I don’t want my in laws to hold my baby, AIBU

I think you are / are not being unreasonable.
I’ve just had a baby, 3 MO. I would let most people in family hold. It is ultimately up to you but I think if no one was ill and a few family members held baby then it’s perfectly fine; i do think you’re being slightly dramatic. No one is going to drop dead.

however; I would absolutely lose my mind if someone put their hands in my babies mouth. Who the f thinks that’s ok. You should go and stick your fingers in her mouth.

Sorry, but you're being exceptionally unreasonable.
Of course they should be holding her, unless they are ill or have been smoking.

The finger sucking is wrong. You need to tell them, as many people see no issue with it, but iys gross. That's not a rude thing to say please don't do.
Same with getting up in her face or kissing.

I will echo the others and you really need to try and nip this anxiety in the bud as it won't serve you well as your DCs get older and pick up illness/get rashes etc.
It's good for DC to get exposed to 'germs' let's say as this is how they build their immunity - yes it's unpleasant when they get a cold - but you can't stop this from happening. Does your 3 yr old go to nursery? Touch the baby, etc? No-one in that party was ill were they? If they were then yes, maybe you have a point but 'swapping breath' or even fingers in mouth is not really a massive issue.

If it's purely problem with not wanting the PILs to touch the baby because you don't like them, that's totally different, but they are entitled to see their new relative as well.

Edited to say I didn't read all your replies and it's good you are going to seek help.

I completely understand but I do think you are overreacting. Apart from the fingers in her mouth that’s gross and I’d have just said that’s disgusting do not put your fingers in her mouth.

Do you think you could have postpartum depression/anxiety? My daughter is 2 and I’m still suffering. Therapy has helped manage it a bit.

Yabvu and actually making your baby more vulnerable by not letting her be held by family.

I think that sounds very sensible. And a HUGE well done for taking advice onboard (also sensible to step away from the thread because they always become bun fights).

Outline to your Dr or HV exactly what you have said here - both posts because the second one highlights that although you are finding ways to mask your anxiety you have had it for a long time (it wouldn’t even occur to most people to check if everyone was well before a routine meet up for a toddler play date).

There is loads of help available and you will feel so much better when you get this addressed.

I am one of those posters that flamed you b it this response makes me respect you. You realise you have a problem that goes beyond ‘having too much time on your hands’ and you need help - which you are seeking. Good for you and good luck. Engage with whatever they tell you!

Until her husband decides he'd quite like his own family to hold his own baby.

Op you need to research micro biome. It is good for your baby to have some contact with environment- too clean is very bad. People actually have lower rates of asthma if they grow up around dogs, for example. Thumb sucking is natural - it introduces tiny amounts of your environment to your child’s gut.

Obviously people smoking, or a big dirty pub, or people with bad coughs and colds, aren’t great when baby is tiny, but in the end your baby is worse off if you are overprotective.

Theres a happy medium to find here

It sounds as if you are intertwining two issues. The first is that you clearly anxious about germs and that needs to be I think dealt with by going to the doctors - your 3 year old will start school go on play dates etc and will come up against viruses - are they at preschool yet. Because it is clear this level is hindering your day to day life

outside of that you clearly have some Inlaw issues with not respecting your boundaries

YABVU to not want them to hold the baby when they are her loving relatives. Don't you want them to show her love and affection? She's 4 months, not 4 hours old!

YANBU about the fingers it the mouth. I'd just tell them straight on that one "I'd prefer it if you didn't put your fingers in her mouth, please."

You sound very tense and stressed, by the way, do you think you may have a touch of PND? It's not normal for your heart to still be racing thinking about something like that.

Well done OP for taking advice on board. Best of luck going forward.

And to add when I come from a family (on both sides) that was basically one big ashtray - I was a healthy child and so far a healthy adult - I wouldn't have my own kids around smokers now but am not that naive @Cakeandcardio to actually to believe every interaction my child has especially in a family setting can be that controlled

The only thing that is going to harm your children is your mental health. Make it a priority for 2025 to get that under control

if you are worried about germs pubs are not a good place to go to be honest, babies are more robust than you think to be honest.
but i agree with other posters I think you should talk to your GP or health visitor

OP - if you’re on Mat leave from an employer, often your employer has an EAP (Employer Assistance Program) which may get you some support a bit quicker.

On the one hand, you’re absolutely right to protect your baby and there are so many germs going round this time of year. The problem with really young babies getting sick is the invasiveness of the tests that hospitals have to perform to determine the cause.

Also, it is true a lot of the generation before us weren’t educated on these matters. Similarly, we are probably now (in a post covid world) hyper-aware of some of these risks to our own detriment.

I think you need to be pragmatic with your approach, that being said. No kissing, no skanky fingers in babies mouth. Fine. But cuddles from healthy adults in the family is probably very low risk, and also beneficial for baby and you. If you have the kind of relationship with MIL where you can share your challenges openly then do. She is likely keen to be involved in babies life and can help support you. It takes a village to raise children and she may have experienced similar stresses when she had newborns.

It’s fine to say no kissing hands or face and no fingers in mouth but it’s unreasonable not to allow them to hold her for no good reason.

This is a you thing, not a your baby thing and I hope you can successfully reduce your anxiety. Your baby will be crawling before you know and getting everywhere.

I'm glad you started the thread OP, and that you're taking the advice on board.

Please don't feel bad, you haven't ruined everything (that's the anxiety talking again). The important thing is that you've recognised that you need some help with this, and you're willing to see your GP. Tell them everything you've told us and be open to their suggestions.

Good luck OP and have a lovely Christmas.

If you don't have a sling, invest in one. They are brilliant for keeping little one snuggled up with you and prevent the pass the parcel game with babies.

Sorry but she clearly is presenting with anxiety and your post is just feeding the beast. We get told to do all kinds of things with our babies to keep them safe especially when they are v small but what OP has said in her next post about asking if people are well before she attends things ... that's health anxiety at least if not bordering on OCD. Reality is we do not live isolated and at some point a child will get sick despite all efforts to stop that - im in my early 40s so it's not an age thing at all and it is massively insulting to suggest - how on earth did your parents and grandparents manage to raise they kids???

4 months old or 4 days or 4 weeks.

You were in a pub !

you need to speak to someone asap, maybe start with your GP.

sadly you seem to have 2 rules - one for your sisters and one for his family

but why don't you use your words - ‘Don’t get too close to her face when you’re holding her’, ‘I can smell smoke on you so no sorry’ ‘Don’t kiss her thanks’ ‘Don’t put your hands in her mouth’. with his family ?!!!

I remember my friends boyfriend wouldn't shake my hand when we first met because of germs. I instantly felt so uncomfortable and embarrassed. I was in his home. If he had any cop on, he could have shook my hand and privately excused himself to wash his hands a minute later. It was so, so rude.
I cringe when I think of this. I felt like he saw me like a piece of dirt.

I think your behaviour is not fair on your husband or your baby.

Good for you op. I hope it goes well x

Yes, but it's also her husband's baby. And he can allow his family to hold the child.

Rubbish.

It's as much her husband's baby as it is the OPs.

And he wanted his family to hold his baby.

It's a shame he had to wait until the OP was out of the way, but she's made it obvious why.