To be pissed because my kids keep hurting me by jumping on me when I'm sitting on the sofa

Distraction tactics are needed for both children. Set boundaries and make it clear that when you are sitting in a particular place they are to leave you alone and go and play quietly - even consider setting up a game for them. You could tell them that it is not nice and can be dangerous to jump around very close to someone and that they often hurt you.
Be firm, take control and teach them to respect your space.

So you're aware it's an American usage? It sounds ridiculous and far too "try-hard".

You probably won't miss it. Ignore that guilt trip.
I absolutely do not miss my son being a toddler. He's a civilised human being now that I can actually hold a conversation with. He's currently building a lego set and listening to christmas music. Much more agreeable than drop kicking me on the sofa.

Because of LITERALLY every other thing you’ve written?

I’d still say chuck them in the garden! It’s really mild today, not remotely the kind of weather that induces coughing. DD and cousins will definitely be in the garden before lunch, they have too much energy and excitement to contain indoors.

Pissed OFF! It's pissed OFF! Drives me insane.

I don’t get why the kids think jumping on the sofa is a thing anyway?

@getoffff they’re young enough to be told NO JUMPING. And this One more time business is a joke. You tell them, no jumping on me/sofa or there will be consequences and follow through

make it a no go. Hard no and be consistent

@Oioisavaloy27

I think some people expect their children to sit around all day doing nothing then wonder why their children play up.

They just need to be kept busy. I honestly found it exhausting when DS was tiny. We started him on gymnastics, swimming & toddler footie & he still wouldn't ever sit down & entertain himself. He never watched any TV & wasn't interested in playing with toys.

However he did behave in the house & used to be good sitting down when he had to from a very young age. For example he was able to sit through mass at church for quite long periods of time.

OP you need to get this sorted while they are little otherwise they will start to hurt you. I imagine two boys that age would be hard work. It does get easier - mine sleeps in late & can happily while away an afternoon on his X-box. So hang on in there as it won't be like this forever.

The solution is that they learn / you teach them to recognise the time for quiet play and lively play.
as others have suggested explain up front that this is quiet time and provide suitable diversions.
move them away from you if they jump and reinforce that it’s quiet time.
I had a kitchen pinger / timer years ago and we would set it for ten mins and leave it on the shelf for them to see. They soon learnt that when the pinger rang that my’sit down with a cuppa’ was over and they could interact again.
also when tidying up after them - get them involved! Tell them 5 mins before that it’s nearly ‘tidy up time’ and provide storage for toys ( large boxes or cheap laundry bags etc ) and all work together

OR

It’s perfectly reasonable to want to sit down for 10 minutes with a cup of tea in amongst sorting all the stuff for Christmas, trying to get the house clean and entertaining the kids. And preferably not have a jabby little elbow get you or have someone launch themselves onto you while you’re at it.

I think some people expect their children to sit around all day doing nothing then wonder why their children play up. You have it spot on

@getoffff

Also when you've got Christmas to prep for and visitors coming over and need to clean etc- who's got 4 entire hours to spare on a day like that to just go out? We need all hands on deck at the moment.

But you mentioned relaxing on the sofa 🤷🏻‍♀️

I actually don't buy into the people saying it's normal to accept this from their children. Mine never did this to me. You don't need to shout either. You just need to keep them busy if you are staying home. Unfortunately not all children will watch TV - my DS just would not sit down all day & had no interest in TV. So we had to go do stuff or if home keep him entertained somehow. It’s exhausting but the alternative is what you are describing.

I certainly don't!

Yabu to be pissed.
I can imagine pissed off being far more appropriate.
Poor you OP, sounds awful.

It’s not that he needs to run off the energy, it’s that the energy never effing stops. He can be 2 hours out at football training in the morning and an hour and a half out at the park after lunch and still bouncing off the walls. you’ve just described my four year old too!

Ignore all the holier than though parents OP. I completely get you. My 5 year old is like this and it drives me mental. It’s not that he needs to run off the energy, it’s that the energy never effing stops. He can be 2 hours out at football training in the morning and an hour and a half out at the park after lunch and still bouncing off the walls.

I find standing up in the kitchen drinking a glass of wine takes the edge off a little 🍷

Also I'm afraid mine are 9 and 6 now and wrestling on the sofa remains their favourite activity. Do move any coffee tables etc away, we've had to go to a&e for facial stitches twice!

Definitely park trips when you can and otherwise the fun kids workout videos on YouTube.

Getting jumped on and elbowed? I don't miss that at all!! I miss some of the nice bits of mine being little, but not the bad behaviour and not getting 5 minutes to myself!

Strongly recommend PE Bowman Ninja workouts on YouTube, put it on the TV if possible and get them to do that instead. There are loads of them.

Your kids sound like my kids, I sympathise.

There are a lot of non parents, both men and women, on this site and you can really tell at times.

I have a 2 & a 3 year old. My 2 year old literally will not sit on the sofa like a normal child. He has to stand on it and he’ll dig his elbow into your chest whilst he does so. He is ALWAYS jumping on me, falling all over me and doing whatever other nonsense he wants to do. Some young children are just like that. You spend the whole time sitting on the sofa and guarding yourself away from them, it’s ridiculous.

As for having your children outside for hours at a time. Be serious

Use a small bell, whistle or Kazoo. Have a play box handy with a selection of age appropriate picture books, puzzles and quiet floor toys.

Whenever you need a quiet rest on the sofa, blow the whistle or ring the bell and announce 'quiet time.' Try to stick to just once a day to start with.

Set a timer for 5 minutes that the children can see. Encourage whispering and quiet play on the floor only, or at a child's table during that duration from the toys in the playbox. You could also provide a small snack.

Whoever manages to entertain themselves quietly and calmly receives your praise and small reward - eg: choosing the bedtime story for that day or a small toy to play with for the day from a special reward box of unusual or highly desirable toys that is just kept for this purpose; or 10 minutes of play with you.

Increase the time on the timer by 10 seconds each day.
Eventually you can replace daily rewards with daily points or stars which can be accumulated for weekly rewards.
Essentially replacing one unwanted behaviour with a new expectation and reward, and teaching how to behave in the time you're on the sofa.

We never cuddled like that when I was at school! And she'll still equate her parents as larger and stronger than her Vs peers so will act differently anyway.

When my kids do this (just turned 5( they are told it hurts and they are moved. They say sorry. I tell them thank you, it's ok, it was an accident. I usually get a kiss on my hurt bit.

I do think you need to be more directive with moving them off you .

If the only way they'll behave at 2 and 4 is you screaming at them, it isn't going to get easier with time op.

Do you not have coats? Hats? Gloves and scarfs?