Silent treatment for Christmas… again

What is it exactly that attracts you to this big baby OP? He's obviously not capable of having an adult relationship. It's emotional immaturity. My mum's a sulker, I have no time for it and just enjoy the peace when she doesn't call for ages after some slight. She is also lacking emotional intelligence, I suspect ND.
His behaviour is abusive, I mean in a huff over a fucking film. Tell him to grow the fuck up.
Personally I'd go and book myself into a hotel, preferably with a spa and room service. Somewhere you can go for a nice walk, and maybe have a think about what you want your future to look like.

OP I'm in Coventry, feel free to PM me, I always go overboard with food so have plenty. If you don't feel able to then please ring friends, any decent friend would have you last minute.

Ducks in a row after Xmas then LTB

Which bits of what the OP posted don't sound true to you? None of it sounded particularly unlikely to me. And why is it being "childish" not to like a film that your partner likes? Is it childish not to like every book they read or band they rate too?

Any kids? If not, just leave.

OP I can feel your pain and I am so sorry. My ex was a master of silent treatment and it was soul destroying. The last new year we were together he did similar, also related to me and the kids not giving our full attention to a film he had chosen for us. He sulked all night and I spent the evening in a state of anxiety trying not to let the kids feel the atmosphere, babbling like a loon to cover their father's silence. He did it on so many occasions for all sorts of reasons (my kindle clicking too loudly and disturbing his sleep, me not putting the wrapping paper back in the right place, me getting the car out of the garage when it was his job, me starting lunch when he said he would do it and didn't). special occasions were worst, birthdays, christmas, holidays, even going to my own aunt's funeral.

A particular low point for me was when I realized I was steering my children away from the sweets they really wanted because I knew their chewing would annoy their father.

It's a life on eggshells and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. My ex used to say he was trying and it didn't happen as often, which was true at times but what he didn't appreciate was that for me it was constant. If he wasn't emotionally abusing me I was spending all my time trying not to annoy him. I heard a podcast the other day that it explains the feeling perfectly.

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/emotional-abuse-consumption-the-100-impact-of-10-abuse/id1566895530?i=1000680446969

If one of my friends rang me today crying because her partner/husband was being emotionally abusive I'd make up the spare bed, peel a couple more potatoes for tomorrow and tell her to jump in an Uber. I'm pretty sure that most of them would do the same for me. Even if it was one of adults DC's friends in this predicament they would be very welcome.

Get in touch with people. Good friends will be there for you. Return his presents and use the refunds to buy lovely gifts for yourself and/or your hosts.

Then block him until,Christmas is over and you are ready to set your new life in motion.

totally understand as my parents should have separated and didn’t and I didn’t want my kids to suffer that.

Please PLEASE leave him!!! You deserve so much better. Just because it's not violent doesn't mean it's not abuse!

Playing along and carrying on Christmas as normal just shows him it doesn't matter how he treats you.

Oh no random woman on mumsnet thinks I sound shitty, what will I do?!

Come on, OP was obviously being a bit childish about the film. It sounds like neither of them like each other anyway and it’s just coming to a head. I really wish people would use a bit of critical thinking and realise that what an OP posts on here won’t be the gospel truth 🙄

He has been doing this for years. a repeat of last Xmas, & doubtlessly multiple times in between.

Is he ND? Not that is an excuse.
My partner sometimes does this to me, but I have ADHD and I can get very emotionally disregulated as a result, I take it as rejection pretty hard. I do end up bulldozing him to give me eye contact and force him to speak to me, not sure if that's a good thing or not.

Ideally I'd like not to give any reaction and act the same as him completely nonchalant, like it's water off a duck's back. As sometimes I think he does it because of the reaction he gets from me, which is me getting annoyed at him, other times I think it's because he doesn't know how to engage in healthy conflict and is resorting to passive behaviour. Who knows, sorry no advice but it's not a nice feeling.

Take everything you have bought him back for a refund including any of the food shopping you can return and then book yourself a flight out and an hotel or airbnb for a week and piss off without telling him anything.

Then when you get back see a solicitor about a divorce

My mother does this.

I would have to grovel and apologise repeatedly for her imagined wrong doing. Over and over again for years. It was exhausting.

Last time I couldn't be bothered so we no longer speak or see each other. 13 years of peace. Life is so much nicer in everyday.

Seriously, walk away x

Mine to. I feel sad my mum didn’t have the courage to up and leave decades ago. Her life could have been so different .

The silent thing isn’t the only thing going on. Even my DCs call him out on how he speaks to her. Hope OP finds the strength to make the change.

The silent treatment is a tactic of abuse and control. Start with that truth.

Now consider - the man who is supposed to be your soul mate is doing it to you. Indulging in a Worzel Gummidge sulk instead of having a sensible conversation.

I wouldn't do any of the epic retaliation scenarios suggested here. It will just escalate the conflict.

Instead, write out exactly how this is making you feel today, then ask him to have a conversation with you. Stay calm and in control of your voice, language and body language. Set out exactly how the silent treatment affects you. Ask him to change the way he reacts to setbacks, being thwarted, whatever it is. We learn these behaviours in childhood from what we observed, experienced, are taught.

Give him every opportunity to engage in an adult / adult way, to talk to you.

See if he does. Observe his behaviour.

What happens next will give a good idea of what your future is going to be like. More of the same, and worse. Or genuine improvement and a reasonable Christmas.

Then you make your decision. It's in your hands.

www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/invisible-chains/202009/why-the-silent-treatment-is-a-tactic-of-abuse-and-control

Why are you staying with someone who is treating you like a child? As parents we are told to ignore the bad behaviour, and this is what he is doing to you, ignoring your “bad behaviour” - in this case disagreeing what film to watch(!) - in order for you to learn how to behave properly, ie shut up, stop having opinions and treat him with due reverence like the god figure he is.

Oh well done for leaving. Very brave but you absolutely did the right thing for your children. 💐

My DM never left my DF and I've had to go through a lot of therapy to help deal with my childhood but it'll never be right and I'm in my 50s.

The damage done to my mental health has been bloody awful so OP please consider leaving or kicking him out as you'll have a lifetime of this, so will any children.

This is horrible, I hate people who give the silent treatment rather than have a conversation so whatever it is can be sorted. If you were my friend I'd be more than happy to have you. I would just message them and explain the situation and I'm sure they would have you over no problem. Don't put his gifts under the tree and give him it right back with the silent treatment. If you don't go to a friends I'd book a hotel big bed, big TV, chocolates and even room service 🤣 but going forward a conversation is needed about his communication skills, he needs to communicate and discuss his issues and yous move on from it so it doesn't impact weeks of your life. No more silent treatment and if he doesn't then leave, you can't live walking on egg shells knowing he won't speak to you and make you feel uncomfortable over things like a film.

If a child came to their parents to say that their best friend at school got the hump about something inconsequential and was refusing to talk to them any more, it would be classed as bullying by exclusion.

This is what he's doing to you, only as an adult it's called emotional abuse.

I hope this thread gives you the courage to stand up to him and tell him his behaviour is unacceptable and unless addressed will be the end of the relationship.

Boil it down to the facts - he's giving you the silent treatment for DAYS because you weren't enthusiastic about his film choice. In what world is that acceptable??

Don't put his presents under the tree. Heck, unwrap and return them for a refund or use them yourself if you want/can. Contact a friend - people have so much food at Christmas, I'm sure there'll be space for one more. Go, have a fantastic time and make HAPPY memories for a Christmas.

I second what a PP said - sometimes the New Year's Resolutions write themselves.

My dad was like this and he was still doing it to my mum when they were in their 80's. It's a miserable existence. It's domestic abuse, you are being abused and you need to get out of this relationship.

It's deeply controlling as its a way of them getting their own way, never being disagreed with or challenged. It will get worse.

Sending love
If you were my friend I would be happy for you to turn up !!!

Put a divorce under the tree for him.

I'd go on lastminute.com and book a two week holiday. Then I'd come home and tell him if he didn't start acting like an adult and using words instead of the silent treatment, I would leave him.