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Original poster

Please, I need to get this off my chest.

161 replies

Vanillaskieshazeleyes · 23/12/2024 16:33

Hi, I've posted before about generic things. But this is something I just cannot talk to people about in person.

Been with partner 13 years. Around 8 years ago he started mentioning me sleeping with other men.

That was a firm NO. Wouldn't dream of it. He sort of played it off as just a fantasy & I STUPIDLY played into it. It's now consumed him so much.

Every single time we're intimate he talks about it. I've said i don't mind now & then talking about it but every time just seems excessive. Anyway, the past few years he's been horrendous with it. Like a dog with a bone.

He's consistently encouraged me to go sleep with someone. I've said no, he said it that much that I said ok I'm going out to do it (I never I sat in my car for an hour) came back & he caused a scene about it. So obviously he didn't want me too do it the whole time.

Now he's saying things like, when will you have sex with me? You slept with someone else, when's it my go.

I'm absolutely devastated I've allowed this to go on so long. I've probably missed lots out, sorry. I'm 29. I feel like I've been under some form of abuse where sex is concerned. But I doubt I have. I want to leave him, I'm done with the whole situation. I could've lived with a fantasy. But he virtually sexual harasses me to sleep with other men.

I'm so glad I never did sleep with anyone. I just need some firm advice on how to be strong to leave him. I don't need judgement. I've done nothing wrong.

Thank you x

OP posts:
Wolframandhart · 23/12/2024 20:36

Vanillaskieshazeleyes · 23/12/2024 20:30

This is the part that absolutely batters my head. How could he want me to sleep with another man, then when it comes down to it, he uses it against me? It confuses me so so much. For anyone who'll read this without reading the thread. I have NOT slept with another man x

he wants to have something against you. Just leave him

JMSA · 23/12/2024 20:34

'When's it my go?' 🤮
He's treating you like an object. He's depraved.
Please, please, PLEASE leave him. You sound lovely and are worthy of actual, proper love and respect Flowers

Maddy70 · 23/12/2024 20:33

Honestly someone that doesn't respect my boundaries like this I would be gone

TriptoTipp · 23/12/2024 20:31

You have made the correct decision to get him to leave.

Now its about conserving your emotion and not letting him derial you with hystrionics.

You dont owe him an explanation or a justification as to why the relationship as ended. In fact any info you give will just be something for him to obsess over.

If you feel the need to expand - say because I dont want to or its not working for me. You can repeat this one more time and tell him that you have nothing further to say and leave the room.

Get together a plan and take one step at a time.

Tell him he needs to leave the house by x date. Do not go back on the date even if he says I have a place but the dates dont work. Thats his issue to solve - sofa surf / hotel.

This is criticalas this man has shown he has no boundaries - he will push incessentantly.

If he is not on your deeds and you have given him notice to leave and he refuses - you can call the police (calmly without himknowing when the DCs are out of the house) and tell them you have a tresspasser and they will remove him.

Also get this out in the open - tell your friends and his friends and any family / neighbours and collegues that the relationship has ended and he is leaving on x date. Make it real and make sure he knows you have told others - to stop him gas lighting you.

You can change the locks / put on a bolt / ring door bell - he will likely cause a scene. Call the police immediately if there is any threat or escalation in his mood. Tell the neighbours it is ending and if they see or hear an escalation to call the police.

Have a safety plan. Good luck.

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 23/12/2024 20:31

You're definitely making the right decision by the fact that he is now guilt tripping you. If he had any sense at all he would be totally humble and respect your decision based on the actions he has taken towards you. He doesn't respect your boundaries at all.

Original poster
Vanillaskieshazeleyes · 23/12/2024 20:30

This is the part that absolutely batters my head. How could he want me to sleep with another man, then when it comes down to it, he uses it against me? It confuses me so so much. For anyone who'll read this without reading the thread. I have NOT slept with another man x

OP posts:
Original poster
Vanillaskieshazeleyes · 23/12/2024 20:28

It's definitely coercive because he's already said, I've had my head turned by another man (who I slept with, the man that I pretended about) x

OP posts:
Nantescalling · 23/12/2024 20:27

I hope you are saying 2025 can only get better, meaning he won't be around to abuse you and run your mental health into the ground any more. Thank God youaren't married so you have every right to send him packing - once you've checked up with the Council. Merry Xlas and jolly 2025 to the three of you !

DeathstarDarling · 23/12/2024 20:23

I hope you can get through Christmas ok and then make sure he slings his hook. He is probably going to try all sorts ranging form best behaviour and the rest. Take care, enjoy Christmas with your kids and come back on here if you wobble and need some support.

Twilight7777 · 23/12/2024 20:19

StormingNorman · 23/12/2024 17:45

It’s not abuse. It’s just a fantasy. You’re not interested in playing along and should have left years ago. Sexual incompatibility is extremely difficult to overcome and over the past eight years neither of you has wanted to.

Wrong it’s coercion and emotional abuse

Original poster
Vanillaskieshazeleyes · 23/12/2024 20:10

Again, thank you for all of the messages. It's making me think my decision in ending it is definitely the right one.

Obviously it's hard, because there's children involved & he's all I've ever known. There's probably some Trauma Bonding there on my behalf. Which could be why I know I'll struggle when he goes.

But our children MUST come first & if I stay, I know it'll ruin my mental health which will trickle down to our children, so I definitely know leaving is 100% the right thing too do.

It's a fetish I could've lived with IF it was kept as a fantasy that was under control & was brought up now & then. But he just can't seem to stick to it being now & then. He quite literally like a dog with a bone. 2025 surely can only get better.x

OP posts:
AdviceAdvice123 · 23/12/2024 20:10

Because deep down I still care & that makes me feel like putting up & shutting up. When I know in my heart it's not right.

It’s ok to care - about a bit of him, or a memory of who he was, or an idea of who he could have been. You loved him, that’s ok. You can feel that, and at the same time know that he is mistreating you and you have to leave. Give yourself permission to have that bit that cares, just don’t let it rule you.

shuggles · 23/12/2024 20:09

@GremlinsStairlift Have to disagree. My friend is in this exact situation and her DH absolutely has the mind set of storing up information that can later be used as blackmail against her. He is a very calculated person.

How exactly can a woman having sex with another man (which her husband wanted her to do) be used against the woman as blackmail?

Marine30 · 23/12/2024 20:09

Hi OP, I am terribly sorry you are in this situation.
You could also try your local Citizens Advice in the new year. They can advise on council housing and although they cannot give legal advice they may be able to suggest contact details for some mediation services if things get difficult re the split.

QuestionableMouse · 23/12/2024 20:05

Daleksatemyshed · 23/12/2024 16:58

He's gone past sexual fantasy Op, now it's obsession. He's at the point where this could be dangerous to your mental health.

Not just her mental health. Your physical health and wellbeing is at risk too, as we've sadly learned yet again lately.

Gagagardener · 23/12/2024 20:02

@Vanillaskieshazeleyes I was so sorry to read your post. I hope you achieve your aim of sharing your home with only your children.

I understand why you chose an anonymous forum to ask for support..Well done for doing that. Now you need to go that stepfurther by approaching some of the organisations other posters have suggested.

I hope you can find enough useful help and advice on here to get you through Christmas. Stay strong and resolute, and have a very Happy New Year. Sending best wishes to you and the children.

Motherbear44 · 23/12/2024 19:58

Vanillaskieshazeleyes · 23/12/2024 16:58

Thank you for the replies x

We have two children together (they have never been exposed to any of it) in case someone suggests that.

It's council owned home. I am no contact with the majority of my family. That's for another day.

He's extremely manipulative with me. I've said I want him to leave after Christmas & it's all the sob story of how he loves me, its all my fault, how could I leave him with no support but I can go sleep with a random man. I haven't even wasted my time telling him I actually didn't sleep with anyone.

He probably wouldn't believe me anyway.

I'd just like some emotional support. Because deep down I still care & that makes me feel like putting up & shutting up. When I know in my heart it's not right. X

what you are going through is awful. He pushed you for such a long time. He might be blaming you but you know it is all about him. What you feel deep down is reality. Don't for a moment let him doubt yourself. I wish I could give you and your children a great big hug.

nonbinaryfinery · 23/12/2024 19:39

Everlygreen · 23/12/2024 18:41

Do this. Record the next conversation that he has with you about this. All the gory details. Dump him, then send it to all his friends and family telling them what he's done to you. That will shame him forever. Disgusting pervert.

Sadly he will probably get off on this.

Aggressive cuckold fetishes like this are bad (for many reasons) because they WANT to feel humiliated, and it doesn't matter what you do, leaving them is a sick part of it for some of them, knowing their ex partner might end up with someone else down the road, is a turn on.

Men are such disgusting creatures.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 23/12/2024 19:39

Sorry to hear this. Once you’ve left him and are in a healthy relationship you will find it hard to believe you ever put up with him
for so long. Appallingly disrespectful of him. You need to leave with your self respect in tact. Take care of yourself.x

NiftyPeachDreamer · 23/12/2024 19:32

GremlinsStairlift · 23/12/2024 19:24

Have to disagree. My friend is in this exact situation and her DH absolutely has the mind set of storing up information that can later be used as blackmail against her. He is a very calculated person.

I'm not saying all men who are into the cuckold fetish are this way. Often they are submissive types who enjoy being humiliated.

By the sounds of OP partner he is something different altogether, it isn't a basic cuckold fetish where they are not in control, on the contrary, he very much likes to be in control. He is the one orchestrating this crap despite OP making it clear she doesn't want to.

Now he's saying things like, when will you have sex with me? You slept with someone else, when's it my go.
He is using this information as weapon to beat OP over the head with.

Show quote history

Exactly. @shuggles telling OP this is just a male fantasy is minimising abuse.

TheHateIsNotGood · 23/12/2024 19:29

There is much more 'life' out there - you've both grown up and apart, you've been with each other since very young and for a long time.

Break up, painful though that might be.

Thepossibility · 23/12/2024 19:26

He's treating you like a sex doll that exists for his pleasure. Nothing he says to guilt you matters, that is simply not a situation you can exist in with any sort of self respect.
You are the mother of his children too, which makes it worse. He has done this to himself and to the whole family.

GremlinsStairlift · 23/12/2024 19:24

shuggles · 23/12/2024 19:15

Rubbish. Clearly, none of this is calculated or thought out in that way. This is just a classic cuckhold fetish. Some men get extremely aroused when thinking about their partner having sex with other men.

Show quote history

Have to disagree. My friend is in this exact situation and her DH absolutely has the mind set of storing up information that can later be used as blackmail against her. He is a very calculated person.

I'm not saying all men who are into the cuckold fetish are this way. Often they are submissive types who enjoy being humiliated.

By the sounds of OP partner he is something different altogether, it isn't a basic cuckold fetish where they are not in control, on the contrary, he very much likes to be in control. He is the one orchestrating this crap despite OP making it clear she doesn't want to.

Now he's saying things like, when will you have sex with me? You slept with someone else, when's it my go.
He is using this information as weapon to beat OP over the head with.

Mrswhatsit40 · 23/12/2024 19:21

It doesn’t matter what it is, whether it’s dressing up, sleeping with other men or smearing yourself in ice cream..

If your partner keeps pushing you to something you don’t want to do, and have made clear to them you don’t want to do it - they are abusive and don’t give a shit about you. They are actively trying to coerce you into behaviour that you find upsetting/abhorrent for their own gratification.

It’s disgusting- of course you’ve done nothing wrong 💐

Wonderi · 23/12/2024 19:20

Vanillaskieshazeleyes · 23/12/2024 18:32

We're both the same age. I absolutely can cope & I'm not vulnerable. I've made it very clear he's got to leave. He will leave. I just wanted some emotional support. I could honestly do without assumptions being made about me & then the whole point of this post is derailed.

Show quote history

Sorry I didn’t mean to sound rude!

I just think most people wouldn’t put up with this for the past 8 years and so I wrongly assumed that you may have been vulnerable and would find it harder to separate from him.
But obviously I was wrong.

I’m sorry I never meant to offend you.