To be pissed because my kids keep hurting me by jumping on me when I'm sitting on the sofa

Physically remove them.
Pick them up, sit them on the floor and say, firmly " I said no! That hurts, I don't want you to do it so stop it"
Repeat if necessary!

What kind of sofa have you got? DH takes the cushions off ours and makes a kind of soft play.

I hear you. DH has to step in a lot with this. I tell them they’ve hurt me, they say sorry but I don’t think they really understand.

May not feel like it now but I bet you didn't enjoy being jumped on and elbowed when your kids were 2 and 4.

You need to get them out as much as possible, take them to the park for a few hours not just 39 mins, I door play area, trampoline park, beavers, swimming, long walks, being cooped in most of the day does not help children, it's also good for them to mix with other children.

Stick Jo Wicks on the TV (or other age appropriate content) for them to interact with.

I find a glue stick and sequins get me a quick break, equally mixing - I mean literally mixing anything, a big bowl and stock some cereal or something in it and they will mix forever

Mine are the same age. To be honest I enjoy it mostly. They're not little long and I've learnt to shield my face!

No she won't. Don't be ridiculous. She'll miss the nice bits, not being attacked.

I think you have to be really clear and firm that this is a zero tolerance thing, so they get removed straight away from you/the sofa. And find other ways to give them positive attention.

Clear the floor and put Danny go on YouTube on the TV. They're still jumping around but it's more direct and less like to be on you (give direction of where they can jump, then sit elsewhere).

If you say ‘one more time and you’re going in time out/ taking away toys’ do you actually follow through and put them in time out or take toys away? There’s no point threatening a consequence if you never follow it through.

Just saying ‘stop, no, get down’ also isn’t that helpful for small children. You need to give them an alternative, so if they’re jumping and climbing on the sofa ‘Sitting only on the sofa, if you want to bounce use your trampoline.’ Obviously you do need to have alternatives available for children to get out their energy, a yoga ball or a mini trampoline would be good for this. Or a game like the floor is lava but with cushions and things they can jump on, the sofa can be a dangerous volcano that will erupt if they jump on it so is only safe to sit on. If you know that they have already burnt off lots of energy outside and they’re still jumping and climbing then you need to help direct them to a calming activity, something like colouring or puzzles or helping you tidy up or do a household task. Perhaps get a weighted blanket that they could sit and snuggle you under whilst you read a story with them. It’s hard for little kids to regulate and direct their energy so if they are getting over excited you need to help them do this!

Mine do this, especially the four year old. I absolutely hate it. YANBU.

I wouldn’t get comfortable with the notion they only react when you shout . Soon enough they will only communicate whilst shouting simply because you do it and you will have a whole different unsavoury problem . If someone said what do 4 and 2 year olds do usually , my answer you’d be everything you described. Work on your patience/tolerance and maybe get up and play with them too

Agree with @TheOccupier

Sounds like they need more time outdoors! Twice a day, rain or shine, including running races...

You mention getting them out for 30 mins & then hoping for a sit down. My memory of that age is taking them out for a 3-4 hour stretch & them needing time outdoors whatever the weather. If we stayed in I would have to set up an activity to do with them like baking, craft. I don't think you're being realistic. Can you tag team with your partner?

Ugh mine are like that. DH sometimes has to physically remove them from me. So draining!

It's worth it, even in the rain.

I have a huge cushion that I keep next to me. When the toddler launches itself at me, I deploy it (the cushion, not the toddler) like a riot shield.

Do you not physically remove the DCs? I would give one very clear, firm verbal command in my best Head Teacher-style voice eg "No jumping on me. I do not like it and it hurts". If they do it again, you lift them off the sofa onto the floor with a firm "No jumping". A third attempt would result in a time out.

It's 13 degrees outside! Kids will not combust outside in winter!

My kids do this too, they are 6 and 3. I tend not to sit down 🤣 or I'll sit at the kitchen table instead. Getting outside is a good idea, and distraction. I'll get a game out, or a different toy and sit on the floor with them. It saves the pain of their tiny elbows and usually freezing cold feet touching me 🤣

This is completely untrue and needless guilt tripping - basically emotional abuse to have written that

Can you impose a substantial consequence every time they do this.
Like sending them to their room(s) for an hour.
Or putting them in a play pen? They are young enough for that.
I would warn them in advance about the consequence, and do not relent imposing it if they still do it.

Put the cushions on the floor and play musical bumps. Same excitement and neuro feedback without the pain.