Silent treatment for Christmas… again

Absolutely not ok behaviour from him! I’m sorry you’re going through that.

When my DM’s friend was having a tough time last year with her abusive twat of a H, she was immediately invited to join us for the day. We already had 12 people over for Christmas so what’s one more? If you were my friend, you’d immediately be invited.

Have you tried to talk about it ? That would be my first step. Doesn't need to continue, have a conversation about what's underneath this.

Yep, heavy criticism listing all my faults and / or silent treatment. If we went out I either talked too much and bored everyone or didn’t talk enough and made everyone uncomfortable… left him the day after Boxing Day nearly 9 years ago. DD and DS were 4 and 21 months and we have mostly lived happily ever after since!

Been there. Years of intermittent silent treatment for no reason. Complete hell. Make no mistake, this is about power and control. It's emotional abuse.

This dreadful behaviour is a core part of his personality, and you're not going to be able to change it.

At the heart of all male abuse of female partners is the belief that you are less than them because you're a woman. There's a lot of it about, it can be very subtle, and many men hide their real feelings about women very well.

Read the book "If He's so Great, Why Do I Feel so bad?" by Avery Neal. And also Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft.

The silent treatment for no reason is a key tool in the abuser's arsenal.

@StyleSiren

Can you see if you can get a hotel booked for tonight and tomorrow night?

That's what I'd be doing if my DH decided to 'ghost' me in my own damn home !

(Even if you've got kids, you could make it into a special treat for Xmas, just bring all their presents with you)

This is just escalating the situation.
It won’t resolve it. There will be a time of feeling very satisfied but ultimately it won’t do any good for either of them.

She’s be better off sitting down and speaking to him. Telling him how upset she is, how unreasonable he’s been and how she wants to separate.

However, OP, and this is VERY VERY important, if you think there is even the remote possibility that this will make him violent you have to leave without saying anything to him. Get your things in order. Find somewhere else to live. Make a safe plan and follow it through.

I would get childish satisfaction from playing top volume Christmas music or some other music you like he doesn't. If you have Alexa in your house don't forget to say Alexa 'play everywhere'. And I would cook and eat all the Christmas food for myself and drink the drinks. Or I would invite friends round for the party. He can't complain as he's not speaking haha. I would return his gifts or sell them on eBay. Take a nice long bath with candles, do a face back, do your nails, go out for a drink or a nice meal. Sod mr Grinch, yu don't need him to have fun and enjoy Christmas. He is TRYINGa to ruin your Christmas, show him it takes more than a mardy arse man to do that.

You definitely should not cook a Christmas dinner for this ungrateful twonk.. unless he issues you a full apology and offers and actually does help at the very very minimum.

I can't believe you say you can't stand ANOTHER Christmas like this ..so he has form. Yet you are still there...do you have kids and are just staying for them, or are you just a glutton for punishment? Just leave!

If a friend of mine told me her DH treated her like this there would be no way I'd refuse an extra for lunch (or even a few days/ weeks whilst you sorted somewhere else permanently away from him!)

You deserve much much better and I hope 2025 os the year you get it.

So does he engineer an argument every year?

God how awful. Can he not use his words like a grown adult?

OP no-one deserves this.

Why does the OP sound shitty? Because she didn’t agree to his choice of film? Because in my world you and your partner are allowed to have different opinions without one kicking off and going off sulking like a baby!

100% this.

I was about to say this, if you were my friend you’d be welcome! Please speak to them.

Failing that he’d be getting no presents and I’d rather spend it on my own than with him and you need to do this, he isn’t going to change !

This will only get worse. Please leave and stop wasting your life on this manchild.

Remember Christmas is one day, it will come and go, he is doing this to hurt you because he knows it matters to you.

The sad thing he is punishing you for having the audacity to have your own opinion.

My dh and I disagree on taste of films, tv choice etc we wouldn’t punish each other for being different. It’s completely normal!

It is so controlling, that he is virtually ‘training’ you to agree with everythhg he says, eventually in order not to be punished by abandonment (silent treatment) you will just agree to anything to avoid his silent wrath. You will lose your autonomy and free will, and eventually the ability to think for yourself without deferring to him.

You won’t even have the option to leave then. Your confidence will be so low, you will have lost all sense of yourself, and won’t have the ability to imagine life without him telling you what to do and how to do it. You will become a shell of your former self. No longer a fully functioning person in any real sense of the word.

This is your future if you don’t summon up the courage to finally stand up for yourself. He doesn’t get to repeatedly abandon you for a different view and ruin every Christmas with his cruelty.

Please tell your friends and family and accept any invitation to spend Christmas elsewhere.

I wouldn’t tell him. Or do anything destructive. Just leave and turn your phone off. Enough is enough.

My XH always found an excuse to ruin Christmas day and my birthday and mothers day and the kids birthdays. He isn't a stonewaller, he makes vicous remarks and gets angry and you can see his anger. I still find special occasions uncomfortable, I don't know if that underlying anxiety will ever go completely, but it's so much better without him here and not having to dread that moment he finds something to be displeased by. Leaving was the best thing to do. For tomorrow I'd focus on you, pack up the presents, go for a walk, eat what you want, watch your choice of movie or have a soak in the bath or read a book, whatever you'd like to do. Don't worry about him, he can be miserable or pissed off if he wants and you can do something for you.

Give yourself the gift of divorce. Go out. Don’t give him any presents.

The silent treatment would annoy me and it is certainly emotionally abusive but make the active decision to not be affected by his moods.

Are you sure your friends wouldn’t welcome you? My friends would always be welcome in my home if they needed me.

If you were (or are!) my friend, you’d be welcome here, please speak to your friends!

Do you have an extra card lying around?

Write: F—k you, Howard. I’m not putting up with your bullshit any longer. Sign it, f—k you.

Leave it for him on the kitchen counter and go out for the day. But before you leave, make sure you do that one thing that irritates him the most— empty the trash but don’t put in a new bin bag. Don’t empty the coffee grounds. Don’t rinse your dishes. Don’t pick clothes up off the floor. Heck there’s a million of ‘em.
You do NOT deserve to spend the rest of your life feeling small and insignificant.
No ma’am you certainly do not.

10 years ago I could have written this post word for word.

You have already made your choice and know what to do, now you need to do it.

Go for that walk on Christmas day, find that pub and have lunch (lots of Marstons pubs are offering free Xmas lunch to anyone on their own or in need) and make your plan for better 2025.

As I said, 10 years ago, this was me. I'm now happier than I've ever been with a wonderful DH, about to spend Christmas with my kids, my dad and looking forward to it.

Make 2025 the year of changes for you x

There was a thread on here about just that and she did leave. It's not ok. My SH was gunning for an argument yesterday and I shouted back and think it'll be ok but if he did silence I would struggle not to leave. Lots here will say leave like it's easy or quick which I don't think it is. BUT finances of a friend or relative permitting , you could go there and break the cycle for a few days and explain why you're going if you feel safe to do so

Give yourself a present this Christmas and LTB.

Why do you stay??