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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable to leave my in-laws’ at Christmas because MIL won’t stop with trying to guess if I'm pregnant

359 replies

mariannnnaa · 23/12/2024 12:54

We’ve got secondary infertility, and our toddler is our only child right now. Because both sets of parents live far away from us and each other, we take turns spending Christmas with them, staying about a week each time. This year, it’s my in-laws’ turn.

The issue is my MIL. She’s desperate to be a grandma again and has always been pushy about it. When I was pregnant with my toddler, she was annoyed we waited until 10 weeks to tell her (instead of immediately). DH and I held off because we knew that, if something went wrong, she’d be the least supportive person. She has no filter and often says things that are thoughtless or hurtful.

We’re currently doing IVF, but the in-laws don’t know. MIL would make it so much worse with her comments. She’s already said things to DH’s cousin like, “When are you finally going to get pregnant?” when they were having IVF, and when she heard about their miscarriage, her reaction was, “Oh, what a shame! I was really looking forward to baby cuddles this autumn.”

Whenever we visit, she won’t stop with the constant “jokey” questions. She’ll say things like, “Can I offer you some wine? Hahaha!” Or if we’re discussing lunch places, it’s, “Sushi? Marianna, SUSHI? What do you think?” with a smug little laugh. If I’m not hungry, it’s, “Ooh, not much appetite? Ginger helped me every time I was, you know, a little queasy…” It’s relentless.

Today, we went to a fair, and just before I got on a ride with my toddler, she pointed to a sign about pregnant women avoiding it and asked, “You’re still going on?” When I nodded, she added, “Guess no grandchild by summer, then!”

DH has already spoken to her and told her to stop. He didn’t mention IVF, but he said her comments are unhelpful and stressful. She just brushes it off with, “Oh, I’m not pressuring anyone! I’m just excited for when it happens.”

Honestly, I’ve had enough. As soon as my toddler wakes up from their nap, I want to leave. I can’t face another sly remark, like, “Want some ice cream? Don’t worry, it’s pasteurised!” I had a miscarriage earlier this year, and IVF is already stressful enough without all of this on top, especially at Christmas. I’d rather spend it alone with my child than pretend I’m fine while trying not to cry every five minutes.

OP posts:
jannier · 23/12/2024 18:04

mariannnnaa · 23/12/2024 12:59

How would you go nuclear on them?

He's said numerous times and it's not worked, she denies doing anything wrong. She says it's just friendly banter and she isn't pressuring, she's just trying to guess. When we ask her not to guess she kind of says ok, stops for a day or so and then does it again

Show quote history

"stop your friendly banter you fruit cake it's nasty and insensitive you don't know what happens in people's lives so if you want to spend time with the grandchild you have shut up about anymore. "

VegTrug · 23/12/2024 18:02

Leave. Please leave for the sake of your toddler at the very least, who will picking up on this tension and thinking it's her/his fault :(

jellybe · 23/12/2024 17:59

Sorry to hear your MIL is such a shit. I hope you left and explained clearly that it is because she will not stop making 'jokes'.

VickyEadieofThigh · 23/12/2024 17:59

TheBluntTurtle · 23/12/2024 17:55

Hugs from another IVF-er currently preparing for treatment next year - it is so diff to prep for treatment this time of year because if you don’t drink relatives ask ‘oooh are you pregnant?!!!’ Like you I have t told my family - because I don’t want the pressure - so it makes handling comments like your MILs difficult. Your MIL does sound like she has zero emotional intelligence and is really self centred when it comes to this topic though. I think your choices are either leave before Xmas day - or your DH needs to have a very stern word with MIL and say that her comments are insensitive and hurtful and if she carries on you will be immediately leaving. It’s up to her how she behaves then.
you can’t change her behaviour - she has shown how she is multiple times with you and DH’s cousin - you can just choose how much longer you are prepared to be around it though.
i hope you manage to have a restful festive period and I hope your treatment goes okay next year x

I think the best response tobeing asked if you're pregnant when not drinking is "No. I'm an alcoholic."

Mic drop.

seven201 · 23/12/2024 17:57

I hope you did go home @mariannnnaa

TheBluntTurtle · 23/12/2024 17:55

Hugs from another IVF-er currently preparing for treatment next year - it is so diff to prep for treatment this time of year because if you don’t drink relatives ask ‘oooh are you pregnant?!!!’ Like you I have t told my family - because I don’t want the pressure - so it makes handling comments like your MILs difficult. Your MIL does sound like she has zero emotional intelligence and is really self centred when it comes to this topic though. I think your choices are either leave before Xmas day - or your DH needs to have a very stern word with MIL and say that her comments are insensitive and hurtful and if she carries on you will be immediately leaving. It’s up to her how she behaves then.
you can’t change her behaviour - she has shown how she is multiple times with you and DH’s cousin - you can just choose how much longer you are prepared to be around it though.
i hope you manage to have a restful festive period and I hope your treatment goes okay next year x

hettie · 23/12/2024 17:52

mariannnnaa · 23/12/2024 12:59

How would you go nuclear on them?

He's said numerous times and it's not worked, she denies doing anything wrong. She says it's just friendly banter and she isn't pressuring, she's just trying to guess. When we ask her not to guess she kind of says ok, stops for a day or so and then does it again

Show quote history

Going nuclear world be your dh saying in a loud strong voice with full eye contact something like this
"Look mum. I've politely asked you to stop with the comments and guessing. You have done it again. This is your last warning. If there is one more comment myself DW and DC will be leaving immediately and we will never come and stay with you again. You will have limited contact with your existing dgc and I will never forgive you. Your behaviour is unacceptable and you need to stop it. Do you understand what I've said and are you clear about the consequences of continuing?"
Something like that I would have thought...Clear strong and polite...

BlueMum16 · 23/12/2024 17:50

mariannnnaa · 23/12/2024 13:11

I think I am leaving.
But what exactly do I say without actually saying "we have infertility". I don't want to give that away as I feel it would make everything worse and to me, I'd prefer to keep this private, very very few people know (my parents, my best friend).

I know it's popular advice on MN but this would not make DH go NC with his parents. They will still be in our lives. And I understand that, they might be crappy ones but they're his parents.

Just to add, I kind of misrepresented it in my original post by accident. It's not always us visiting. Sometimes they visit us during the year (not for Xmas, Xmas we are always either at my parents or his).

Your DH should be able to tell his parents about the infertility, in confidence , especially as your parents know.

Either way your DH then needs to sit with his mum and explain this isn't banter. It's unwelcome comments/bullying and it it doesn't stop you are leaving. Give her a clear last chance.

I'm sorry you have this crap to deal with.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 23/12/2024 17:47

stichguru · 23/12/2024 17:38

I'd say "not another word on this otherwise we will leave and go no contact." Hopefully she will get the idea, if she doesn't that's on her.

As mentioned, it's likely that only actually leaving will work and it doesn't have to be for ever as hopefully this will get the message across

All that asking her not to mention this will get is "Ooooo I'm not allowed to talk about pregnancy am I??", probably just after she has talked about it and with a silly giggle/flappy hand

Notquitegrownup2 · 23/12/2024 17:46

I'd keep it very calm and factual. No need to mention infertility:

M/MiL, your friendly banter about pregnancy is too upsetting. We have told you about this before. We wanted to celebrate Christmas with you, but we can't stay, whilst you keep upsetting Mariannnna. We are going to leave now.

Jumell · 23/12/2024 17:44

I would leave tbh

Enough is enough

WigglyVonWaggly · 23/12/2024 17:41

God, this is awful. I think I’d look her in the eye and say, “You are really upsetting me by continually doing this. It’s totally insensitive. If you make another pregnancy comment I’ll leave.” She sounds bloody insufferable and pretty thick!

stichguru · 23/12/2024 17:38

I'd say "not another word on this otherwise we will leave and go no contact." Hopefully she will get the idea, if she doesn't that's on her.

Lemonadeand · 23/12/2024 17:34

DH needs to be firmer with her.

Have you tried telling her you’re one and done? Or maybe joke back something like, “every time you make a joke about us being pregnant, if we do really get pregnant that will be one extra week we don’t tell you. So that’s eleven weeks instead of ten ha ha!”

Then if she does it again, “you’re up to twelve weeks, Maureen! You won’t be hearing until the baby’s graduation at this rate!”

Purplecatshopaholic · 23/12/2024 17:29

Leave. Grey rock them. Your DH can speak to them, go round etc if he wants, but I wouldn’t be joining him, no way! She’s way out of line.

Dollshousedolly · 23/12/2024 17:16

I hope you did get to leave. Even if you weren’t going through IVF listening to that crap is just not on, especially since she’s been asked to stop. It’s rude, it’s disrespectful and just horrible really. I’d even say it’s a form of bullying.

I hope you have a lovely Christmas away from there and best wishes with the IVF.

Jumell · 23/12/2024 17:15

ChaChaChaChanges · 23/12/2024 12:57

You’re not being unreasonable at all. Your DH has tried but she’s not taking you seriously. Maybe leaving will force her to behave better in future.

THIS!

GabriellaMontez · 23/12/2024 17:13

So asking nicely didn't work.

Either tell her to fuck off, every time she does it.

Or just leave. "I've asked you not to keep commenting on pregnancy. You cant respect that, so I'm leaving".

You don't have to explain.

Hatty65 · 23/12/2024 17:12

Just leave.

If you need to say anything say, 'The constant intrustion into whether or not I am or am intending to be pregnant is awful. DH asked you to stop and you won't. So I'm leaving and won't be returning. Neither will the toddler. Your behaviour crossed the line a long time ago and I'm not prepared to tolerate it any longer'.

I'd also add 'By the way - your comments to DHs cousin were disgusting. I don't know how you can live with yourself'.

IAm16StoneHalloween2024 · 23/12/2024 17:11

Tell her you’re not bothering until the Australian visa is all sorted.

I seriously hope your next update is from the queue in the supermarket, because you’ve come home and obviously have no food yet.

And commiserations on the secondary infertility and all good luck for the future.

Eyerollexpert · 23/12/2024 17:11

Perhaps if you took her to one side and said" Look obviously you think you are not doing anything wrong keeping bantering about if I am pregnant, especially since DP has asked you not to,but seriously carry on and we are leaving."
She will either stop bantering or stop speaking to you. Either result better than now. 💐

ChristmasKelpie · 23/12/2024 17:00

You can either shut up and put up or be down right blunt and tell her that if she doesn't pack it in you are going home and taking your child with you. She only goes on because you both allow her too.

oakleaffy · 23/12/2024 16:59

Daisybuttercup12345 · 23/12/2024 13:11

Husband needs to but her straight.
Of tell her he's had the snip.

@mariannnnaa Yes, tell her her son has had the snippety snip, that will take the wind out of her sails.

It must be so irritating having to field off questions like that.

MollieSugdon · 23/12/2024 16:58

My Dh had to really flip out at his mother to stop her making "weight" comments every time she met me. I have always been slim, never had a problem with my weight but the slightest fluctuation as noted by her got a comment. It was fucking rude and annoying and not polite lunch conversation at all. She did it because she has no filter and had nothing interesting to say, but also partly because she is a massive bitch. Your DH needs to have a massive go or get his dad involved. Sorry if FIL has been mentioned but he may be the safer route.

BeLilacSloth · 23/12/2024 16:53

Can DH ring her and explain how her comments are hurtful, nasty and bitchy! And if she mentions anything about preganancy on Xmas day, you will be walking out and never seeing her again. These are unacceptable comments. I feel for you OP.

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