MIL gave heirlooms to favourite son

Women like her disgust me. Stop pandering to her. Your dp will always be inferior in her eyes

Her will might be the final punch to his gut

Something tells me the OP is more upset about these heirlooms not getting passed to her daughter than her dh. I mean he would have been upset when this happened 10 years ago otherwise..

So invalidate his feelings? How’s that going to help, agree don’t make it the topic of every conversation but agree that he’s allowed to feel how he feels and it’s I am sure not just about the stuff it will be how he’s been treated all his life.

Watch out OP, because one of these days MIL will become frail and need some help and if you're unlucky it may be left to you and DH to organise care. This is because golden children always leg it at the first hint that parents' needs may involve them.

What a shit stirring petty family. Who told MIL knowing it might upset her? She gave it away, it wasn't hers anymore. And she gave it before you were on the scene so not sure why youre concerned... despite saying it's not about the money... it seems like it's about the money.

O while people have the right to do what they want with their own possessions, and that's fair enough with things you've purchased yourself. But when you are talking about heirloom pieces, it's not quite that simple - sometimes a person is the keeper of an item rather than the owner. Does someone really have the right to dispose of things they inherited where there was an expectation from the original owner that it he passed down the line?

Okay, mil didn't sell anything, but where we are talking about items that are also culturally significant it's not unreasonable for both her children to expect equal and fair inheritance of those items. And that's before you even get into the awfulness of the whole golden child/scapegoat situation!

I don't know about uninviting mil - id he inclined to follow his wishes on this either way, but I do think your dh should definitely pull back from doing her favours and a very honest discussion needs to be had with both his mum and brother.

@Gpates I thought as much its the way these things usually work. Your DH should defo univite her what she has done is hurtful and pretty clear how she views your DH don't put yourselves through if MIL asks why yiur DH should calmly tell her how hurt he is by her behaviour and leave it there and take a big step back from her no more help or jumping when she demands espscially when the fall out happens over the heirlooms keep well out of it let MIL explain herself to the family.

And I agree different siblings have different needs

Exactly that. Our kids fall into two categories - half of them will never want for anything material, the other half will always struggle. Fortunately those who are better off understand that we target our help to the others.

i don’t think you understand what’s being referred to. Which is ok, that’s a whole other post!

Yes, sometimes parents nuance their support to reflect differing needs of their children. And sometimes it's not like that.

But maybe some people realise different siblings have different needs because we are all different people, my siblings have had different help because they needed it more than me, me stamping my feet and complaining 'it's not fair' does not change the fact I am not a child and I am aware my parents have different relationships with my siblings because we are not one collective

Coming from another angle here. It's easy to fall into the trap of appearing to favouritise one child because life is complicated.

My parents help my sibling out a lot more financially because he is less well off due to career choices.

It hurts but I've come to terms with it. I think in their mind it need to help him out but they don't have enough money to equal it out.

I realised a while ago that they are just muddling along in life like all of us - making wrong decisions along the way. I know they love us both.

This is the sort of shit my mum used to do. Nothing you can do.

Well. If golden boy hadn't flogged it all, presumably there would have been scope for mil to do a little redistribution to include your daughter.
It was rash of her to hand stuff over before she knew she was going to have more grandkids, but the issue is really with the son who flogged it!

Correction / pervasive..although on reflection you do get persuaded your the scapegoat!

YES!!!! A million times..I think perhaps it’s hard to relate to the hurt if it hasn’t happens to you. It’s so persuasive and builds up over years so becomes ma mouth

its like “don’t cry over spilt milk” if you haven’t ever had someone be beside you, you need to cry over spilt milk for a while and heal and THEN you can go forward.

im the scapegoat for my family, but not for me!!! Hoorah!! Looking forward to lovely xmas with family that I chose and who don’t let me down, aka, well chosen friends!

I never get these posters who fail to understand how hurtful the golden child/scapegoat family dynamics are.

if your DH has a history of his DM treating him less favourably than his sibling, he needs to build some resilience and get used to it happening,

I'm going to sound unsympathetic now, but nothing is going to change by him being hurt by her, getting upset by her isn't going to change her behaviour so he either has to shrug it off and not let it bother him or go LC/NC if it gets him down.

Don't get involved, family dynamics are weird things and it's his situation to deal with not yours.

Why is she batty? Because she is not doing what you have decided she has too? Is it jealousy?

One day you'll wake up and it will be standing at the end of your bed!

It’s hurtful, I get it. On this website people generally favour withdrawing contact from family members in situations similar to this but I would recommend talking to her to clear the air - is he up for that?

Hopefully he’s prepared for the same treatment when his mother dies and her wishes are announced about her will.

I get your DH feeling the sting of the inequality, and he should potentially address that in a conversation with her. And definitely stop being so amenable and biddable. She clearly favours the elder son, and this will play out when she passes in the will I imagine, so he needs to create some psychological distance, or get therapy and examine why he does what he does and ensure it’s not for expectation of anything

However, she gave her things away - her choice. Your BIL sold them - his choice. Only marginally more toxic thinking she can’t do what she wants is thinking what BIL then did is wrong.

and this relative asking to see the piece of jewellery - who the hell gave them the right?!

Let “do as you would be done by” be your guide and help your DH keep his self-esteem. Disinviting her, particularly at such short notice, is unkind. Does he love his mother and how would such a break affect your daughter’s relationship with her grandmother? Help him to rise above the situation. It’s over and done with.