Am I being unreasonable to leave my in-laws’ at Christmas because MIL won’t stop with trying to guess if I'm pregnant

Anecdata != Data

Correlation != Causation

Fifty years ago this was commoner because the detail and depth of investigations was not available.

There will always be odd cases of unexplained fertility but to jump from that to an assumption that the lack of fertility had been caused by stress is nothing more than an assumption.

Just how helpful do you think it is to a couple experiencing infertility to be told its their own fault for being too stressed? Its a dickmove.

Someone like my friend & her Dh who were investigated inside out with absolutely no reason found for infertility is a completely different situation to a proven diagnosis. You can't compare the situations. They adopted, didnt bother with contraception given the long history & pregnancy happened within 6 months. It's more insensitive, cruel & obtuse to suggest my story was not shared with good intentions.

Off out now for final Christmas shopping towards family meal,everything else completed 😊

Talking doesn’t work so shock her into silence on the matter. Next time she makes a joke:

“Fuck off Susan. You have been told on numerous fucking occasions that your jokes aren’t funny and we find them hurtful. Now are you going to shut the fuck up or shall we leave”.

It’s rude and aggressive but she will shut the fuck and she won’t forget it.

Then you need to tell her... bluntly. Look at it this way, if you leave, you'll upset her, so you may as well upset her by saying your piece.

Next comment she makes, say: 'I'm actually finding your obsession with my pregnancy status really offensive so I'm asking you, politely, to stop with all the comments. Otherwise, you won't see me OR any future grandchild!'

I’m all for this. Let it out, let her see that ‘oh I didn’t mean-‘ is bullshit. Burst into tears, and then do your leaving.

They might have said they had given up trying but they presumably weren't using any contraception. Anyway, association does not equal causation.

I very much doubt people with infertility problems would want your opinions on how they will get pregnant if they relax. Everyone knows they don't need to follow it. It is the advice itself which is irritating.

That’s my point, it’s choosing which study to believe therefore it can’t be cited as medically proven just contradicting evidence from competing studies. Either way for someone going though IVF it’s unhelpful and effectively makes them feel like they are responsible for the situation. For someone who has lost a tube or ovary unsolicited advice like this is insensitive, cruel and just plain obtuse.

Also if your friends are coming TO you it’s not the same situation as the OP as her MIL is inserting herself where she has been repeatedly told she is not wanted.

To the OP, I hope however you handled it, that you have a lovely Christmas and I wish you all the best in your journey xxx

''You can't get through to someone like that with an appeal for empathy; they aren't capable of seeing it that way. But a direct consequence, like not getting to see the family she constantly upsets, may work.''

Exactly this. We don't reward obnoxious behaviour in children, so I don't see why adults should get a free pass.

Don't get these posters saying if the OP's mother has been told then her MIL must be as well. One's relationship with one's mother will naturally be a lot more intimate than with one's MIL, however much you may love the latter. It's just not the same and can't be, as one of them gestated you, gave birth to you, did all the sleepless nights and bum wiping and tear mopping and life advice for 18+ years, saw you through teenage angst, and contributed a lot to the person you are. The other comes into your life when you're more or less fully made, and you have to learn to relate to each other as adult to adult. It can be a beautiful thing - but not in the same way.

Of course not everyone is blessed with the sort of mother who can be trusted with private information, but with something so personal as infertility, all things being equal she's the most likely person aside from your partner that you'd want to share it with. (Father, close sibling, and the "long-lost twin" sort of friend may also come into this category.) If, on the other hand, you have the wrong sort of mother and a really brilliant MIL, you might want to confide in the MIL instead. But in this case: mum is supportive, MIL is a self-centred gobshite, you can't treat them equally because they not only aren't on an equal relationship footing but they are very different people. Someone who you know is not trustworthy won't become trustworthy by showing them trust. It will almost certainly result in her telling everyone she knows and still won't stop her making snide remarks. It might even give her ammunition for a new set of funnies at DIL's expense.

Still trying to collect my jaw from her remarks to the bereaved cousin. It's just possibly I would have said something that crass in my teens if the situation occurred (and hated myself afterwards), but by the time you get to be the parent of someone having their own children you really should have learned a wee bit of circumspection. She seems to see other people as instruments of her personal gratification. She wants babies, they must have babies. They fail to have babies, they've let her down. Whether she's punishing them or, more likely, trying to chivy them to try harder for more babies may never be known. You can't get through to someone like that with an appeal for empathy; they aren't capable of seeing it that way. But a direct consequence, like not getting to see the family she constantly upsets, may work.

This particular study you have quoted doesn't alter the fact many people who adopt due to infertility including a friend of mine fall pregnant afterwards & when they've given up trying. That's not to say it's the only reason but you can't deny it happens. There are also studies which prove this. Its not from Dr google,its bonefide academic studies so go ahead & believe the ones that suit you.

As far as judging my ability to support my friends family when asked,I can assure you they appreciate it or they wouldn't turn to me with problems. I never tell people what to do.I generally say what I would do in the situation & it's up to people to decide.

@Onceuponatime9 ahh Dr Google that we’ll known physician - medical advice on the internet is like p0rn you can find all sorts to suit tastes if you. I found the attached in 2 seconds, that also doesn’t mean it’s true either. Have you considered the stress that it causes to have someone constantly interfering.

Kindly you may see yourself as the empathetic saviour of your friends and family - I can assure you that not all of them feel that way.

Please Google does stress affect the ability to become pregnant? You will find it has been proven to be ONE of the many reasons. I didn't for a second suggest it was the only reason.

If she'd be far from supportive over a miscarriage then the mind boggles over why you would go there for Christmas at all, or ever.

@Onceuponatime9 - ‘relaxing’ is not going the many complex reasons for infertility and comments like yours actually make infertile people feel worse and puts the blame on them - that it is their fault that they aren’t pregnant as they can’t ‘relax’.

infertility is a medical condition. People with infertility deserve to be treated with the same respect and sensitivity as those with other illnesses/ conditions. Do you expect everyone to tell you their entire medical history when they don’t want to or aren’t ready to? no one has a right to know OPs medical information - especially not her MIL who has not shown empathy to others who have experienced pregnancy loss and infertility.

Why on earth does OP's insensitive, overbearing MIL deserve to know about OP's fertility struggles and IVF? This is OP's medical information and she absolutely shouldn't be forced to share this information with her MIL.

If reducing stress will help OP get pregnant, I think massively reducing contact with her MIL may help.

Your Christmas is already ruined OP as she has wound you up so badly you will be constantly on edge so really what more can you do? Yes leave for your own sake or show her up for the moron she obviously is. Every time she starts you shout out to your dh where ever he is "OI Kev shes off again!" Every time be him in the vacinity or not. Put it back in dh court to deal with right there and then sit back.But do it every single time.She should be embarrassed to hell if she has any redeeming features. The atmoshphere with the stress you are under must be bloody awful. Get out of there lovely and go home.

Have you left yet? I would really HAVE to blow up at her, as sometimes that is the only way they will finally get the message - that massive shock. I would tell her to shut the hell up, she is being a real bitch, you don't owe her a grandchild, you're more than a breeder and if she wants something to fuss over so bad, buy a puppy or a cat and to stop being so selfish and offensive. I don't care if I'd scorch the earth, I'd literally say "I'm leaving here because you are a selfish, offensive and obsessive fucking bitch!!" to her. She needs to snap out of it get that jolt.

Believe me; if my MIL acted like that, I'd tell her to her face she is a selfish fucking bitch (yes, I'd use the term fucking to add punch) and I'd tear her a new one that she'd be wearing on her face! She would NEVER do it again after that. I can promise you that. Stop being too nice.

Just tell the to shut the fuck up ss you are sick of her rudeness and sly comments.

Oh dear God, I’m guessing you’ve never suffered infertility yourself?
It’s so patronising to suggest stopping stressing might allow the OP to fall pregnant. Having been through 5 rounds of IVF myself (thankfully resulting in my 2 beautiful children) I speak from experience that it’s mainly required for medical reasons.

MIL is not entitled to know their medical history, she just needs to stop being an insensitive twat !

go home OP, no need to put up with her nonsense!

@mariannnnaa since she will get the ump anyway you may as well say you are leaving because you have had enough of the constant digs/jibes and her inability to stop once and for all.

MNers love to tell posters to go nuclear, no contact, leave the bastard. Also grey rock.
Your MiL doesn't sound awful, she's perhaps insensitive or dim?
I would be ginesta to her and explain why you are leaving early.

I would take her aside and firmly tell her that if she wants to continue the relationship she has with her DGC she will stop any discussions on any other non existent ones.

Tell her you don't want any more and you don't want any further talk about it.

She's lucky you've not told her to eff off.

I've no family, though I desperately wanted children. Had an aunt (kindly) lecturing me that my mum wanted to be a grandmother.

In the end, I told Mum that we'd been trying without success and that I was deeply upset by my aunt's comments. My mum was a decent person and was upset on my behalf.

Your MIL is not a decent person. Your husband needs to tell her to back off in much stronger terms.

ETA Apologies. Accidentally quoted.

Yeah, I'd just leave with your toddler, husband if he wants, or can stay with his overbearing, obsessive mother, if he'd prefer.

I'd pack my bag, grab toddler, say goodbye to husband if he's staying and just go, I wouldn't even give her a goodbye to be honest. Let your husband explain to her why she's driven you and the grandchild she actually has here on earth away.

Honestly, these overbearing MIL's need to be bloody grateful for what they have right in front of them. Your poor son, he's right there, yet all she cares about is a hypothetical baby that isn't (sadly) even conceived yet.

Let this learn your lesson, no more spending alternative Christmas's at her house. Enjoy Christmas's at home as a family unit, then your own parents the alternate year. This woman does not deserve to celebrate this special time with you.

And if you do (hopefully) get pregnant in the future, I wouldn't even tell her. Let her just find out when your bump is there. This woman does not deserve to be told anything after all of this constant pregnancy obsession she is throwing at you.

Wretched woman.