I don’t want my in laws to hold my baby, AIBU

It's great that for once on MN, you've asked if you are being unreasonable, and accepted the response. Anxiety can make life very difficult - addressing it is the right thing to do.

Yes, you are being unreasonable.
Unless you and your baby want to live as recluses, nothing wrong with that, it won't work.

I really feel for you OP, you poor soul. And you haven't "messed everything up". Your stance comes from a place of love and caring for your baby. Yes ,your Anxiety levels are too high and it's impacting on your health so great that you are seeking advice- for your own peace of mind and health. Online advice might also be helpful.Living with severe anxiety levels is horrible and exhausting.But it's understandable that people are more anxious after covid so please don't blame yourself.
But I also think that your inlaws need to respect your boundaries. And I'd have been raging if anyone put their fingers in my babies mouths . Perhaps a message from both your husband and yourself just laying down boundaries to both sets of family then no one being singled out. Maybe even explain your anxiety and fact gp involved if you feel able to share? Totally understandable if you don't want to share this info .
Be kind to yourself
Hope you manage to have a lovely christmas

Your behaviour is very abnormal. I loved passing my babies around family.

I am sorry to say this, but the problem is yours. It would be good to try and find a way of dealing with this, as it will impinge on your children's well-being as time goes by. I am sure you would like them to grow up without inheriting this anxiety.

Good luck with trying to sort this.

You are being unreasonable, but it's not uncommon. It's natural instincts which are there to protect the baby, and sometimes it kicks in stronger than for others.
It should settle down over the next couple of months, try to pick what you voice such as fingers in mouth as a priority so the actual issues are taken more seriously than if you're voicing all the feelings.

I was gob snakes when i read you were not a first time mum- see if you can find any anxiety meditation to help and don't be afraid to take chemical support from to doctor. It's all irrational and you need to learn to chill around your in laws for the sake of your baby and your marriage - I couldn't tolerate it

Get help. Yes yabu

I feel for you OP. I was like this (still am a bit). One time I couldn’t sleep for two nights after some random touched my baby’s hands in public when there was a swathe of D&V going around (and I had a baby that did a lot of gnashing their own fists). I actually did try to seek help, because I was so consumed with the idea of my baby getting germs/virus’ and getting sick and possibly dying I was anxious all the time, it was exhausting. It was taking the joy out of having my new baby and introducing them to the world and our family. I was however told “this is perfectly normal, all mothers feel like this” but I don’t think it is, and this thread proves it.

In therapy years later it’s come out that these feelings are probably part of something deeper.

I know some posters have been a bit unkind pointing out that your feelings are a bit out of the norm, but I think unless you’ve experienced this level of anxiety and fear around germs, it’s hard to understand and people have no idea how distressing it is. Your whole body gets involved in some kind of fight/flight reaction. It’s not voluntary it’s not a ‘choice’ you aren’t being selfish or a dick etc it’s an actual illness where your brain is in hyperdrive and hypersensitivity to threat to your baby. People looking outside in just see the ‘behaviour’ they don’t see the pain and fear underneath.

Go see your GP. Ask to be referred for support. Your HV might be able to help and IAPT services offer CBT which can be helpful for this kind of anxiety. Long term though, you might find (like I did) there’s some deeper stuff under the rug that’s triggered this anxiety and you need to deal with that too if it exists.

I don’t blame you OP, I’ve seen far too many dirty bastards not wash their hands in washrooms. No way would I want someone’s fingers in my newborns mouth.

My first had bronchiolitis as a newborn and I was very careful from then on to avoid ill people around him, same when ds2 was a newborn.

Also no shoes on in the house where baby is crawling and when they were newborns, used to asked people to wash hands or sanitise before holding them.

@CreakingAlong it's good to have a psychiatrist's opinion here and I definitely respect you would know a lot better than I do.

You play pass the parcel with your own family but your oh's family are not allowed, I really feel for your oh.

She's talking shite.

A few relatives held the baby.

You're trying to make sound like she was passed around the whole pub 🙄

Well done OP, its nice to see that the comments have been taken to heart and you will take some advice, many people would just be in denial and reject the comments.

"Am I being unreasonable for not wanting my in laws to hold my baby?!"

Yes you are.

Do you feel like this when your family hold your baby?

Oh bless you OP.

You have not messed up.

But I do agree that your anxiety is too high, especially with a 4mo who has a sibling in nursery - baby is probably exposed to way worse on a daily basis by her!

Good luck getting help - if you are BF sertraline is a godsend - and enjoy Christmas with your 3yo and new baby!

I too am a doctor. A consultant psychiatrist of many years.

This: I was on the verge of tears at this point. We got home and I couldn’t sleep my heart was beating fast and it still is this morning is not a normal reaction to the events in the pub.

Nobody is saying that the fingers in mouth thing is fine. It’s horrid. But the reaction of the OP to the baby ‘sharing breath’ with her aunt is extreme. She is catastrophising and anxious. Possible postnatal anxiety.

Fortunately the OP can see this and is reaching out for help. Hopefully she can be referred to a perinatal MH team for assessment and support. There may be stuff that went on in pg that made the OP anxious, and that needs unpicking by specialists to ensure that she and the baby are ok.

This! Well said. Couldn't agree more 👏 👌

You took your baby out to a pub so you can't be that worried about germs.

Has everybody missed the part where these in laws couldn't give two hoots until recently and OP's first child is 3 but now are all about the baby, for heavens sake stop with the diagnosing of anxiety and pnd. Yes, she's having a bad moment but these people have suddenly come back into her life, she's not comfortable with them to set appropriate boundaries and they've pretty much ignored her first child, naturally she doesn't want them all over her baby.

Lots of things that are part of everyday life don’t need to be done. There’s no harm in a perfectly healthy grandparent or aunt holding a baby and the effect on OP isn’t normal or healthy.

I agree, I hope this passes, op, but if not, please do seek help.
There is nothing wrong with what your sister-in-law did. Your baby is going to come across lots of germs and I would think a pub would be full of them anyway.

Are .. you one of the ones who sued their parents for not asking your permission to be born?

Yeah you are being ridiculous.

She's talking sense. A baby doesn't need to be passed around a room.