I don’t want my in laws to hold my baby, AIBU

Getting ill is a normal part of life, and in fact is essential to build up and maintain your immunity. I hope you seek help for yourself but also for the sake of your kids. Otherwise your kids will pick up on your anxiety and develop mental health issues of their own.

Very well said.

You have totally misunderstood that person's post.

YANBU. I think this feeling is very normal. I was exactly the same. I had a traumatic birth and was highly anxious particularly in the first six months. But it gradually resolved naturally and a big part of that was setting boundaries so that I felt safe. My MIL would also put her fingers in my baby's mouth and didn't support my baby's head properly. I do love her in general but I couldn't cope with it at the time. We explained to her how anxious I was, and she didn't hold the baby again until I was a bit better. But she did sit with baby, play, interact etc. No harm done. New mothers with anxiety need time, patience and for others to put them first. Tiny babies don't get anything out of being passed around. It's an overwhelming time. Now, more than a year on I have no problem with anyone cuddling my little one. She can express whether she likes it or not.

This can be a very sensitive topic OP so please don't beat yourself up. It is totally natural to want to protect your baby, you have all the right instincts to be a great mum. And I would be squeamish about the dirty fingers in baby's mouth too. But I think you should be able to say no fingers please and then tolerate the rest. I wouldn't be happy with anyone kissing a baby on the mouth (or even face actually) so would probably also speak up about that. But general cuddles - no it's good for them, let it happen, but take control of it (i.e. assert yourself) more to help with your worry level.

Could someone who is a big worrier over their baby "catching germs" from someone else tell me what happens when they get sick themselves as a mum? When you start to feel unwell with a cold or you have a sore throat starting, do you avoid your child then because you don't want them to catch it?

Gently yabu. They are excited family and a few germs will help build the immune system.

OP, I agree that your anxiety is a step too far ALTHOUGH I think your DH sounds a bit unhelpful knowing how you feel, he could be more sensitive. Also I would not have been impressed if anyone put their fingers in my child’s mouth?! WTF. Different if the baby is old enough to try and grab their fingers etc.

Them giving your baby a cuddle is fine though.

Well done OP - this is actually a great update. There’s so many threads where nearly everyone tells the OP they are unreasonable but then OP doubles down and desperately tries to convince everyone that they are not being unreasonable.

Recognising your anxiety is disproportionate and that you do need help with it is a really positive first step.

One thought I had is that from the ages of your children it looks like your first child was born during or just after Covid. Could it be that stress associated with being pregnant and having a newborn during the pandemic has led to some kind of delayed reaction where you are feeling overly anxious about your second child now?

I voted 'not unreasonable'.
It was the finger in babies mouth that decided me.
Keep your bloody fingers OUT of the babies mouth.
But rule Number 1, do not kiss my baby on the mouth, it's how most youngsters catch cold sores, which can be a lifelong problem.

I disagree with others and I think it is okay and normal to feel this way. It is instinctual to want to keep your baby safe and close and it depends on your relationship with your jn laws too. I have a difficult in law relationship and found it hard to pass my baby to them, but did not feel this way about my own family. I did know this was my issue though and had to allow them sometimes of course but I also think it's okay to set boundaries around putting hands in mouth, kissing etc. and at this time of year it is anxiety provoking as there is alot of illnesses around. It probably is hormonal changes that make you feel this so intensely but I don't think this has to be pathologised into an anxiety issue. Just be aware that you do have to allow in laws to build a relationship however hard that might feel but keep boundaries where needed.

Eh no, they're an extremely close in law 😂

😂It really isn't. It helps their brain to develop. They learn to recognise different faces, hear different voices talking to them, different accents, different tones. That peope smell differently. Use different vocabulary. It is a TOTALLY normal part of a baby's social developement and you're being unfair to them to not allow that to happen at such a crucial stage.

I never said that, I'll let you on now 😂

You are being very silly....relax and enjoy someone else taking care of your baby for a while!

There's a lot more to it than that. Babies are often passed around and there's no need for it especially if the mother is not comfortable with it.
I would argue it's perfectly normal to not want your baby to be held by people who have made no effort with your older child.

Glad you are going to ask for support from your GP, I would speak to your health visitor too. Well done for acknowledging it, this is worth trying to get on top of. You cannot be enjoying your children when you are on high alert all the time. Sending best wishes & supportive hugs across the internet.

Well done OP on recognising the issue and seeking help.

I for one think it's bizarre and mean that some women have a my family/ his family rule. A baby is entitled to a granny cuddle from either side! To deprive a grandparent of snuggle time with their little grandchild is particularly cruel.

You need therapy for your germ phobia. You are adversely affecting your baby - s/he will pick up on your irrational behaviour before too long and it will affect him/her.

Well I disagree with the whole "4th trimester" business, which really wasn't a thing 18 or 20 years ago, it just seems to have become a trend along with "babymoons" and gender reveal parties.

But I actually can't understand why you would allow someone you actively dislike and think are horrible to hold your baby? Why are you even in their company? I get that sometimes you may be at the same family parties or something but you can sit well away from them, surely?

I can't imagine what you or any other poster thinks your doctor will do?

It's not for us to imagine.

It's for the doctor to decide.

Assuming DD1 is out and about at nursery or playgroups, and you are letting her interact with the baby, your aversion to your IL's holding the baby seems more of a relationship issue than a germ issue. At 3/4 months DD2 needs to be starting to build her own immune responses, which means letting her get exposure to all and sundry.

I can't imagine what you or any other poster thinks your doctor will do? Tell you to pull yourself together, that's if you even get an appointment? I very much doubt they'll do a referral based on what you've said. But by all means talk it through if you need to, of course. Are you like this with everything, or just this specific set of circumstances? How the AF is it ok to shove your fingers in the mouth of someone else's baby? I'd have snatched baby back and said "urrgghh that's DISGUSTING". I think its more an issue around you not feeling able to set boundaries - you just went home (dont blame you) but that means they'll think its fine to do it again. I know the feeling of being a new mum and feeling so worried about a great many things. I don't think you were BU at all. But the issue is how to address it going forward - maybe in being more confident, or accepting a level of germs etc. But there is no way you should just accept someone's fingers in your baby's mouth.

You haven't ruined anything. You and your baby will be fine - better once you get the help you need. The hardest part is acknowledging that you need help, so well done x

You took a baby to a pub - hardly the most hygienic of places!