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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think that your choice of life partner can be one of the biggest decisions you ever make?

56 replies

internallyrebellious · 23/12/2024 10:07

I'm on a long journey today and so am a bit bored and trying to pass the time! 😂

Was just musing on my previous relationships. With very few exceptions, they were train wrecks, and most were actively abusive (although I didn't realise it at the time).

Aibu to think that the life partners we choose have a massive impact on your life, arguably more so than anything else? This is the person you are (usually) the most physically and emotionally intimate with, the person who shares your living space and you spend the most time with. The person you make important life decisions with. If that person is a negative influence it can cause you life long issues. I honestly can't think of any other individual person or incident which has shaped my entire life and personality like my previous partners, not even my parents. Obviously my parents taught me a lot of general life lessons and have had a massive impact on my life in terms of shaping the person I am now but let me give some examples:

Life long phobia of having any sort of covering over my mouth after an abusive ex beat me and held my face against a carpet. I definitely didn't have this before him.

Extremely independent and career/money driven mindset after having a cocklodging ex who financially abused me. Before him I wanted to be a SAHM and my own Mom would have also, if she had the option. Left me with massive debts and CCJ's which destroyed my credit rating and any hope of ever owning a property.

Body dysmorphia/disordered eating after having an emotionally abusive ex who told me he would only marry me if I lost 2 stone and regularly told me all the things he would prefer to change about my body. Made pig noises at me as I ate.

I realise that it was my own choice to pick these horrible people and stay with them, but aibu to really genuinely believe that if I hadn't met them and allowed them to treat me so badly then my life could look totally different. Unfortunately it's so easy to end up in a negative cycle/pattern with relationships too so one bad experience can drive you to have more bad experiences and so it continues.

Aibu to think that teaching our children how to pick a good partner is so so important for this reason? My parents are largely wonderful but they gave me very little direction in this area and I think it shows, I'm determined not to repeat the same mistakes with my dc!

OP posts:
Original poster
internallyrebellious · 23/12/2024 10:35

@Ponoka7 agree with that!

Hormones have a huge part to play, no doubt about it. I probably wouldn't have listened to my parents if they told me that my bf was no good as you think you know everything at that age.

But I had never been taught that that isn't what relationships should be like, that the only acceptable amount of abuse in a relationship is zero and that sometimes when someone says they love you, their actions don't match. I was bullied in school, and was generally quiet, shy and unremarkable, so when this person came into my life and said he loved me, told me I was special etc I fully fell for it. If I'd been confident in myself enough to tell him where to go the first time he disrespected me, I'd have been much better off. I wish I'd been taught what red flags to look out for.

@ConfusedNoMore I think counselling would have been very beneficial for me after the first bad ex. Don't get me wrong, I might not have made perfect choices going forward, but I would have been better equipped to know when I was being preyed upon by arseholes and recognise when to get rid.

@Leafy74 true, but in my case the 'exciting bad boy' was never a thing - I met and married very young and he was super boring, basically just stayed in on the computer all the time. Trouble is he also had a violent side and bled me dry because he refused to get a job. So I became too scared to confront him and once his true colours came out I was deep in the sunk costs fallacy. I wish I'd been taught that no partner is better than a bad partner, I might have gotten out years earlier than I did. I did eventually figure it out but it took me a long time.

OP posts:
ConfusedNoMore · 23/12/2024 10:34

@Leafy74 nope, don't relate to that pov at all.

Some of us are unlucky to wind up with men who present as a different version of themselves to reel us in and gradually let the mask slip and gaslight and abuse us.

The best thing we can give our kids as protection is a good model of what relationships look like, love in spades and help to build self esteem.

EmptyBowl · 23/12/2024 10:32

Honestly, OP, your pattern of picking extremely abusive men makes me wonder about your childhood. Anyone can be unlucky with one bad relationship, but the fact that you kept choosing abusive men suggests some negative script you learned in childhood.

Leafy74 · 23/12/2024 10:27

I think that very often the qualities that make a man very appealing as a boyfriend don't necessarily make him a good bet as a husband and a father.
So much of being a good husband and father relates to routine and picking things off the floor. Men who are spontaneous and lively don't always do so well with this.

I think in their 20s lots of women walk straight past decent men and into the arms of good-looking dickheads. 10 years later the good men are busy being good husbands and fathers and the women who walked Straight past them are struggling to get their life back on track.

ConfusedNoMore · 23/12/2024 10:19

You're absolutely right.

I would also add not just partner...more importantly the person you have a child with. My child is autistic due to this father. Ds is a delight but very rigid. Even without the court order, I'm stuck in this flipping town until he grows up and even then I don't know if he'll leave. I long to go home back to where I am from. I hate the thought of growing old here.

The mental and emotional and financial abuse from my ex has contributed to chronic illness and earning potential. I fight against the unhelpful thoughts that this isn't the life I should have had.

Anyway, as I say, none too cheerful to think about! Happy Christmas 🎄 😁

A good friend of mine always thinks we should have counselling when we're young so we don't make bad life choices.

Ponoka7 · 23/12/2024 10:16

I'm nearly 60, unfortunately you can't teach them. I put a lot down to baby making hormones. I think we suddenly see most men for what they are, post menopause, because we've had a shift in hormones. We can only teach that being single is fine. Marriage doesn't work for everyone and relationships shouldn't be hard (like SM says). We should talk about what abuse looks like and the equality of the sexes. Also raising the bar for men. Also that it isn't a sign of low self esteem if a woman chooses to have a sex life, without a relationship. There's more low self esteem in tying yourself to a useless boyfriend. Plus there's time to gave babies, after 25.