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Original poster

Annoyed at / despairing of my dad

66 replies

JoannaGroats · 23/12/2024 15:58

Every Christmas he ignores my mum’s request not to buy her a present, or to just buy something small. Every year he has no clue what to get, so my sister and I end up having to look around for things when our pleas for him to actually listen to her rather than panic buying fall on deaf ears. And every year I end up wrapping it, because I know any attempt he makes at Christmas wrapping will look like I threw a roll of paper and the sellotape into the monkey house at the zoo.

At 3pm today he emails me and my sister (email! Not even a bloody WhatsApp!) saying he’s got no clue what to get her and do we have any ideas. 3pm today. Whyyyyy?!? Why the hell has Christmas Day being on 25 December come as a surprise to a 65 year-old man?! Even a few days ago would have at least given us the option of ordering online. Now it’s a mad dash around the shops on Christmas Eve and, thanks to my parents’ local shopping centre having gone down the pan over the last few years, probably a trip to the next town.

I’ve been so organised this year. I was ordering from November onwards; the only reason I haven’t finished my wrapping is because I had heavy items sent direct to my parents’ house. Now I’ll be trekking around crowded shops in desperate search of inspiration at the last possible moment. (And it will be me. My sister had two kids under ten - no way will she have time to go shopping on Christmas Eve.)

I believe the ridiculousness of this. I feel like telling him to lump it and get vouchers, but I know a guilt trip about why I can’t just do this for my mum will be coming my way. Why can’t HE do it for his wife?!

OP posts:
MissyB1 · 23/12/2024 17:12

If you desperately want her to have a present ftom him then message him your suggestion,and the specific shop he needs to go to, make it clear you aren't going.

MissFancyDay · 23/12/2024 17:10

You're mad, sorry. There's being a martyr and there's this, it's in another league.

She doesn't even want a present.

icecreamscoops · 23/12/2024 17:06

Re read the first sentence yoy wrote. Your mum doesn't want a present so it's simple you don't do anything!

Mysteryfemale · 23/12/2024 17:06

So at 9am or whatever tomorrow morning, your dad says, "Did you see my email?", you say no*, he says, "I don't know what to buy her," and you say, "Well the shops are still open so we will be company for her while you nip off." If he says why can't you go you point out it's his present to her, and you're not going out, you have just arrived. It may mean your mum gets a box of petrol station chocs and some windscreen wash, but she's said not to buy her anything and he will hopefully remember this in future.

*Or you say yes, wearing your big girl pants, and the rest of the conversation goes as above.

Boomer55 · 23/12/2024 17:04

I've got an elderly neighbour (82) who panicked about buying his wife a present. I was happy to choose it with him, and then wrap it nicely....it took nothing from my life to do that. 🙄

AnarchismUK · 23/12/2024 17:03

I've read your OP and answers. I still don't understand why you don't say sorry no idea, you'll have to go.

ChristmasinBrighton · 23/12/2024 16:57

I don’t understand why you don’t just say no?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 23/12/2024 16:56

JoannaGroats · 23/12/2024 16:22

Because if at 9am when the shops open my dad asks “Did you see my email?”, I can’t exactly say “No, and I won’t be checking my email again until 3pm”, can I? He’ll just ask me in person!

So what's to stop you telling him to get something himself, even if he's guaranteed to make a mess of it?

TravelInsuranceQ · 23/12/2024 16:54

Every Christmas he ignores my mum’s request not to buy her a present,

So he's not listening to your mum and neither are you?

Just do nothing, your mum doesn't want a present!

ChekhovsMum · 23/12/2024 16:52

‘Dad, you’ve done this every year since I was a teenager, and this time I’m putting my foot down. You’ve left it until the 23rd to ask me to do this, which would mean a very unpleasant, rushed trip to the shops for me. Also, I think you’re outsourcing your thinking and your shopping to the nearest woman, because you think this is what women are for. That kind of behaviour makes women’s lives unbearably stressful. The answer is no, this year and every year from now on.
No no, I’m not being selfish - you are.
No, I don’t have too much to do - I just don’t want to do this, so I’m not going to.’

JetskiSkyJumper · 23/12/2024 16:44

Doesn't! want anything

JetskiSkyJumper · 23/12/2024 16:44

But your mum does even want anything so just say no.

I definitely would not be enabling this again.

InSpainTheRain · 23/12/2024 16:38

I am not seeing the big deal here, I wouldn't do it. Your mum will know about the fact that you and your sibling buy the present and wrap each year so it's all a charade. I would respond "Hi Dad, tricky one! especially leaving it this late!. How about looking on line for a spa day or museum pass. Bit rushed here, so hope you find something. Looking forward to seeing you on whatever day". And leave it.

I certainly wouldn't get stressed over it, DH and I don't always do presents anyway. If I want anything I just whatsapp him a link saying "I don't expect anything but here is a present idea if you want it". It's only a big deal if you make it so.

madroid · 23/12/2024 16:35

I know a guilt trip about why I can’t just do this for my mum will be coming my way. Why can’t HE do it for his wife?!

Well those feelings of guilt are yours to own and control. Do you actually need to feel guilty? Is his demand fair or right? Is it one you would feel entitled to make if your positions were reversed?

You know the answers, you are just not taking responsibility for your logic or feelings. Why not?

It's not your problem OP, keep out out of it. It's between your mum and dad.

ChaosHol1 · 23/12/2024 16:30

I'd just give him a suggestion and where he could look and send him for it. Fuck running round for him on Xmas eve.

MauveGoose · 23/12/2024 16:29

JoannaGroats · 23/12/2024 16:13

Because if I give in and actively choose to buy the present myself, he definitely won’t do it himself!

Show quote history

So? You've bought your mum a present right? So who cares what your dad gets her. Honestly OP, drop the rope

ThinWomansBrain · 23/12/2024 16:28

JoannaGroats · 23/12/2024 16:13

Because if I give in and actively choose to buy the present myself, he definitely won’t do it himself!

Show quote history

So give him a list of options in November
preferably at stores with gift wrap options.

PussInBin20 · 23/12/2024 16:26

Sorry but you are allowing it, so you’ve only got yourself to blame. Stop doing his last minute shopping and make him do it himself.

Or failing that just tell him “she doesn’t want anything!”.

Ilikewinter · 23/12/2024 16:26

Why can't he go himself?

Original poster
JoannaGroats · 23/12/2024 16:22

Because if at 9am when the shops open my dad asks “Did you see my email?”, I can’t exactly say “No, and I won’t be checking my email again until 3pm”, can I? He’ll just ask me in person!

OP posts:
Weefreetiffany · 23/12/2024 16:22

Sorry OP, but thanks for reminding me to check if my dad got something for my MIL. Am guessing the a swer is no as I did t tell him what to get her ffs

Headingtowardsdivorce · 23/12/2024 16:19

JoannaGroats · 23/12/2024 16:16

Exactly that. I was replying to a poster who suggested I pretend until tomorrow afternoon I haven’t seen the email. I can’t do that, as I’ll be at the house before then.

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Yes, I understood that, but why does it matter if you're at their house?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 23/12/2024 16:17

JoannaGroats · 23/12/2024 16:13

Because if I give in and actively choose to buy the present myself, he definitely won’t do it himself!

Show quote history

But he already ISN'T doing it himself, and even worse he's now leaving it until the last minute so you'll rush around for him

Unfortunately you've enabled this, so now's the time to stop and remind him the shops are still open until tomorrow evening

Original poster
JoannaGroats · 23/12/2024 16:16

Headingtowardsdivorce · 23/12/2024 16:13

What do you mean you can't avoid it?

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Exactly that. I was replying to a poster who suggested I pretend until tomorrow afternoon I haven’t seen the email. I can’t do that, as I’ll be at the house before then.

OP posts:
Headingtowardsdivorce · 23/12/2024 16:13

JoannaGroats · 23/12/2024 16:09

I’ll be at their house by then, so I can’t avoid it 😬

Show quote history

What do you mean you can't avoid it?

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