Am I being unreasonable to leave my in-laws’ at Christmas because MIL won’t stop with trying to guess if I'm pregnant

I didn't say you did. I am just pointing out that it is exactly the kind of advice you shouldn't give. FYI

I never once gave advice. I shared a genuine story. My friend confessed to me she was shocked she became pregnant so quickly after the adoption went through & after years of being told investigations of both her & her DH no reason could be found.

I would tell mil that if she makes one more comment/joke about pregnancy you will be going home as you are fed up with her. If she pushes back tell her that her “jokes” aren’t funny and she should know how inappropriate it is and that she is unlikely to find out if you get pregnant now until after the baby is born at this rate!

Yep - giving birth and subsequently being unable to conceive or carry a baby to term qualifies as secondary infertility.

Secondary infertility is diagnosed when you’ve given birth and go on to have difficulty getting pregnant or carrying a baby to full term - OP has had a miscarriage, and it sounds to me as though they’ve already had their diagnosis. OP is struggling. It’s insensitive to pick apart the terminology.

It should not be necessary for OP or DH to share private information, and it is not a tit for tat, making things fair, situation.
It is about whether people will make you feel worse at this time (because honestly I don’t know anyone who can make us feel better about infertility, so just not making it worse is the goal).

Asking to put a stop to the comments should put a stop to the comments.
Also with this woman if they tell her about IVF she will just be intrusive about that too.

@mariannnnaa if your DH is not going to go no contact then low contact and all talk of pregnancy off the table.
And if you are lucky enough to get pregnant for your own mental health I would be avoiding her anyway as she will try to guess and go on at you.
The is no way I would be telling her at 10 weeks again. (I didn’t tell anyone until after anomaly scan).

Secondary infertility is when you can't get pregnant or carry a baby to term after you've been pregnant and given birth. And frankly, arguing about the terms on a thread written by a woman struggling with fertility and insensitive relatives is grim.

I'm not berating or belittling. I'm saying that if you have conceived within the last 12 months then technically you don't qualify as infertile, so while I appreciate that the OP will be worried and frustrated, I don't think it would be appropriate or very accurate to blurt out 'we have infertility' to her MIL, as she puts it.

If she wants to say anything at all (and it sounds like she doesn't) then it should be something like 'we have been TTC for a while now and it's not happening as quickly as we'd like.' Because that is the truth.

And they've concieved in that time.

OP has already explained why she doesn’t want to tell MiL. And based on what OP has already shared, there doesn’t seem to be any understanding - clueing her in won’t change that.

OP did have a miscarriage. From her opening post:

l had a miscarriage earlier this year, and IVF is already stressful enough without all of this on top, especially at Christmas

Agree that that post is very unkind though - l hate posters who start out with ‘l mean this nicely’ and then go on to berate and belittle.

Tell her to get a cat if she wants something small to take care of and stop going on about babies!

It wasn't OP who had the miscarriage, it was a cousin of her DH. I presume that if she is having IVF, OP and her DH meet the criteria for secondary infertility set by medical professionals. Your post accusing the OP of being dramatic is unnecessary and unkind.

If OP has a 2 or 3 year old then they could easily have been trying for 1-2 years.

It is awful to tell someone who had a miscarriage that it's a shame you won't get baby cuddles - it's downright cruel! Rather than acknowledging the pain the parents are going through, the MIL is saying she has been let down by them. She sounds vile!

OP, you don't have to feel bad walking away from MIL if needed. She sounds horrible. Too many people get a free pass being from 'another generation' but many older people are sensitive, tactful and compassionate too. The MIL is just a nasty person.

She says in the OP that she had a miscarriage this year. The NHS criterion for being considered to have fertility issues is generally when you've been actively TTC for more than one year with no success.

If her IVF is being paid for privately then there won't be any qualifying criteria. If you can pay, you can have it. So the fact the consultant has agreed means nothing.

What a nasty post - It's patronizing to tell OP who is undergoing IVF for diagnosed secondary infertility that they are being "dramatic" - their doctors think they meet the criteria for infertility regardless of what you think.

Also where does OP write that she had a miscarriage? In her OP she talks about her MIL's unsympathetic reaction to a cousin's miscarriage.

Do explain how telling a couple experiencing infertility that its their fault is ever anything other than a dickmove. Now, 20 years ago or 50 years ago.

Love your failure to explain why someone's private medical info is anyone else's business, expecially considering you are "a natural sharer though & see nothing wrong with that if it gives people a better understanding of my issues if & when they occur. I also pride myself in being a natural supporter of anyone who shares their problems & they do."

Or does that only apply if nobody is calling bollocks on the claims?

I would turn it around and say you are not pressuring her to stop, just excited about when she stops the comments, and when she does you’ll see her again. Then leave.

When did you start TTC after your first, anyway?

You say it's 'secondary infertility' and that you've recently had a miscarriage earlier this year, but you also say your first child is still a toddler.

I mean this nicely, but isn't it a bit soon and a bit dramatic to be saying 'we have infertility' to anyone? You have a child who is still a toddler and a recent miscarriage. As sad and frustrating it is for you not to be able to conceive again as quickly as you'd like, it doesn't really meet the definition of infertility just yet.

Excuse me,it was 20 yrs ago. Anyway you sound bitter so end of replies on this one.

Tell her to shit up. Be brutal. My dm did this whole ‘When am I getting grandchildren?’ thing and I told her it was an extremely personal question, did she also want to know when we had sex, as that was basically what she was asking. It shut her up.

There are two in this couple - the infertility affects them both and both could benefit from family support.

Your DH may be devastated too, and feeling he can't speak frankly to his mother as you have with yours might make him feel very isolated and without the support you have.

Perhaps if he was able to do that she might realise that it's her son suffering too, and that possibly the infertility might be coming from him.

If he could explain what the treatments do to you physically and to you both emotionally, she might get a glimmer of compassion going?

@GRex

Saying after a miscarriage that it's a shame because she would have liked baby cuddles isn't awful at all; slightly selfish but not awful.

You might not think so but based on the responses on this thread, can you not see that for the majority of people this would be received as an awful, selfish, thoughtless comment?

How is it not awful to make someone else's miscarriage about yourself and what you will miss out on?

I think the difficulty is that you are telling your family about fertility issues and therefore they can be understanding, but you aren't telling MIL and so she can't. Saying after a miscarriage that it's a shame because she would have liked baby cuddles isn't awful at all; slightly selfish but not awful. It would be an awful lot easier if you are just up- front "It doesn't seem to be happening right now MIL, which is upsetting for me, so please can we drop any and all pregnancy speculation or other talk about it to enjoy xnas, thanks!"
You don't need to talk about IVF etc, but clue the woman in if you want understanding.