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Original poster

Please, I need to get this off my chest.

161 replies

Vanillaskieshazeleyes · 23/12/2024 16:33

Hi, I've posted before about generic things. But this is something I just cannot talk to people about in person.

Been with partner 13 years. Around 8 years ago he started mentioning me sleeping with other men.

That was a firm NO. Wouldn't dream of it. He sort of played it off as just a fantasy & I STUPIDLY played into it. It's now consumed him so much.

Every single time we're intimate he talks about it. I've said i don't mind now & then talking about it but every time just seems excessive. Anyway, the past few years he's been horrendous with it. Like a dog with a bone.

He's consistently encouraged me to go sleep with someone. I've said no, he said it that much that I said ok I'm going out to do it (I never I sat in my car for an hour) came back & he caused a scene about it. So obviously he didn't want me too do it the whole time.

Now he's saying things like, when will you have sex with me? You slept with someone else, when's it my go.

I'm absolutely devastated I've allowed this to go on so long. I've probably missed lots out, sorry. I'm 29. I feel like I've been under some form of abuse where sex is concerned. But I doubt I have. I want to leave him, I'm done with the whole situation. I could've lived with a fantasy. But he virtually sexual harasses me to sleep with other men.

I'm so glad I never did sleep with anyone. I just need some firm advice on how to be strong to leave him. I don't need judgement. I've done nothing wrong.

Thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
Vanillaskieshazeleyes · 23/12/2024 17:02

jeaux90 · 23/12/2024 17:01

Are you both on the contract?

I think it's just me but I can't say for certain

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 23/12/2024 17:01

Are you both on the contract?

Original poster
Vanillaskieshazeleyes · 23/12/2024 17:00

It's a nice council owned home. I pay the rent. I've done a lot to it & I really don't want to have to uproot the children. I'd rather he go, but he's not going to go without causing a scene x

OP posts:
Original poster
Vanillaskieshazeleyes · 23/12/2024 16:58

Thank you for the replies x

We have two children together (they have never been exposed to any of it) in case someone suggests that.

It's council owned home. I am no contact with the majority of my family. That's for another day.

He's extremely manipulative with me. I've said I want him to leave after Christmas & it's all the sob story of how he loves me, its all my fault, how could I leave him with no support but I can go sleep with a random man. I haven't even wasted my time telling him I actually didn't sleep with anyone.

He probably wouldn't believe me anyway.

I'd just like some emotional support. Because deep down I still care & that makes me feel like putting up & shutting up. When I know in my heart it's not right. X

OP posts:
Daleksatemyshed · 23/12/2024 16:58

He's gone past sexual fantasy Op, now it's obsession. He's at the point where this could be dangerous to your mental health.

MatildaTheCat · 23/12/2024 16:53

I just need some firm advice on how to be strong to leave him.

Ok, you tell us how you think you can most easily leave him (good decision).

Do you live together? Own or rent? Any joint children or property? Do you have anywhere to go? Have you thought about how to tell him or not tell him you are off?

And most importantly what support do you have in RL? Leaving a long relationship is hard even if the person being left is a total and utter idiot.

You can do it.

jeaux90 · 23/12/2024 16:51

Why are you staying with someone who has no respect for your boundaries.

He is basically a disgusting pervert who personifies rape culture.

Ditch the sex pest please. You'll feel so much better.

AdviceAdvice123 · 23/12/2024 16:48

You are absolutely right that you have done nothing wrong.

It is abusive, it’s emotionally abusive, even with nothing else this sexual harassment is unacceptable.

So yes, please walk away. What is holding you back right now? Is it thinking you’re not entitled to leave? Is it concerns about the practicalities? We can help you work through those.

internallyrebellious · 23/12/2024 16:46

I've been in a similar situation OP, had an ex that got very 'excited' about the idea of me sleeping with other men (for his own gratification, nothing really to do with me!). Essentially he's using you as a tool for his fantasy. That's not cool, you are a person in your own right, with feelings that aren't being respected.

If someone is into that, fine, but you both have to be on board and I absolutely wasn't, even the suggestion made me deeply uncomfortable. He would go on and on about which ex I could potentially contact to set up sex, wanted me to tell him all about it afterwards. Totally not my thing.

Don't let him pressure you OP. You are allowed to leave a relationship for any reason and him not respecting your boundaries and pressuring you are well beyond good enough reasons to end it. As for him 'wanting a turn' and 'having a go?!' Wtf? What does he think you are?!Absolutely disgusting.

Rhaidimiddim · 23/12/2024 16:43

Vanillaskieshazeleyes · 23/12/2024 16:33

Hi, I've posted before about generic things. But this is something I just cannot talk to people about in person.

Been with partner 13 years. Around 8 years ago he started mentioning me sleeping with other men.

That was a firm NO. Wouldn't dream of it. He sort of played it off as just a fantasy & I STUPIDLY played into it. It's now consumed him so much.

Every single time we're intimate he talks about it. I've said i don't mind now & then talking about it but every time just seems excessive. Anyway, the past few years he's been horrendous with it. Like a dog with a bone.

He's consistently encouraged me to go sleep with someone. I've said no, he said it that much that I said ok I'm going out to do it (I never I sat in my car for an hour) came back & he caused a scene about it. So obviously he didn't want me too do it the whole time.

Now he's saying things like, when will you have sex with me? You slept with someone else, when's it my go.

I'm absolutely devastated I've allowed this to go on so long. I've probably missed lots out, sorry. I'm 29. I feel like I've been under some form of abuse where sex is concerned. But I doubt I have. I want to leave him, I'm done with the whole situation. I could've lived with a fantasy. But he virtually sexual harasses me to sleep with other men.

I'm so glad I never did sleep with anyone. I just need some firm advice on how to be strong to leave him. I don't need judgement. I've done nothing wrong.

Thank you x

His behaviour and obsession in not healthy or normal - it has gone beyond a sexual fantasy to spice up.your sex life.

He needs therapy. You need to get yourself away from him.

ZippyCat · 23/12/2024 16:39

This is insane I am sorry your going through this op I would in these circumstances leave you definitely can do better