Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don’t want my in laws to hold my baby, AIBU

360 replies

QuestioningThings1 · 23/12/2024 10:48

We met DHs family at the pub yesterday for Christmas drinks. I passed our 4month old over to DH while I took DD1 to the toilet, when I came back DD2 was being held by SIL. She had my baby right in front of her face so they weren’t kissing but sharing breath and I could have cried on the spot. I didn’t want to make a scene because no one was unwell and baby was happy but DH knows how I feel about germs. I’ve been extra paranoid lately as everyone is getting the flu and saying it’s the worst they’ve ever had it they’ve been bed bound etc. Then we get baby back and then DH is stood up with baby asking others if they want to hold her. MIL had her next at which point baby started crying, thank god I thought while saying I’ll take her back now thank you and I kept hold of her until we went. But again she was very close to her face. I had her on my knee in conversation with DH while his auntie spoke to baby and then when I looked she had her fingers in my babies mouth!! I quickly moved her away and said oh she’s teething and took her away at which point I said to DH I want to go home now. We’d been there 2 hours anyway and I was on the verge of tears at this point. We got home and I couldn’t sleep my heart was beating fast and it still is this morning. I feel so so guilty about not being able to say in front of everyone I don’t want my baby being passed round or not being able to say what the fuck are you doing putting your dirty hands in my babies mouth. I get DH just wants his family to bond with our kids but up until 6 months ago they have not been arsed with our kids and DD1 is 3. We see them for an hour once every 3 weeks. I fell out with DH as soon as we got home because I was so stressed and anxious and he knows how I feel about playing pass the parcel with the baby and I was stressed about the hands in the mouth thing so I guess I took that out on him as well even though that was my fault for not watching.

He said I do it with my family (play pass the parcel) but I don’t. If I need a wee or need to sort DD1 out I say to my family can you hold her while I do x, y or z. Both of my sister have just had babies and if I want a cuddle we will swap. I never walk into a room and say who wants a hold, I will always try and keep her with me when I can because I’m mum and I want her with me. Also with my family I can and do tell them often. ‘Don’t get too close to her face when you’re holding her’, ‘I can smell smoke on you so no sorry’ ‘Don’t kiss her thanks’ ‘Don’t put your hands in her mouth’. I have a very close relationship with my mum and sisters and they know my boundaries and I’m very comfortable to remind them if they forget. I don’t have that same relationship with my in laws, neither does DH. We have a lot of history of them not respecting boundaries and talking behind our backs because we’ve set boundaries and the last time we met up my FIL was coughing into his hands then holding my babies hand. My baby sucks her thumb so I had to take her to the toilets and wash her tiny hands and got upset after just in case anything passed. But again nothing was said to him, my fault again. I know if I say something it will probably jeopardise DHs relationship with his family and they’ve only just started making half an effort with him again.

I don’t know whether I’m just really hormonal still because my body feels like it’s going through a lot at this stage my skin has gone bad my hair is falling out but I don’t trust his family or feel comfortable when they hold my baby.

Am I being unreasonable for not wanting my in laws to hold my baby?!

If they asked to have a hold I think I’d feel differently but It’s always DH asking them

OP posts:
PenisWine · 23/12/2024 11:24

It sounds like you desperately need to find a therapist to explore your anxiety, as it seems to be developing into OCD.

Aside from the hands in the mouth, nobody else was doing anything wrong and your reactions are very worrying.

ThatFluentTiger · 23/12/2024 11:24

Get some help OP, yes I’m sorry none of this is within the bounds of normal, and it needs addressing because your children will pick up on it and become the same.

CountFucula · 23/12/2024 11:23

I think you might need some support - this is way beyond being a bit precious. Your baby needs some microbes! Your husbands family are HER family too. You must get some help with this as it will ruin your enjoyment - crying because other people held her!?! It’s not normal to feel so anxious.

Stillherestillpraying · 23/12/2024 11:22

As all these PP have said, you are the one with the issue, not your IL. Crying and tantruming over someone else holding your baby and being a germaphobe is totally unhealthy. Get some help before it affects your marriage and your child’s wellbeing.

Pickled21 · 23/12/2024 11:22

You need help for your anxiety. At this moment in time you are pushing one side of your child's family away and that isn't fair. Your child is with you all the time so it shouldn't be that much of a struggle to see other people holding him or her for a short time once every 3 weeks!

The only issue I do understand is feeling disgust or uncomfortable with someone putting their fingers in your child's mouth. There I think you absolutely behaved appropriately and I would have done the same.

Fundays12 · 23/12/2024 11:21

It sounds OTT outwith the fingers in babies mouth which is gross. I don't really like the whole pass the baby like a parcel around but I think your being unreasonable. It's there granny and aunty.

cansu · 23/12/2024 11:21

You sound very hard work. Yes you are being unreasonable.

GCAcademic · 23/12/2024 11:20

The sheer level of disgust with which you describe your in-laws is disturbuing and dehumanising. They are your children's family not a pack of rats.

Offcom · 23/12/2024 11:20

You’re being unreasonable because you can’t rationalise away your incredibly strong instinct to keep your beautiful little baby safe and secure – so you’re also NOT being unreasonable?

Rather than suggesting they’re all germy walking Petrie dishes could you say that you’re feeling particularly anxious about bugs this winter? Some will dismiss you with the ever unhelpful advice to “just relax!” but it might help others to understand how you’re feeling and be more supportive.

Resilienceisimportant · 23/12/2024 11:19

GivingYourHeadAWobble · 23/12/2024 11:13

I don’t know whether I’m just really hormonal still

No, I think this is way more than that and perhaps a trip to your GP is in order?

The baby's 4 months old, not 4 days.

Fingers in the mouth is a no-no but other than that it's way OTT I'm afraid.

Wait until the baby starts crawling and put it’s hand on the ground and then fingers in it’s mouth.

aCatCalledFawkes · 23/12/2024 11:19

I have a 5 month old niece and I would be very upset if my SIL told me I couldn't hold her, I think the baby cuddles are the best bit of having a new niece so far!

You need to get some help, children pick up germs everywhere and it's not a normal reaction to start banning family members from holding her because you are upset about what the might give her. And kindly, you have her most of the time, I don't think it's healthy to suggest she shouldn't leave you and form bonds with other people.

ArchMemory · 23/12/2024 11:18

Ughn0tryte · 23/12/2024 11:12

It's very odd how they waited until you had left your baby unattended/with DH to pounce on them.
It's not their baby, you decide what works for you. Your DH should be protecting the space of you and baby. Not advocating for others regardless of who they are.
You are doing what feels natural. It's very healthy. It's just not common. Suggest a no-one to hold the baby rule until the baby can talk. Then the baby can say if they want to be held.

I imagine the DH waited until the OP was out of the room before letting his parents cuddle the baby because he had every reason to anticipate her negative reaction when she saw.

And are you kidding about waiting until the baby can ask to be held?

OP - there are risks to germs of course. But there are also risks to behaving the way you are and denying your baby the chance to be held by different people, and learn to interact and socialise with different people.

Resilienceisimportant · 23/12/2024 11:18

GivingYourHeadAWobble · 23/12/2024 11:15

It's very odd how they waited until you had left your baby unattended/with DH to pounce on them.

Nobody 'pounced' on anyone, that sort of hyperbole is just feeding the OP's paranoia.

It's not odd at all. The baby's father had to wait until she was out of the way, to offer his family a hold of his own baby, because presumably he knows his own wife.

Show quote history

Totally. I get really tired of the over huge language to make a point. God forbid he wants to hold his grandchild.

Pounce? Give over..

Cherrysherbet · 23/12/2024 11:17

Seek help op. This is not reasonable behaviour.

Resilienceisimportant · 23/12/2024 11:16

Ilikewinter · 23/12/2024 10:55

Wow, just reading your post has made me stressed and anxious. I would say your level of anxiety is not normal, probably compounded by the fact you don't like any of your in laws

100% this. Bear in mind that exposing baby to some illness is good for their immune system (I’m not saying try to but it won’t hurt them).

Your reaction OP is exceptionally over the top and big. You level of anxiety isn’t normal and not wanting family to hold you baby, feeling affected for hours and crying is a huge catastrophic reaction. I seriously think you need to take a breath and get some fresh perspective.

You are absolutely being unreasonable. I would say your in-laws had children and they are all alive, healthy and fine.

Orphlids · 23/12/2024 11:16

I would rather my child caught a nasty cold from an aunt than inherited this crippling anxiety which you will almost certainly pass on unless you seek help.

GivingYourHeadAWobble · 23/12/2024 11:15

Ughn0tryte · 23/12/2024 11:12

It's very odd how they waited until you had left your baby unattended/with DH to pounce on them.
It's not their baby, you decide what works for you. Your DH should be protecting the space of you and baby. Not advocating for others regardless of who they are.
You are doing what feels natural. It's very healthy. It's just not common. Suggest a no-one to hold the baby rule until the baby can talk. Then the baby can say if they want to be held.

It's very odd how they waited until you had left your baby unattended/with DH to pounce on them.

Nobody 'pounced' on anyone, that sort of hyperbole is just feeding the OP's paranoia.

It's not odd at all. The baby's father had to wait until she was out of the way, to offer his family a hold of his own baby, because presumably he knows his own wife.

NINP · 23/12/2024 11:15

You need to expose your baby to the world around her. I don’t think you’ve got a reasonable perspective on this.

Parky04 · 23/12/2024 11:14

You need help, OP. Your behaviour is not normal.

Vaxtable · 23/12/2024 11:14

I don’t normally say this, but you need to grow up. You sound unbearable, your family can hold the baby but your husbands can’t! The issue with germs is your problem to deal with, it won’t harm the baby, seek help if you need to

There are two families her and both should have equal opportunity

GivingYourHeadAWobble · 23/12/2024 11:13

I don’t know whether I’m just really hormonal still

No, I think this is way more than that and perhaps a trip to your GP is in order?

The baby's 4 months old, not 4 days.

Fingers in the mouth is a no-no but other than that it's way OTT I'm afraid.

TheEllisGreyMethod · 23/12/2024 11:13

This is an immense level of anxiety and not justified. Please seek help

biscuitsandbooks · 23/12/2024 11:12

You need to make an appointment with your doctor and get some help for your anxiety - your feelings aren't norma or healthy, and you risk causing permanent damage with your in-laws if you carry on the way you are.

Ughn0tryte · 23/12/2024 11:12

It's very odd how they waited until you had left your baby unattended/with DH to pounce on them.
It's not their baby, you decide what works for you. Your DH should be protecting the space of you and baby. Not advocating for others regardless of who they are.
You are doing what feels natural. It's very healthy. It's just not common. Suggest a no-one to hold the baby rule until the baby can talk. Then the baby can say if they want to be held.

YellowRoom · 23/12/2024 11:12

Sounds like these people overstep boundaries and you're understandably uncomfortable with this. You should be able to state your needs without worrying about damaging your DH/in-law's relationship. I'd maybe seperate the in-law issue out from the hygiene issue

Sticking fingers in your baby's mouth isn't great, but realistically, babies come in to contact with allsorts. They spend time on the floor, putting grubby toys in their mouth, licking random stuff, being touched by other germy babies... You can't control this. And if it's not your in-laws it will be someone else.