I don’t want my in laws to hold my baby, AIBU

I think you are feeling very fragile post birth and its good that you are seeing your GP.
Knowing your anxiety, your DH could have been more helpful, instead of forcing the situation.
I remember bringing my new baby into work (a long time ago now) and my boss put the baby's dummy in his mouth to get a laugh ( he'd had cold sores in the past) and then tried to put it back in the baby's mouth. So I do understand how you feel.

Your family seem to understand and respect your boundaries, but it seems you feel very uncomfortable with DH's family it probably didn't happen overnight so it may help you to work out why you feel like that and ways to deal with it.
If you do get some GP help, they may give you some help with navigating these situations and being able to speak up without worrying that it's going to cause a drama. That may help with the anxiety. Being a mum does make you naturally more assertive as you advocate for your children, so you will get there.

Is there anyone else in DH family that you do feel you trust a bit more?.. Could you talk to them and ask them to help, by holding the baby for you if you need to go to the loo, but understanding that you don't want people slobbering all over the baby or sticking their blooming fingers in its mouth? That's not actually that much to ask really. They might respond well to being asked for help if you ask in the right way.

You have had some tough comments on here but you feel what you feel. You've acknowledged it and now you can work out how to deal with it and what help you need. It can be a lot, dealing with a small baby and a toddler and it takes a bit of getting used to whilst you all get into your routines but you will get there.

These are early (often sleepless days) and it affects everyone differently.
In the meantime, lean on your family, they sound great. Perhaps your mum will have some words of advice. It won't always feel like this, you will feel more confident with a bit of positive encouragement (hello DH!!!) rather than guilt tripping.
Dont worry about all the prophecies of what might happen 3 years ahead if you don't "fix" yourself. Just take things one day at a time. etc.. your toddler will be helping to boost baby's immunity naturally anyway. You won't always be around loads of relatives after Christmas and you can take things at your own pace, as you grow more comfortable. It will be OK!

If your hair is falling out, that sounds like you are run down and so you might want a blood test for vitamin deficiency post preg and some advice on that. Be KIND to yourself, your priority at the moment is your small family and that means looking after yourself first too.

The only thing I'd be worried about would be the fingers in the mouth.

I think a lot of people have become more anxious about germs etc since Covid and it is understandable with a young baby. But good that you can recognise when you are being a bit over the top panicky.

Good luck.

If you feel such stress about it, plan something else for you and your kids (or just you and baby) and don't attend the family gatherings going forward. It will be easier for you to deal with when just visiting paternal grandparents on their own or whatever. Don't let your feelings be invalidated - I don't like people playing 'pass the baby with my baby either' she's a baby and a human being, not a source of entertainment/performing circus animal.

Hi OP, it sounds like you are suffering from anxiety about germs and your baby's health. I understand this can feel scary and overheating (having suffered with health anxiety for periods of my life.) I would really reccomend some CBT therapy- it really did help me and make a world of difference! X

No, I didn't think about myself. Though I agree it was an unhelpful comment it was my initial reaction to the situation. If I'd thought about it I would have recommended therapy.

Interesting that your AIBU is about you not wanting in laws to hold your baby, but I guess your own family is fine 🙄

Why post something so unhelpful to some one clearly struggling with anxiety?

Did that comment make you feel good about yourself?

Your anxiety is likely to adversely affect your children as they grow older. There is an epidemic of anxiety disorders amongst children and teens now, and much of it stems from anxious parents. It doesn't come out of nowhere. Please get it looked at, for your whole family's sake. It's a lot easier to heal a broken bone than an anxiety disorder, as my favourite clinical psychologist says. You're clearly intelligent and articulate, and that means you can more easily rationalise your behaviour as a response to the threat of germs etc. But if you try to quantify the threat to your child of being held by grandma, say, or chomping on grandpa's finger, it would be vanishingly small. The potential benefit to your children of growing up spending relaxed time with their relatives who love them is huge. Your husband's family will be more able to easily love your children if they can freely spend time with them in their own way. Have a look at this, and good luck. It's not easy getting past this stuff, when we justify it to ourselves.
www.drpsychmom.com/is-your-anxiety-hurting-your-child/

I think advice like this is unhelpful and feeds into people’s anxiety. Babies have been cuddled and kissed since year dot.

it IS current medical advice - https://www.lullabytrust.org.uk/over-half-of-uk-parents-unaware-of-risk-kissing-poses-to-newborns/

T-H-A-N-K-S guidelines; Think Hands And No KisseS. This includes three simple steps:

1. Wash your hands before you touch a baby.
2. Do not kiss a baby unless you are their parent or main carer – and even then, avoid kissing if you have an infection or are unwell.
3. Do not visit a baby if you are ill, have recently been ill or have an infection. This includes colds, active cold sores as well as diarrhea and vomiting illnesses.

Germs are not helpful to small babies!! They don't need adults breathing into their face and pushing adult dirty fingers in

Well done, OP. Admitting you have a problem is so hard- I didn't comment earlier because I didn't disagree with what had already been said, and there was no need to pile on.

I love your first paragraph , you're absolutely right.

The bit about medical advice - do you mean this medical advice CAUSES anxiety in people or that it's ignoring that people can become overly obsessive/anxious ? I'm not being goady, I found your post really interesting. Mental health support in the UK is definitely crap.

The fingers in the mouth is a bit grim but the rest....you should go to your GP for some help.

Anxiety is about being wrong - indeed it is often something right that people are anxious about. It is when something right or normal to be concerned or protect from (such as this here and germs) becomes overwhelming so that rather than being able to make logical and rational decisions about what/when/who to avoid to becoming ill or when to keep children off it becomes all consuming and irrational

and it is clear it is a massive trigger causing the OP to become highly anxious and no longer rational And shouldn’t be fed into

the medical advice speaks volumes about the state of our mental health support

Think there is a difference between infants and children.

I’ve seen several posts allover SM this season from doctors reiterating not allowing family members to kiss babies’ faces even more so the unwell, ensure they wash your hands before holding baby because their immune systems are still fairly new.

It is still something that was advised with all my children when they were infants and my oldest is ten.

Definitely be taking my infant off someone who had their hand in the baby’s mouth, family or not. That’s just gross.

It's a good idea not to take our word when we say we went to medical school - we could be lying.

Instead, google what the UK medical advice is regarding kissing babies, washing hands before touching other people's babies etc.

You do not need to agree with it or follow it. I don't follow all medical advice myself (hence why I've stuffed my face with ultra processed cookies this afternoon)

You are being so unreasonable. You should get some help for your anxiety.

ETA: Well done, OP. You'll feel so much better when you can get your anxiety under control. I've been there.

Again with the 'doctors'?

All of us are random, anonymous users so you should never let other people's professional claims hold any weight.

Just read the actual posts for what they are, and not for what the posters claim to be.

I can fully understand you not wanting someone to put their fingers in her mouth..that is gross and she shouldn't have done that.

Haven’t read the full thread but 2 doctors so far have agreed with the OP. Myself included. So no we don’t think she’s wrong.

It's 'our baby', not 'my baby'. Your DH and his relatives are just as much part of the baby's life and world as you and yours.

Well done on your decision to seek help. Pregnancy and childbirth can batter women's mental health.

Take some control by getting a sling for the baby so people can't just take and pass. Take to the loo with you, rather than leaving them with a passer.

Keep your messaging clear and confident - no kissing, no fingers in mouth etc. But have a sense of proportion and get advice while at your doctor's appointment re what is and is not a reasonable hygiene requirement.

There was an article in The Sunday Times this week about how we’re making our children ill by not exposing them to germs. Sorry I can’t link it but you can probably find the evidence on line. You are literally harming your children by not allowing them wider exposure.

Have you sought treatment for anxiety in the past?