I don’t want my in laws to hold my baby, AIBU

Way OTT

Do you have a baby carrier, I’d try and keep her in me on the baby carrier next time.

I’m with you, OP. No need this pass a 4 month old baby around during peak winter bugs season (and just before Xmas too). At this age, baby could easily end up in a hospital if it catches RSV or similar, and people are often contagious before they have symptoms.

There was a poster above who said someone was making up guidance re kissing babies.

The advice also mentions washing hands before touching a baby which I’m guessing didn’t happen (I find this app glitchy and don’t want to go back to check) and contributes to OP’s anxiety regarding putting fingers in the baby’s mouth.

Again, people can think this is OTT and not apply it to their own lives, but I think it’s unfair to think OP is being unreasonable when it sounds like what she wants is in line with medical guidance.

You do come across as a tad anxious but there are a shitload of respiratory illnesses going about so ita a no to kissing/breathing on babies.
The fingers thing, nooooooo
Just relax a bit x

I hope you are receiving help from a mental health professional. The anxiety you describe is certainly debilitating.

OP read this:

https://www.theguardian.com/science/2018/dec/30/children-leukaemia-mel-greaves-microbes-protection-against-disease

Essentially, exposure to microbes can be beneficial to a baby under one, giving them a boost to the immune system.

“For an immune system to work properly, it needs to be confronted by an infection in the first year of life,”

And then he goes on to link an immune system that is primed to changes to his or her susceptibility to leukaemia.

So exposing your child to others is a good thing! Obviously we don't want to expose a newborn to colds. But ideally you want that exposure in the first year.

Yep, you have a problem with anxiety as none of what you have explained should provoke the reaction it has. That’s fine but you need professional assistance to ‘assist you’ out of it.

It sounds like you have ocd. Your obsessed about germs and take your baby to the pub.

No one is suggesting that ill people should kiss a baby or visit. In fact people with infection shouldn't do that to adults. But holding a baby when perfectly well isn't an issue.

Re medical advice and kissing babies I just googled very briefly and found that The Lullaby Trust advises:

"1. Wash your hands before you touch a baby

1. Do not kiss a baby unless you are their parent or main carer - even then do not do this when you are unwell

1. Do not visit a baby if you are ill , have recently been ill, or have an infection"

Posters are of course welcome to think this advice is ridiculous, but this is the current advice in UK

Your baby isn't a tiny vulnerable newborn, you'd had her in a pub with extended family.

I think YABU and that your DH has every right to allow his family to hold his child as much as you do with your own family.

This idea of "sharing breath" is quite bizarre truthfully, and it might be worth speaking to your HV about some additional support if this is something you routinely feel anxious about.

Should have also said, it's not your fault you're anxious. It's an illness and it's treatable. Get help, and don't beat yourself up over it.

That is current medical advice because of the danger of cold sores

The doctor used those words, I was paraphrasing

I agree with the doctor

You are suffering from anxiety and it's clouding your thought processes. Apart from anything else you are on danger if passing those anxieties onto your children. They may well think that the way you behave is completely normal and not be able to cope when they go to nursery or school. How will you feel about messy play or just kids getting muddy?
And try to remember that all children need to build up immunity to illness, wrapping them in cotton wool is not helping them.

Sharing breath sounds too ill. The woman has a right to breathe and even kiss a baby on the cheek. She is his/her blood relative

Current medical advise is you don't let people kiss your baby, even grandparents.

No it isn’t. You’re making this up to assuage your own obsession over germs and illnesses.

Children need to catch bugs in the early years in order to build up their immune system. That’s a well established theory.

Were you always anxious over every minor illness when your own children were babies or is this a new thing?

My ex MIL kissed my newborn with a cold sore but it was because she used the other side of her face apparently

Although I agree it’s sensible to be careful about young babies catching things. I do think OP’s reaction to it is concerning in terms of her wellbeing. I’d be very annoyed if someone put their fingers in my babies mouth or let them put their fingers in theirs.
I hope you manage to get some help from the GP OP because it must be horrible to feel so anxious all the time.

Also have been living in aupair and nanny here to kids and babies never met before. All of them grown up now and parents and kids still love me;

in the aupair world you come as you are from abroad and handed kids and babies all ages and expected to behave like a mum or a sister, doing it all.

I couldn't read beyond halfway. You really do have extreme levels of anxiety. Talk to your GP, get some help, and hopefully you'll be able to enjoy normal group situations in future.
And FWIW, your baby will benefit hugely from being passed around loving family members and being a cherished part of an extended family. Those benefits outweigh the odd sniffle.

I would be very happy to hold my brothers babies. I live in another country so this was never possible. I babysat the older one when he is 2 and never met him before. The boy was fine with me for few hours. Did not die or got ill after I handed him back to his dad. What the heck

I’m sure you’re doing a fantastic job but I forgot to add, separate to the issue regarding DH’s family members breathing in baby’s face and putting their hands in her mouth (which I agree with you about)…
if you are feeling generally tearful, sad and anxious post-partum, I do think it would be good idea to speak to your GP to get some help and get referred for your anxiety as talking to a professional often helps address these issues. You can also contact IAPT (talking therapies) directly in your area and self-refer. Just google “IAPT/ talking therapies near me”. There will be a contact number and a quick form to fill out online and you can choose either phone or face to face therapy. Hope this helps.