Am I being unreasonable to leave my in-laws’ at Christmas because MIL won’t stop with trying to guess if I'm pregnant

Why doesn't DH just tell her to stop as it's upsetting HIM rather than you? See how that goes.

I feel for you. She’s been told, she’s just rude and narcissistic! Playing it off as banter is just underhand.

My MIL was similar. We took a long time to fall pregnant although they didn’t know we were trying. Every time we saw them she’d ask when she’d been a grandma. Make comments constantly - it actually gave me major ick. We ended up telling them that we had decided not to have children. She soon shut up and never mentioned it again. My MIL has no filter at all and has form for saying the wrong thing.

"We can't get pregnant because dh ant get it up. Please don't ask me again, it's hurtful enough without you making it worse".

Said very loudly in a busy restaurant... You may or may not warn dh ahead of time, but this makes it a him problem. I bet he sorts it out then.

YANBU at all. It was good of you to even try staying with her, knowing she will behave like an arsehole. I'm glad your DH is supporting you and telling his mother to stop but, at the end of the day, he can't control her. Personally, I wouldn't see her ever again. Dh could do so on his own whenever he wished, but I wouldn't be going with him or entertaining her in my home. Perhaps one Christmas of that would be enough to shock some manners into her, but probably not. If you're going to continue to go with your DH when he sees her, your only real option is to develop a thick skin and ignore her. Anytime she starts, ask your DH to say something like, 'not this again mum, change the record' and then you or he start a different topic of conversation, preferably addressed to his dad or each other. I also still wouldn't stay with them (or have them stay with you) for any extended period of time. A day in such dreadful company is more than enough.

I'm really stunned at just how awful she's being to you. She needs to get busy enjoying the grandchild that she already has, instead of harassing you about the next one. Her 'jokey' bullshit has clearly strayed into bullying, and you do not have to put up with it

Feel free to break down and howl in front of her - do not be ashamed. She deserves to be made to feel deeply uncomfortable and ashamed of herself. Do not share any private details with her. Focus on her appalling behaviour rather than sharing your personal business with her. Absolutely do pack up and leave if that will bring you peace. She needs to know the impact her behavior is having on you

This!!!^

I think you need to be a bit firmer with her and tell her straight that its not on and if she doesn't stop then you WILL be leaving. She needs to know you are serious and it doesn't matter how jokey she thinks she is being that she is being inconsiderate and inappropriate and you won't put up with it any longer.

*dc

Tell her straight. Her constant asking is driving you nuts and you will decide when you would like to conceive again IF you choose too. Unless she knows your planning another I would be tempted to say you have decided to only have the one child so she can stop asking and if you were to be pregnant you would decide if you want icecream, sushi, pate, blue cheese or what ever else she is trying to ask about. As for the offer of wine Tell her you'll take the bottle if the French inquisition is going to carry on. Make it clear it stops or your leaving if you haven't already. As for being just you and do, I would bloody hope dh leaves with you.

Leaving seems drastic at Christmas, I would talk to her yourself first and explain you understand she doesn't mean to upset you but it doesn't change the fact her comments are very upsetting. And yes I would say something along the lines of "I don't enjoy spending time here and will stop coming if you carry on_.

He needs to impose a boundary, he can’t stop her saying what she says but he imposes a consequence. My boundary is I don’t listen or discuss pregnancy stuff, if you can’t abide by that mother we will leave. And leave . Like a newspaper bop on the nose for a dog, train her. He needs to do it not you and he needs to say it’s his boundary not yours so no she gets upset rubbish he needs to say he doesn’t like it.

She sounds awful but would it help to take her to one side and get upset and cry…she might then realise how unkind and insensitive she is being.

The level of entitlement is off the charts. You're not just an incubator! Even if you weren't having fertility issues, it'd still be completely unreasonable for her to nag you about providing her with grandchildren, at all, ever. It's just gross.

I totally sympathise. This is the reason I never told my MIL about the miscarriage I had before eventually having a successful pregnancy. She was very put out that we didn't have children (suggesting that if I wasn't ready, we should just have one anyway and "give it to her".) I knew if she knew about the miscarriage she'd A. Make it all about her and how devastated she was (she has form for this) and B. Realise we were actually trying and go completely mental over it. When I did eventually have a baby, she started nagging for more while I was still bleeding from a traumatic childbirth, making comments about it to other family members in front of me etc. This is one of the reasons I am now LC with her and have dropped the rope in terms of encouraging/reminding my husband to contact her.

If I were you I'd leave the next time she says anything, OP. There will be fallout but she obviously doesn't care about your feelings so I don't see why you should prioritise hers when she's behaving so appallingly.

I hope you have a lovely, peaceful Christmas, wherever you are.

Our 2nd & 3rd came late. We did realise, that maybe we would only have 1st child.

I would have told them to sh*t up and left. It's none of her business. It's rude and It's hurtful.

Keep asking her about her funeral plans. "Hahaha, burial or cremation?"

Funny that you’re trying to work out how to mince your words, OP, while your MIL is letting endless bullshit drop out of her face despite being repeatedly told to stop.

Do not tell her about the infertility. She’s pushing you for more information; don’t reward her tactics. My MIL was just the same.

You need to pack your shit, tell her you’ve had enough of her comments, and leave. It’s hard but she’s left you with no choice.

I'm sorry....your MiL did what to your phone now so she knew your were pregnant???
I seriously hope she is either NC or sitting alone with a restraining order for company now!
Jesus H. What women do to each other!! FFS.

I'm so sorry you had that happen to you.

You are not unreasonable. Your MIL behaves very nasty - it’s not a banter she is bullying you all the time. However you should stay calm and exclude yourself a bit from the process.
Talk to DH, pack and only then he should go and tell his mum calmly and politely that you all are leaving, that HE can’t stay because of her behaviour. And then you should leave.
She might try apologise but for her to get a real lesson you all should leave this time, otherwise it will continue and continue. Further down the line it will be about DC washing hands, sticking to routine, you not eating certain food or preferring certain shops etc etc there will be always something. It’s not about infertility at all. She’s just found your weak place and bullying you, it’s her personality.

Why would it be unreasonable for the Op to leave? Why should she have to just accept such rude behaviour? The MIL doesn't give a shit about the Op's feelings so why should the Op have to stay in such an uncomfortable environment.

I would at the next snipe, say:
"For Gods sake Doris, will you STOP with the baby inuendos. I'm sick of it, its not funny, its not clever. You are making me miserable. You have been asked repeatedly ti stop prodding.
If it happens again I'm leaving.
& dont give me the "its harmless" bollox.
Its intentional, invasive & constant.
So Just Cut It Out."

If she starts justifying herself, you stand up, collect your stuff & leave

It's mad how people think they are entitled to make comments or judge if you should or shouldn't be pregnant. We had the opposite issue with my late MIL, told her we were expecting 2nd child and she went in the kitchen without saying a word and we could hear her smashing dishes and sort of growling. She had her granddaughter and couldn't see any need for any more. She's always been difficult but there was no coming back from that one.

How would you go nuclear on them?

DH loses his shit. Absolutely loses it and explains why. Loudly. Whilst losing his shit.

Or

You both leave and whilst leaving, DH loses his shit. Absolutely loses it and explains why. Loudly. Whilst losing his shit.

God she sounds insane.
you could just threaten first? Mil I’ve asked you to stop and I’ve told you it’s stressful, if you make another comment I’m taking dc and going home. Then when she does you leave, then that’s your reason. Or just make something up, leak in the house you’ve got to go sort, a friend who needs support. Sorry you’re dealing with this, dh should be being more assertive

She sounds like a complete dickhead, to be honest.

She needs to be told very clearly and with absolutely no ambiguity whatsoever that her comments about “another grandchild” are not welcome or wanted and if she continues you will leave and she will be seeing less of the grandchild she does have as a direct result.

This is appalling. I wouldn’t go NC but I would call her out on it every single time. Shut up Mum/Hilda, you are being insensitive and mean and have NO IDEA what is going on for us. Just shut up, ok?
I think she would stop.

I think you need to tell her in front of everyone to fucking stop it! Either she stops or you're leaving. You've got to be forceful.

It seems that maybe you're being polite about it and so she just thinks it's an unserious game And she's bantering you in a lighthearted way.