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AIBU?

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Original poster

Son,26, NEET with autism

35 replies

perplexedandanxious · 24/12/2024 11:15

Posting here for advice and traffic.
My eldest son is 26. He was diagnosed with (then) Asperger's syndrome in primary school, but 'sort of' coped in mainstream school and never had any extra support. I say 'sort of', because despite being bright he got only 3 GCSE. He went on to college and got a level 2 qualification but was kicked out of the level 3 for non attendance.

He has been mostly out of work in the last 5 years. He will NOT go back to any form or education, he will NOT mention his ASD on any application or at any interview. I am pretty sure this is a main reason why he keeps losing jobs (his ASD)

He is bright, can be handy with fixing things, is kind loving and generous (when he has money). He is my son, and I love him very much.

He lives in the most disgusting way, he is in an annexe to the family home, think bottles of urine, no bed sheets, rubbish everywhere. He is morbidly obese and despite food being provided (I cook from scratch most days) and him joining us for family meals, he will then order a burger and chips. He games most of the night and sleeps all day.

I have very little control over this. I could kick him out, but he would be on the street (as he won't tell anyone he is autistic which would make him vulnerable and therefore eligible for at least a roof) and I cannot do that.

I am approaching retirement, my other children are at Uni and when they are finished and independent I need to sell the family home and downsize. I do not want him to come with me (for his own sake as much as mine) ...

He is incredibly defensive and gets super angry when I try to discuss the issues with him and I do not know what to do. There is help and support out there, but I cannot access it on his behalf ..

Any ideas?

OP posts:
LostTheMarble · 24/12/2024 11:46

Flipchop · 24/12/2024 11:40

surely the answer then is he goes to live with his dad and they can live however they decide? Honestly I think it sounds ridiculous and very little of this is to do with ASD.

What do you think ASD is? And no, not everyone with autism lives like this before anyone jumps on me, but many adults (usually male) have a breakdown in functioning ability after school. Because learning disability was (is) only seen in academic value, those like the OP’s son who evidently has a social/executive function disability has not had the full support they needed from all areas of development.

AngryLikeHades · 24/12/2024 11:46

He needs an adult social worker.
I have severe adhd and it was really helpful, however getting one is quite difficult.

BarkLife · 24/12/2024 11:42

I don't have much advice, but I wonder if his additional needs are much greater than anyone realises. It sounds like he has ADHD (very high comorbidity with ASD), and that a diagnosis and meds might help him. Sounds like he's self-medicating with weed and junk food.

Meds are honestly life-changing.

Flipchop · 24/12/2024 11:42

How do your other children view the situation?

Original poster
perplexedandanxious · 24/12/2024 11:41

And yes, it extends to hygiene. I had wondered about sensory issues, I only make the point that he is bright, because he has no 'learning disabilty' which seems to make accessing services easier.

OP posts:
Flipchop · 24/12/2024 11:40

surely the answer then is he goes to live with his dad and they can live however they decide? Honestly I think it sounds ridiculous and very little of this is to do with ASD.

Original poster
perplexedandanxious · 24/12/2024 11:40

LostTheMarble · 24/12/2024 11:36

You can speak to support services, he is an adult with a diagnosed disability even if he chooses not to recognise it. It’s best to get the ball rolling now instead of blindsiding him and social care when you’re ready to move and can’t take him with. He needs a support worker or at least an assessment, it sounds like he struggles greatly with sensory and food control. Does this extend to hygiene? Sadly being intelligent is little to do with autism, this is why terms such as Asperger’s or ‘high functioning’ are obsolete, when it comes to adult living this is evidently where the real struggle shows itself.

Thank you. Would that be adult social services? Or ?

OP posts:
Original poster
perplexedandanxious · 24/12/2024 11:38

He is 'living' because I am paying for his accommodation in the family home and he has money because his father (from whom I am divorced) gives him money and weed.

The weed is a huge problem but his father (who I divorced for his drug habits) thinks it's great and gives it to him. And I cannot stop that. Believe me I have tried for the last 15 years.

Maybe I am too soft. I'm certainly very unhappy , and as he gets older and the divide between his emotional maturity and that of my younger children gets wider and wider I'm increasingly worried.

OP posts:
LostTheMarble · 24/12/2024 11:36

You can speak to support services, he is an adult with a diagnosed disability even if he chooses not to recognise it. It’s best to get the ball rolling now instead of blindsiding him and social care when you’re ready to move and can’t take him with. He needs a support worker or at least an assessment, it sounds like he struggles greatly with sensory and food control. Does this extend to hygiene? Sadly being intelligent is little to do with autism, this is why terms such as Asperger’s or ‘high functioning’ are obsolete, when it comes to adult living this is evidently where the real struggle shows itself.

Flipchop · 24/12/2024 11:33

how is he affording to live and buy expensive takeaways? There’s a lot missing from this post it seems. I sympathise with the ASD, I also have it and holding down jobs when I was younger was tricky. However, millions of us manage is without peeing in bottles etc… that’s pretty offensive to blame the behaviour all on Asd. I’m afraid you’ve been way too soft on him really?