Am I being unreasonable to leave my in-laws’ at Christmas because MIL won’t stop with trying to guess if I'm pregnant

Doing that would open the OP up to endless questioning about IVF, etc - it would become even MORE intrusive and personal.

MiL deserves to know NOTHING.

I think I am leaving
But what exactly do I say without actually saying "we have infertility"

You don't say anything about pregnancy/infertility at all - just that you don't appreciate the incessant personal jibes so are leaving
No further discussion, no "Oh buts ...", simply go and leave her with her mouth hanging open and a deeply uncomfortable atmosphere to deal with

This is awful and she has had enough hints .. just go and let dh deal with her

you’ve done enough

1. Drink a bottle of wine in front of her.
2. Vomit on her carpet.
3. Leave.

"Let's talk about that later. Have you got your will sorted? And your funeral plan - you're not getting any younger, are you?"
Then leave

I'd actually tell her. Your parents know. It might make her more thoughtful. She's very tackless and quite unthinking but she doesn't actually know what you are going through. I know she should be more sensitive but some people just aren't!

Agree.

MIL is a vapid moron. Women who obsess over grandmotherhood are grim and annoying.

I'd tell her one more comment and you're leaving. Then do so.

Maybe sitting all alone Christmas Day will cure her of the joking remarks.

another tack you could try is what we do when people tell racist or sexist jokes:

You: don't say things like that it's mean
MIL: it's only a joke
You: oh sorry, i don't get it, can you explain why it's funny?

Then leave

you say "Its none of your fucking business"

You have my sympathies, OP. We struggled to conceive our first and that in itself was stressful. But on top of that I had my FIL making horrible comments like "I can't believe you're still not pregnant", and at a wedding, whilst sat at a table with other guests, he loudly announced that I was useless because I still wasn't pregnant. I was so humiliated, everyone on the table looked uncomfortable, and I spent the rest of the day crying in the toilets.

Another family member on dh's side became obsessed with knowing first about me being pregnant (she's a real gossip and wanted to be in the know) and whenever I saw her she would spend the whole time trying to hand me glasses of wine, questioning me as to why I wasn't drinking said wine (I barely drank alcohol anyway, and the wine they bought was particularly gruesome) and staring at my stomach whilst talking to me.

A third family member on dh's side also got odd about whether or not I was pregnant (I think it was because her dd got married close to when dh and I got married and she wanted her dd to get pregnant before us) and every time I saw her (which thankfully wasn't often) she would keep touching my stomach to see if it felt swollen. It was horrible and put me on edge.

Infertility was hard enough to deal with anyway, but to have these people doing and saying things that made me feel like a failure and drawing attention to my biggest fear (of never being able to have a child) made an already upsetting situation even worse. So I completely understand where you are coming from, OP. I pulled away completely from family occasions because of these people, which I don't regret at all. However, I wish I'd spoken up more to make it clear they were being out of order behaving like that.

What an absolute bitch she is. I pray you have a baby soon OP. In the meantime just refuse to see her, DH can see her alone.

I second this. Do it any and every time you're in her presence and she pulls this stunt but especially this Xmas.

Yep. Honestly OP, just tell her you find her comments really bitchy, and if she makes them again, you are going. And don't see her again unless she apologises and stops.

She's been warned to stop by your husband already and she hasn't. She can play it off as a "joke" if she wants but it's not funny or playful to you and your husband. United front I'd say, you, your husband and your toddler all leave and don't visit her again.

As for the comment of she wants to be a grandma again I'd reply "what about taking more to do with the one you already have?" Presuming they don't see them too often with the distance.

Reply for when are you getting pregnant again? "When are you going to die?"

The last ones a bit brutal but this is how I've ended up after years of being asked questions like when are you getting a boyfriend? When are you getting engaged? When are you getting married? When are you having a baby? Well the next big event in life for someone that age is death so yeah ... That's my question... Soon shuts them up 🤣🤣

Have only read OPs posts.
I wouldn't warn her. I would pack up ready to leave and then at the next comment, i would tell her that you and DS are leaving, DH will do what he likes, but you are never seeing her again because she is upsetting you"

And then go.

Exactly this. I don’t understand why so many people are so upset or annoyed or angry and never say anything.

It’s very simple. Tell her to stop, that it’s upsetting you and when there’re is some news you will tell her. If she does it again say this is the kind of comment I am talking about, I won’t be around it again and have asked you to stop.

You are a grown up and want her to read your mind and stop what she is saying . I”m not saying it’s right but clearly she doesn’t think she is doing. Any wrong,

All of the rest about secondary infertility and IVF isn’t known to her. A lot of people don’t know how or don’t react to a miscarriage well. Also, to some people (again not saying it’s right) a miscarriage is just a natural thing that happens. I know I’ve been there for all that you are going through.

Sympathy OP. I’d go the crying route, preferably in front of lots of people. She’ll look like an insensitive bigmouth (funny that) and hopefully wrap her yap. Alternatively, if you don’t think that’d work and DH is not up to telling her in words she will heed, could one of your parents have a word? Ideally they’d witness the comment and then bang - ‘We all love the grandchildren Jane but don’t keep harping on at her about it, it’s none of our business.’

My dad didn’t need to be asked, he chose violence when my FIL moaned to him that we’d decided we were done (I ended up hospitalised three times and was badly damaged on the last birth, the ILs knew all this) and barked at him ‘it’s not a brood mare you’re talking about.’ 🫣

I mean, the whole thing was a bit argh and misogynistic but it did put FIL right back in his box.

I'd leave.

If she asks why I'd be tempted to tell her it's because she's a bully who hides behind "banter".

So you go nuclear. Tell her she is stressing you out, which won't help, and to honestly stop it. Then go home. Stupid woman. And expecting to be told about a pregnancy before the first trimester? Looney.

Go and have Christmas on your own.

This.

You could say you are stressed out by her lack of common decency.

My mother was the same. Digs at me ( not about grandchildren,she wasn’t interested in the ones she had) all passed of as “just a joke”. No it’s not, it’s horrible passive aggressive bullshit.
I think you should get toddler into the car, your DH lingers behind and tells his mother why you’re all leaving. Because of her nasty digs, her nosiness, her passive aggressive snide remarks. He can call it what he likes but he has to lay it on thick. If she tries to say it’s a joke he just says no it’s not it’s nasty, vile behaviour. And leave.
if she doesn’t stop cut her out of your lives.

The question "What part of my request to stop do you not understand, Mum?" should follow her protest that it's just banter/ she isn't pressuring anyone/ blah blah.

You or your H need to issue an ultimatum if she can't/ won't desist. It would be best if it came from your husband. "Mum, if you continue to cause us grief on this topic, we will leave."

Then leave.

You haven't told her about the IVF but did you tell her about the miscarriage this year? To give her the benefit of the doubt for a second, if she doesn't know about either of those things then she probably has no idea just how much of a raw nerve she's touching. She's not a mind reader. She's obviously not the most emotionally intelligent person but I think that packing up and leaving is rather extreme at this point, if she's so far completely unaware of your struggles. Your DH should just tell her. Not necessarily about the IVF, or even about the miscarriage if you really don't want to, although that would stop her in her tracks and make her think a bit about the impact of her 'jokey' remarks.

But she does at least need to know that you are really struggling and it's upsetting you both and you'd really, really appreciate it if she could just shut up about the whole thing.

Then, if she doesn't, of course you pack your bags and leave.

I do think you need to tell her the partial truth. Perhaps tell her that you are having difficulty conceiving and that’s why you find her comments upsetting. If after that she doesn’t stfu then leave.

@AnneLovesGilbert for a short time then she started again and I eventually went no contact as I couldn't cope with the fact I was never going to be the petite slim blonde daughter she wanted

Quite how that was my issue when her side of the family are all built like wrestlers I have no idea...