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Original poster

To talk to my SIL / best friend about her reaction to my pregnancy?

243 replies

almostthreedeep · 24/12/2024 13:42

I met my SIL (my husband’s sister) before I met him—we were really close friends at uni. Later, I got to know her brother (now my DH) when he came to visit her. SIL was super supportive of our relationship when it got serious—she even helped plan and execute his proposal. At the time, she was hoping her own boyfriend would propose, but instead, he broke up with her out of the blue.

When we had our first baby, SIL was amazing. She took time off work to help after DH’s paternity leave ended and was the most loving, hands-on aunt. I honestly couldn’t have managed without her. Over time, though, things changed. She put on weight, went on less dates, talked about being sad and bitter about being single, and lost confidence in dating. She stopped coming out much and pulled back from our friendship, which I really missed.

When we had our second baby, she wasn’t as involved. I totally understood: she didn’t owe us anything, and I was still so grateful for her help the first time. We tried to keep including her in fun stuff, like family dinners or trips to places we knew she’d enjoy, but we didn’t want to push her. She started declining invites that included the whole family (ie me, DH, kids) but would meet DH or me one on one sometimes. At a friend’s wedding (DH wasn’t there as he was watching the kids), after a few drinks, she admitted she’s still heartbroken over her breakup and scared she’ll never meet someone or have kids, that she finds spending time with her niblings or seeing her parents as grandparents feels triggering. It was really sad to hear, and I’ve tried to be sensitive to how hard this must be for her.

Fast forward to now: we’re spending Christmas with DH’s family, including SIL. We announced we’re expecting another baby (the third in four years) very soon after arriving because I’ve started showing super early, and she didn’t take it well. After the announcement, she made a couple of awkward comments, like, “Your poor vag, she’s been through a lot haha” and, “Why have them so close together? Don’t you feel bad for the older ones missing out on time with you?” Since then, she’s been really short with me, not outright rude, but sarcastic or blunt, and it’s hurtful. Worse, she’s been cold towards the kids, which breaks my heart because they adore her and keep trying to get her attention, only to be shrugged off.

I don’t know what to do. I hate the idea of losing her - we were so close, and I get where her sadness is coming from. But at the same time, this distance and tension are really hard, and I don’t want it to affect the kids either. Should I say something to her? How would you handle it?

OP posts:
HomeTheatreSystem · 25/12/2024 13:49

I wonder if perhaps her career, whilst successful, is hard going for her, within as you say a male dominated industry. She's turning up and doing it but maybe it's very wearing on her and she thinks she'd prefer your lifestyle instead. Has she discussed what her worklife is like? Perhaps she's looking ahead and thinking she just can’t see herself in this type of role for the next 38 years or so. Either way, playing the childless jealous spinster at just 30 is madness and a surefire way to kill any chance of a happy life with or without her own family in it.

YellowAsteroid · 25/12/2024 13:48

BettyBardMacDonald · 25/12/2024 10:06

I would feel so condescended to if I were SIL.

Being psychoanalised and treated like a fragile loser would make a difficult day even worse.

Just leave her alone.

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This.

I think a lot of PPs don’t realise how “smug married” they sound.

YellowAsteroid · 25/12/2024 13:38

velvetcoat · 25/12/2024 09:50

I dont agree with that kind of toxic positivity or pretending to be happy when you arent but equally, going around being mean to people isnt helping either is it?

This woman is wanting to meet a partner - you arent going to attract people to you by being negative and bitter. It might sound harsh but it's the truth. If that kind of attitude is seeping out it might in fact be why she hasn't met anyone yet.

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It’s very easy to blame women for being single. But demographics suggest that there are many more eligible women seeking good partners than there are suitable men.

And it’s a matter of luck if you meet the right one.

Telling women that their behaviour is the problem is very very unhelpful and causes pain.

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 25/12/2024 13:35

All this fuss and she’s only 30?! Christ.

poodledoodles · 25/12/2024 13:09

squeakybanana · 25/12/2024 12:42

Oh good grief, 30 is young. Most of my friends didn’t even meet their partners until early- mid 30s. She has plenty of time to meet someone and have kids. Talk about dramatic

I agree. I thought the OP was going to say she was pushing 40 and the chances of her having kids was way too late! It's ridiculous for her to have bitterly doomed herself to the life of "spinster" at age 30.

Original poster
almostthreedeep · 25/12/2024 13:00

squeakybanana · 25/12/2024 12:42

Oh good grief, 30 is young. Most of my friends didn’t even meet their partners until early- mid 30s. She has plenty of time to meet someone and have kids. Talk about dramatic

Exactly... she has many fertile years ahead and every chance to meet a man!

OP posts:
Original poster
almostthreedeep · 25/12/2024 12:58

@WidgetDigit2022 at what point did I suggest I'd like a specific reaction? I didn't need a huge celebration, I am purely informing a pair of grandparents that they are about to have another grandchild. Not informing them would be weird, especially with growing bump. Informing them doesn't mean I expect a hundred balloons blown up immediately or everyone to jump in the air.

For now we are planning 4. It's not about ticking boxes, I'd say it's quite usual for people to know how many children they'd like (which may also change as they have each child, with circumstances or preferences changing) and then act accordingly, as opposed to not using any family planning and being surprised with each pregnancy. It's why people use and stop using contraception, because they'd like to have a certain amount of children.

OP posts:
Plastictrees · 25/12/2024 12:57

Really bizarre how people, including the OP, seem to have written the SIL off and she’s only 30! There is still plenty of time for her to meet someone and have children if she wishes. In my circles it’s much more unusual to have 3 kids by 30 than be single. And much more normal to go to university to advance your career rather than ‘meet a man’! Some antiquated attitudes in this thread.

fitzwilliamdarcy · 25/12/2024 12:48

Please make it clear that you will not be tolerating any more stonewalling of your toddlers (a form of abuse by the way)

As a survivor, I think it’s despicable to undermine the concept of child abuse by including things like ‘not always engaging fully with someone else’s toddlers’.

Original poster
almostthreedeep · 25/12/2024 12:46

@thepariscrimefiles when did I say that her parents don't celebrate her achievements? They're both very proud of her career and they talk about it with pride pretty frequently, also of course it's a different type of excitement to a baby

OP posts:
squeakybanana · 25/12/2024 12:42

Oh good grief, 30 is young. Most of my friends didn’t even meet their partners until early- mid 30s. She has plenty of time to meet someone and have kids. Talk about dramatic

Original poster
almostthreedeep · 25/12/2024 12:39

IKnowAPlace · 25/12/2024 02:05

Hmm. This is tough. Are you both quite young? Asking because you mentioned her career success "for her age".

Her behaviour does sound a little immature, even if she is feeling hurt.

However, it's probably unrealistic for you to expect to maintain a friendship with her as it used to be when your lifestyles are so different now.

I hope things improve over time - and congratulations on baby #3

SIL and I are 30, DH is a couple of years older.

OP posts:
Jumell · 25/12/2024 12:21

TBH I think in an ideal world your SIL needs general emotional support rather than mention of a man - to treat her as though she’s an already strong, confident person in general - with no mention of parental /marital status - and everything else then might have a greater chance of falling into place

that said, given how your SIL has behaved towards you OP - I think her best source of support is someone completely neutral to the situation - outside the family ?

and yes - I am idealising here - but hope people can see what I mean ..

Nameychangington · 25/12/2024 11:59

She needs operation meet the man 2025.

Omg do not say anything like this to SIL!

Honeycrisp · 25/12/2024 11:01

It would've been more sensible to have warned DSIL in advance of the announcement. She would've had more time to process it before having to see you all, and it at least raises the possibility that she might have controlled herself better. So self-interest alone would probably have made me do it.

Genevieva · 25/12/2024 10:54

I think you need to meet up with her without the kids, tell her how much you love her and how sad it makes you to see her unhappy. Tell her there is a man out there for her. She needs operation meet the man 2025. It isn’t easy meeting people these days, but the longer she leave it the harder it gets. She might have to push herself out of her comfort zone, which requires confidence, but it can be done.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 25/12/2024 10:17

Sushu · 24/12/2024 17:27

Tis the season to slag off the fat, bitter childless relatives. Her comment was below the belt but this thread has equally unpleasant undertones. Merry Christmas!

To be fair, that’s largely @WishinAndHopin

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 25/12/2024 10:14

WishinAndHopin · 24/12/2024 16:40

• Rejecting her tiny, innocent children
• Finding OP and husband so unbearable she can’t see them both at the same time - another rejection. This is demanding, hurtful behaviour that OP has kindly indulged.
• Being a terrible friend - OP is losing a long-term friendship from the SILs behaviour and she’s expected to not have feelings about that at all.
• Insulting her vagina.
• Suggesting they will be inadequate parents.

The SIL owes a big apology.

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“Rejecting her tiny, innocent children”

oh come on - snappy SIL is hardly Myra Hindley. It’s a difficult situation for all concerned - SIL more so than the fortunately blessed OP. And that’s about it

Jumell · 25/12/2024 10:08

SpryCat · 25/12/2024 09:46

She made out all your decisions were about her, like you had made them just to spite her, when in fact none of your decisions made any difference to her life. She’s like a spider in a web, once caught it’s hard to get free.

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Exactly this !

WidgetDigit2022 · 25/12/2024 10:07

almostthreedeep · 24/12/2024 13:53

@Bearhunt468 you're right, we should have messaged... I don't know why we didn't think of that, I guess lots of excuses like we've been too busy trying to get all organised before Xmas, packed, looking after 2 tiny ones, visiting my family. But really we should have thought of it.
I absolutely don't want it to turn into an argument or a long term thing.
For the next baby (fingers crossed) will announce before.

How many are you planning?! My advice would be to let her be, it’s incredibly hard watching other people (seemingly) living out your dream.

I would also try to enjoy your current children and pregnancy. Already talking about announcing a 4th is very strange and would suggest you’re ticking boxes rather than living in the moment. Whilst I’m sure your family are happy for you, having a baby is a personal thing and I don’t think looking for specific reactions is healthy.

BettyBardMacDonald · 25/12/2024 10:06

Bearhunt468 · 24/12/2024 13:57

@almostthreedeep maybe you could ask her if she wants to go for a walk just you two. Make up coffee in a flasks, leave the kids with DH and for for a wander. You can be honest and say you hadn't appreciated how she might be feeling, you wished you had given her warning, that you love her and will always be there for her, but understand how hard things are for her. You can say that you understand her comments are coming from her emotions but to please not continue as it's hurtful for you when you are just living your life.

I would feel so condescended to if I were SIL.

Being psychoanalised and treated like a fragile loser would make a difficult day even worse.

Just leave her alone.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 25/12/2024 10:04

WishinAndHopin · 24/12/2024 14:30

I’m surprised at the amount of criticism you’re getting.

Your sister-in-law is the whole problem here.

It is never acceptable to be embittered, jealous and spiteful to others for any reason, and not having her own husband or children yet is not an exception.

She’s not “triggered”, that’s just therapy talk for being a green eyed monster. She’s ostracising and rejecting your toddler children for existing. She’s made comments about your vagina. She’s suggested you will be inadequate parents to your older children.

You’ve done nothing wrong or offensive. Even if she hadn’t been a vicious envious cow, you don’t owe her sensitivity because having children and being married is not an insult to anyone else.

It’s not like she’s had a long and sad fertility battle, she’s just a miserable, self-absorbed harpy ruining her own life out of jealousy.

Seems like Santa failed to hand out the empathy gene…

Jumell · 25/12/2024 10:04

TammyJones · 25/12/2024 09:21

Sounds awful for you.
I knew a woman who never forgave her very successful daughter, for not becoming a doctor.
And then wonders why said daughter is no contact.

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sounds like my mum

BlueLimeRun · 25/12/2024 10:00

KimberleyClark · 25/12/2024 09:45

It's easy to say “be positive” with hindsight when things have worked out the way you wanted though. I went through years of infertility and never had children. I’m at peace with it now, but when I was right in the middle of it “be positive”was not helpful advice.

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yes I can see this - sorry if I was insensitive.
I didn’t mean telling SIL to be positive but if she was socially active it probably would help her enjoy life more ?

velvetcoat · 25/12/2024 10:00

KimberleyClark · 25/12/2024 09:53

True, but it sounds like her self esteem and sense of self worth is on the floor at the moment despite all her career success, because in her eyes she’s failing at what most people consider the really important things in life - being in a relationship and having children.

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She hasn't "failed" yet though - she still has time to meet someone. Unless she is heading towards 50, she presumably still has time to meet someone compatible and start a family of her own.

Thats the whole point - dont waste the precious time you do have by spending it focusing on what you dont have. She could literally meet someone this very year!

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