arrival. I know she hasn't suffered with infertility etc but she is clearly struggling and therefore maybe would have been kinder to give her time to "grieve" what she doesn't have. (Not to say your pregnancies should cause that but being around a pregnant woman may just be alot for her).

When her brother and best friend got together, she probably had visions of her and her partner and you guys being really good friends, kids growing up together as cousins etc etc. it probably feels more raw for her around Xmas too.

I think just try to give her some space, but if she makes nasty comment again just say I'm sorry that our news is upsetting you, and we never want to cause you pain but it isn't acceptable to make comments like that to me. She may not realise how sarky she is coming across.

This

poodledoodles · 25/12/2024 06:57

BlackCatsForever · 24/12/2024 15:58

This is a bonkers thread. People really have a low opinion and thus low expectations of single, childless women.

I’ve been in SIL’s situation, going through a break-up at a stage in life where everyone else was getting married and settling down. I never, ever behaved like this towards my friends who were married with kids.

I also have a lot of friends who are single and childless in their 40’s and 50’s and none of them behave like this either! However they might privately feel, they make the most of their lives and enjoy the relationships they do have. Jealousy and bitterness are such unattractive traits.

Posters that think the OP is the one at fault betray a lot about their own attitudes towards single women - apparently being single and childless is a great personal tragedy akin to being bereaved which justifies any kind of bad behaviour.

Apart from not giving the SIL a heads up about the latest pregnancy I really can’t see what OP has done wrong. Is she supposed to put up with these nasty comments and unkindness toward her children forever?

Well said. I am single and would love to meet someone and have kids. I manage not to be spiteful or mean to my friends who have them. Its really not that hard because I love and care about my friends.

She wont get anywhere with meeting someone if she has such a negative unpleasant attitude because that kind of jealousy and resentment is deeply unattractive.

FatFiatMultiplaWhopper · 25/12/2024 06:42

She's sad and in pain. She's being spiteful because you have what she wants and she's in agony. Just bear that in mind.

HomeTheatreSystem · 25/12/2024 06:39

thepariscrimefiles · 25/12/2024 05:20

It seems strange that you are already planning baby number 4 when you are newly pregnant with your 3rd baby. Although it is entirely your decision how many children to have, it must almost seem to your SIL that you are rubbing it in her face.

Possibly she thought that after your after your second child, maybe your friendship could get back on track as the children grow up and she wasn't expecting you to have more children.

Show quote history

Why? Plenty of people, before they even have the first, express a wish for the number of children they think they want to have. Nothing strange about it at all.

noname2024 · 25/12/2024 06:31

Quote: "First planned, second accident, we loved the age gap between DC1 and DC2 so wanted the same again".
Is there any chance your husband talked to his sister and alluded to not being thrilled about having three kids in 4 years. If so, that may explain her reaction.

silentassassin · 25/12/2024 06:09

thepariscrimefiles · 25/12/2024 05:20

It seems strange that you are already planning baby number 4 when you are newly pregnant with your 3rd baby. Although it is entirely your decision how many children to have, it must almost seem to your SIL that you are rubbing it in her face.

Possibly she thought that after your after your second child, maybe your friendship could get back on track as the children grow up and she wasn't expecting you to have more children.

Show quote history

Dont be so ridiculous- my friend has 5 kids. Never once did it cross my mind she did it to 'spite me"- what a load of rubbish. If you think that way, thats your paranoid issue, not hers. People's choices of how many kids they choose to have is their decision alone and its noone else's business.

If I made the decision that I could only be friends with my friend on the basis she only had two children I would have missed out on my lovely friend who has been so supportive of me throughout the years and she's the sister I never had.

I cant imagine having such rigid demands of friends that they can only have two kids. What next?- is there a limit to how much their house should cost in order for me to stay friends with them? good grief.

Rosieposie200 · 25/12/2024 05:51

BlackCatsForever · 24/12/2024 15:58

This is a bonkers thread. People really have a low opinion and thus low expectations of single, childless women.

I’ve been in SIL’s situation, going through a break-up at a stage in life where everyone else was getting married and settling down. I never, ever behaved like this towards my friends who were married with kids.

I also have a lot of friends who are single and childless in their 40’s and 50’s and none of them behave like this either! However they might privately feel, they make the most of their lives and enjoy the relationships they do have. Jealousy and bitterness are such unattractive traits.

Posters that think the OP is the one at fault betray a lot about their own attitudes towards single women - apparently being single and childless is a great personal tragedy akin to being bereaved which justifies any kind of bad behaviour.

Apart from not giving the SIL a heads up about the latest pregnancy I really can’t see what OP has done wrong. Is she supposed to put up with these nasty comments and unkindness toward her children forever?

well said 👏🏼

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 25/12/2024 05:44

thepariscrimefiles · 25/12/2024 05:20

It seems strange that you are already planning baby number 4 when you are newly pregnant with your 3rd baby. Although it is entirely your decision how many children to have, it must almost seem to your SIL that you are rubbing it in her face.

Possibly she thought that after your after your second child, maybe your friendship could get back on track as the children grow up and she wasn't expecting you to have more children.

Show quote history

It’s not up to SIL how many DC OP has, and her potential reaction to it should not be a factor in OP and her DH’s family planning. They don’t have to think, oh we shouldn’t have any more in case it upsets SIL, she’s struggling as it is.

OP not having another child doesn’t do anything to change SIL’s situation.

And if her parents don’t recognise her achievements (no evidence of this) but are delighted only by DGC, again, this is not for OP to mitigate. Thats a conversation for SIL to have with her parents, not take it out on OP.

thepariscrimefiles · 25/12/2024 05:39

almostthreedeep · 24/12/2024 14:15

I don't think I've "won at life", and if anything she got what she talked about wanting at uni - a good career. She's actually quite successful in a male dominated field, in that she's well respected at work and progressing fast. I didn't have much of a career but I never wanted one.

It was always a joke between us at uni that I want many many children and I'm just at uni to find a man (this was said jokingly!!) to have babies with, whilst she hates the idea of kids and will be CEO of the next Google.

Over time though she warmed up to the idea of children, really wanted them and wanted to be a SAHM but, whilst not being able to do that, climbed far up the career ladder especially considering her age.

Show quote history

Your lives are so different that if you hadn't been married to her brother, I'm sure that your friendship would have drifted. It's quite unusual for someone at University to be talking about having lots of children, rather than aiming for a good career.

She excels in her career in a male dominated profession which is admirable. I wonder if she is also upset because her parents are much less excited about her achievements while being massively excited about your ability to keep producing many grandchildren. Someone I worked with came from a unsupportive working class family who were completely uninterested in her academic achievements and high flying career, and she told me that the first time her dad congratulated her about anything was when she had a baby.

velvetcoat · 25/12/2024 05:37

SpryCat · 24/12/2024 21:20

There comes a point when someone is pushing you away you have to leave them to it, she can’t be helped unless she wants to help herself. Everyone is walking on eggshells around her and all because she has never got over a break up and can’t move on from the life she wanted with him. Life isn’t bloody fair but if people stopped pussy footing around her like she’s Miss Havisham then she might start to see she is missing out on her family and friends. You don’t need to feel guilty Op you’ve tried to help her, hopefully she will come to terms with her life but if not enjoy your family x

I agree with this. I totally get it- I have been in her situation when everyone around me was getting married and having babies and I was heartbroken from a break up. But that isnt an excuse to be bitchy to people. It wont help her either- trying to bring someone down doesnt in fact, raise you up, it just makes everyone feel unhappy and creates a bad atmosphere and its pushing people away at the time when you need it most.

We are all responsible for our own feelings and our own happiness in life and I highly doubt that she would be happy as Larry even IF you stopped at having one kid because the dissatisfaction with her life would still be there- its within her and not coming from external sources such as you. She is going to encounter people in life all the time who have what she wants because we all do- you cannot avoid the entire world. eg I lost my mum at an early age, I dont expect everyone around me to never mention their mothers because it hits a nerve within me.

Sadly, I would be withdrawing from her and giving her space. I might have a chat with her and explain why but until she can learn to reframe her perspective on this she will likely stay in this unhappy state and unfortunately, the only person who can change this is her.

Her situation certainly isnt fixed in stone, there is every chance she could meet someone amazing in 2025 but that isnt going to happen if she goes around with a face on her, angry at the world. She is ruining her own chances here by embracing this victim mentality.

thepariscrimefiles · 25/12/2024 05:20

almostthreedeep · 24/12/2024 13:53

@Bearhunt468 you're right, we should have messaged... I don't know why we didn't think of that, I guess lots of excuses like we've been too busy trying to get all organised before Xmas, packed, looking after 2 tiny ones, visiting my family. But really we should have thought of it.
I absolutely don't want it to turn into an argument or a long term thing.
For the next baby (fingers crossed) will announce before.

It seems strange that you are already planning baby number 4 when you are newly pregnant with your 3rd baby. Although it is entirely your decision how many children to have, it must almost seem to your SIL that you are rubbing it in her face.

Possibly she thought that after your after your second child, maybe your friendship could get back on track as the children grow up and she wasn't expecting you to have more children.

Mumistiredzzzz · 25/12/2024 05:16

Frankly, your SIL sounds bitter and horrible. Your pregnancy announcement or family planning doesn't need to be tailored to her ffs.

TammyJones · 25/12/2024 05:12

This
she says it’s unfair on everyone- but she’s been an absolute cow , to everyone
my sister had 3 kids close together- i was the spinister sister
I loved those kids ti bits - it inspired me, that it could be me one day, but in the mean time I had a free family.
I did go on to have my own children too
my new childless sister in law also made a huge fuss of them, and other subsequent nieces and nephews- sil did have great career
your sil is nuts.
its total jealousy and in your position I’d been taking a huge step back….infact I don’t think you have much choice.
sil has already detached from you….
leave her be and put all your energy into your own little family.

Quitelikeit · 25/12/2024 05:11

Stay silent- nothing good will come of you chatting about these perceived slights

WishinAndHopin · 25/12/2024 05:06

almostthreedeep · 24/12/2024 20:42

@oakleaffy not really sure how it may have come across that I want the bunting hung up for my 2nd or 3rd pregnancy. Naturally, DH's parents are very very excited, as are we. It doesn't mean we're throwing a baby shower (like we did for the 1st) or we want gifts or we want to discuss every detail of it like the first time round when it's novel.

Someone else lower down asked why we have so many children so close together. The simple reason is that this is what we have decided to do. First planned, second accident, we loved the age gap between DC1 and DC2 so wanted the same again. Who knows if that ends up being a good idea, but it's what we've decided to do.

A bit of an update...
Earlier in the day I typed out the OP whilst nap trapped. Came downstairs to a slightly cold lunch but still edible. I didn't want to bother anyone so I said I'll happily eat it half cold - and it was nice. SIL reminded me that I should get used to it as cold lunches left out too long will now be my life for the foreseeable future and asked if I get FOMO that I'll always eat solo. She also pointed I look tired, all in the space of 5 mins. MIL and DH exchanged looks, DH asked her "are you... okay?!" and she sort of said it's just a joke.
Later the whole family went out for a walk, I stayed back because I felt a little tired and unwell due to first trimester, SIL just said she didn't want to join (presumably not to witness the grandparenting). I was in the kitchen / living room anyway, she came to make a tea and stayed to drink it so I asked if she is okay and apologised for not warning her in advance. She said that she doesn't resent me for the way I said it, just thinks I'm making a stupid decision for her bro, for me and for the older kids, that inevitably it'll make her elderly (in their 60s) parents help out when there's so many children and we'll tire them out with our visits and them visiting us (we have never asked them to babysit our children, always been in the same house when they are with our children). I assured her it's something DH and I wanted, and that we don't want her to feel like SHE has to help out at all. She just sort of rolled her eyes and left. So... not sure where we're going from here. I guess as friends we will drift apart which, whilst sad, is manageable. But as family she will always be an aunt and DH's sister so I'd like to keep it civil.

Your SIL is horrible. She’s now embarrassed that you’ve noticed her behaviour is linked to jealousy about being single and childless, so she’s turning it around on you and acting like you’re doing something morally wrong for having a child. She’s a spiteful self-involved sow.

It is not her place to talk about your family, your children, your pregnancy, your body, your marriage, your childcare, or your children’s relationships with their grandparents. You don’t have to justify anything to her about any of this, she needs to wind her neck all the way in. Her behaviour is outrageous.

I think you will need your husband’s support with this. Please make it clear that you will not be tolerating any more stonewalling of your toddlers (a form of abuse by the way), bullying of you, or personal insults. This behaviour cannot continue regardless of her feelings.

I’m sorry she is making Christmas hard for you and trying to ruin your joy. Congratulations on your pregnancy and try to move on from this horrible woman. Don’t inflict her on your children any more.

DreamTheMoors · 25/12/2024 02:59

Some times we try and try and try and try and then we get tired of trying.
Everybody else has moved forward in their lives and we have stayed the same.
It isn’t a crime. It isn’t against the rules. We’re just different from you and maybe we got tired of trying to keep up.
Maybe you need to examine your expectations and your boundaries and let me off the hook from being your cheerleader.
Maybe you should think about that.
Maybe you should cut me a break.

Lulabellez · 25/12/2024 02:52

Tandora · 25/12/2024 01:47

I don’t get why so many people think SIL deserves sympathy if she’s struggling from infertility, but not if she’s unable to have children for other reasons?

I suggest doing some research into the pain/ grief associated with being involuntarily childless.

It’s not about whether or not she deserves sympathy. Anyone is entitled to feel however they feel about anything. That doesn’t give them the right to behave like a brat when someone has something that they want. She doesn’t have to throw her a baby shower but we can’t excuse stupid behaviour like this and we certainly shouldn’t be excusing her saying she’s making a bad decision for her husband as if he can’t make his own decisions and didn’t play an active role in creating the pregnancy.

IKnowAPlace · 25/12/2024 02:05

Hmm. This is tough. Are you both quite young? Asking because you mentioned her career success "for her age".

Her behaviour does sound a little immature, even if she is feeling hurt.

However, it's probably unrealistic for you to expect to maintain a friendship with her as it used to be when your lifestyles are so different now.

I hope things improve over time - and congratulations on baby #3

Tandora · 25/12/2024 01:47

I don’t get why so many people think SIL deserves sympathy if she’s struggling from infertility, but not if she’s unable to have children for other reasons?

I suggest doing some research into the pain/ grief associated with being involuntarily childless.

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