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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Shouldn’t this be down to him Not Me

90 replies

purplepentagram · 23/12/2024 18:29

Been with the hubby good 20yr plus now. 4 kids all now over 18.
over the years I’d built up a decent relationship with the MIL.
then this time last year it all went to shit.
my eldest daughter called round to see her, MIL was rather poorly so I phoned an ambulance and off she went to the hospital.
we get a call the following morning saying to get there quick for she was on her last stages, palliative care involved and wasn’t looking good. Was informed she had heart, kidney failure and part of her intestines has died off. Anyway somehow over the next few days she pulls off a miraculous recovery and cons her way out and to go home. So because of this I spent hours on the phone sorting out daily carers, home visits and everything she needed. All to have it thrown in my face. When people turned up … she locked the door and told everyone to F off, then I got accused of trying to kill her off and all other matter of things. In the mean time my husband just ignores it all - for years Iv been the one left to deal with anything to do with MIL. Over the years she has canceled that many appointments and ignored multiple health concerns- now this last year took its toll on me due to numerous things.
1 I’d literally just lost my own mother the previous oct. 2 due to my age and other factors it has sent my autism / adhd into over drive. So I’d not been coping at all. Now 2 week ago the mil yet again canceled another docs appointment, to where I’d told her she needed to go. But no!. then yesterday my son went round to check on her and we have a serious case of de ja vu going on. I go round and she clearly needs an ambulance but we get told where to go.
iv managed to get the docs to do a home visit tomorrow but I know she needs it now. Yet if I do she will never speak to me again. My hubby is coming across as he don’t care, not interested cause I need to sort it. Why should it be down to me.

OP posts:
TheCheeryLeader · 23/12/2024 21:15

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BeingMeFinallySlowly · 23/12/2024 21:15

purplepentagram · 23/12/2024 18:29

Been with the hubby good 20yr plus now. 4 kids all now over 18.
over the years I’d built up a decent relationship with the MIL.
then this time last year it all went to shit.
my eldest daughter called round to see her, MIL was rather poorly so I phoned an ambulance and off she went to the hospital.
we get a call the following morning saying to get there quick for she was on her last stages, palliative care involved and wasn’t looking good. Was informed she had heart, kidney failure and part of her intestines has died off. Anyway somehow over the next few days she pulls off a miraculous recovery and cons her way out and to go home. So because of this I spent hours on the phone sorting out daily carers, home visits and everything she needed. All to have it thrown in my face. When people turned up … she locked the door and told everyone to F off, then I got accused of trying to kill her off and all other matter of things. In the mean time my husband just ignores it all - for years Iv been the one left to deal with anything to do with MIL. Over the years she has canceled that many appointments and ignored multiple health concerns- now this last year took its toll on me due to numerous things.
1 I’d literally just lost my own mother the previous oct. 2 due to my age and other factors it has sent my autism / adhd into over drive. So I’d not been coping at all. Now 2 week ago the mil yet again canceled another docs appointment, to where I’d told her she needed to go. But no!. then yesterday my son went round to check on her and we have a serious case of de ja vu going on. I go round and she clearly needs an ambulance but we get told where to go.
iv managed to get the docs to do a home visit tomorrow but I know she needs it now. Yet if I do she will never speak to me again. My hubby is coming across as he don’t care, not interested cause I need to sort it. Why should it be down to me.

Not your place. Simply phone adult social services. You've done your duty of care and enjoy your life.

TheCheeryLeader · 23/12/2024 21:14

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ChristmasinBrighton · 23/12/2024 21:14

I would take a massive step back. But I doubt you will. It’s difficult to see why you posted tbh.

This is a situation of MILs making but you either leave her to it or carry on as you are.

NiftyPeachDreamer · 23/12/2024 21:13

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OP said her DH is ‘not interested cause I need to sort it.’

He expects her to sort it.

Guest100 · 23/12/2024 21:13

If he expects the op to do everything, call the ambulance and leave his phone number as the contact.

TheCheeryLeader · 23/12/2024 21:12

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NiftyPeachDreamer · 23/12/2024 21:12

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No but telling her she needs to sort it is expecting her to sort it.

TheCheeryLeader · 23/12/2024 21:11

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NiftyPeachDreamer · 23/12/2024 21:11

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Telling OP she ‘needs to sort it’ is expecting her to do it.

NiftyPeachDreamer · 23/12/2024 21:10

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OP said her DH is ‘not interested cause I need to sort it.’

He expects her to sort it.

TheCheeryLeader · 23/12/2024 21:10

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RawBloomers · 23/12/2024 21:07

NiftyPeachDreamer · 23/12/2024 20:56

Not as simple as that.

OP has said that her husband expects her to care for MIL.

It’s quite convenient for him. He gets to palm off his mum on to OP. He should just have gone NC with his mum years ago but didn’t.

Sorry, That changes things completely

I thought I’d read all OP’s posts. Must have missed that.

TheCheeryLeader · 23/12/2024 21:06

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NiftyPeachDreamer · 23/12/2024 20:56

RawBloomers · 23/12/2024 19:32

Woah! Your MiL was abusive to your DH and you have basically forced him into a relationship with her (presumably “for the sake of the kids”) and you’re asking if it’s his responsibility to let be abusive again so you don’t have to put up with it?

Why did you develop a relationship with your DH’s abusive parent?

Not as simple as that.

OP has said that her husband expects her to care for MIL.

It’s quite convenient for him. He gets to palm off his mum on to OP. He should just have gone NC with his mum years ago but didn’t.

Stormlantern · 23/12/2024 20:53

Elder care is really difficult, especially when they fight you every step off the way. I hate to say it but there really is nothing more you can do for her. You can't force her to take her health seriously and you can't force your dh to step up. If he was my husband, I don't think I could ever look at him the same. He's failing her.

Wolframandhart · 23/12/2024 20:47

Browningstown · 23/12/2024 20:45

Drop the rope and close your door.
You have been made a skivvy of by your MIL and husband.
Drop the rope before you become ill.

This. Why the actual fuck are you doing it? Why are you being a martyr?

Browningstown · 23/12/2024 20:45

Drop the rope and close your door.
You have been made a skivvy of by your MIL and husband.
Drop the rope before you become ill.

Heretobenosy · 23/12/2024 20:41

purplepentagram · 23/12/2024 18:37

Iv not once made an appointment for her. She makes them. I just take her since she isn’t mobile and I’m the only one that drives.
she will book an appointment. Phone me to ask to take her to said appointment. Then literally an hour or so before I’m due to pick her up. She phones to say she’s not going for what ever reason.

also I never said I didn’t like her. Over the years I’d had a better relationship with her more than I did my own mother. Yet since last year she now barely talks to me all for doing the right thing.

Sounds horrible and really stressful. My advice is to consider if you accept that she’s making her own decisions and leave her to it, and she dies, will you punish yourself and feel guilt? Only do what you need to do to ensure that if anything happens you can tell yourself you did what you could.

If you think actually I’ve already done everything I can, then stop. She’s making her own decisions. She’s obviously elderly and unwell and maybe she just wants to die in her own home?

umdontdothat · 23/12/2024 20:40

Omg your poor husband. How bloody traumatic and then for the mother to blame him. That's unforgivable.

Guest100 · 23/12/2024 20:36

I understand why you feel you can’t step away. But your Dh doesn’t want to step up and that’s up to him. Call the ambulance. Don’t go around there, but make the call. When the hospital calls you let them know you are no longer able to be involved in her care and that she will need them to organise a care team for her. Then you can step back knowing you have done what you can.

TravelInsuranceQ · 23/12/2024 20:25

In the nicest possible way, you need to step back from this.
She apparently has capacity so let her make her own decisions and leave her to it.
Don't get sucked back in though!
(I need to take my own advice as this is where I'm at with one of my parents atm....)

RealHousewivesOfTaunton · 23/12/2024 20:00

She sounds unable to make decisions about her own care. I'd phone adult social services and let them sort it out.

mummytrex · 23/12/2024 19:43

I was all for saying yanbu until you set out the back story. Your husband has clearly set boundaries/a line in the sand. You shouldn't try and force his involvement.

As others have said you need to take a step back. Unless you have power of attorney then MIL is free to make her own decisions however dubious they may be.

Pandasnacks · 23/12/2024 19:35

Well then YABU and no it isn’t his job, she’s been abusive and horrible to him and whilst it isn’t your job either to care for her, it’s certainly not on him.