Would your children prefer it if you didn't work?

If both me & DH were home all the time with nothing to do till pick up time I'm fairly sure we'd end up getting divorced so not sure that would make our kids happy.

We are currently in that position as I'm a sahm and DH has just been made redundant.

I'm sure dc would hate it if I went back to work, they are very attached to me and we do loads of fun stuff. I don't think they are happier with DH at home all the time (neither of us are either!) as we are obviously worried about money and he's spending working hours job hunting. When he was working he often worked from home anyway. It was nice that he is able to play with dc whilst I make dinner - if he had a job with long hours I would find things a bit more stressful.

Same here. One of mine once said something about me working (3 days) - I pointed out what we would not have if I didn’t work. He never said it again. Now he’s 24 I can’t see him thinking either he or his GF should stay home if they have DC.

I had a friend at sixth form whose mum didn’t work and my friend spoke so disparagingly of her. “I don’t know what she does all day, she even has a cleaner.” And she def looked down on her mum.

I don’t think the working/ not working is the issue.

Their Christmas looks so chilled. No rushing. No big events. No trying to get to shops or carol services or ice skating. Just time with each other. No stressed mum barking at them.

I think it’s buying into the vision that Christmas has to be this consumerist rally full of ‘doing things’ and keeping up with the Jones’ if you don’t actually want to.

My mum was like that at Christmas, trying to make everything perfect, and all I ever wanted was for her to stop putting pressure in herself to do all this trivial things and just sit down and spend time with me.

Don’t think your children would be better off with you not working, especially as a single mum - unless you want to raise children whose idea of adult life is not having to work. It’s a hard lifestyle to fund without significant inherited wealth.

You can still work and have time with your kids. Once my son was born I dedicated a year or so to applying for more flexible jobs. I now work in school hours then make the time up over the weekend and un the evenings when he is in bed or at play dates to bring my hours to full time. Get groceries delivered. Drop him off and pick him up from school every day. I know it isn't possible in every line of work, but giving up work isn't the only option if you want to have lots of time with your kids. Works well for me!

I actually think my kids have it pretty good. We both work and earn about £4k combined a month, DH does permanent nights i work 28.75hrs a week condensed into 2 or 3 12.5hr shifts. I'm home a lot and he can do pick ups and drop offs as necessary. I've recently been talking to my kids about whether they would like me to stop working weekends and do more Monday-Friday hours instead. It'd be a drop in pay and mean I'm around less during the week but now they are all in school we'd have more time at weekends.

To be honest I don't find Christmas very stressful. I do my present and food shopping online. We have a very small extended family; my children have 1 set of grandparents, 1 uncle and 1 great Aunt who we try to see at some point in the Christmas period, some for a whole day and some just for an hour or two. I tend to be very led by my kids in the holidays, I'll suggest trips out or places we can go but if they don't want to or they fancy a day at home then we'll do that instead. We dont earn enough to be taking kids out on big trips that often so we spend a lot of time relaxing. My eldest is 9 and she has never been ice skating although we have taken them to see Santa every year. I often find there is a lot of pressure on kids at this time of year to find everything magical and have the best day out ever, which is obviously not realistic.

My kids love that we both don't work. They are 8 and 10.

DH and I did 40+ years in our careers and have taken the decision to retire early to focus on giving the kids SAH parents. We also chose to have kids later in life so that it fitted in with financial security.

I used to do very early starts and be away for work. They hated it as I was always starting sentences with ' I can't take you to school this morning as I've got a Teams call...'. They actually reminded me of that the other day.

I feel very lucky to be in this position and loving being a SAHM retried mum.

They know all about the careers we had and the places we've been in the world, so they are motivated to do the same. So no embarassment, quite the opposite ☺️

My kids would definitely prefer it if they didn't have to go to after school club or holiday club. They don't realistically understand that would mean me/DH not going to work, and want that would mean.

We both work PT/compressed hours so that we're around more. We're lucky to be able to do that but it's not without its downsides-firstly less money and secondly lack of career progression for me. Professionally I'd be happier FT, PT is a big compromise. Which basically is what life with work and kids is, endless compromise. Something has to give and you decide what gives depending on your circumstances.

So much research shows that work is good for us, particularly women. Scientists are not sure why women are more likely to develop dementia than men ( it's not simply down to living longer) but it has been suggested that working out of the home has preventative effects.
Remember that most working class women ( the great majority of women) have always worked outside the home. My grandmother on one side ran a hospital laundry on the other side my grandmother was a hairdresser. It was only in the 1950s that the idea of SAHM was sold to the national to free up jobs for men returning from the war. My Mum worked. She had to. We needed the money. I worked as a teacher, part time until my youngest was four then full time. I am in my seventies and I do three days a week grandchild care and I still do a small amount of paid work.
I have a friend who never worked after having children. She has suffered from anxiety for the last twenty odd years. She was lost when her children went to university and she is still lost. She has lost confidence in everything. She stopped driving a long time ago. She hates leaving the home and she worries about everything. Goodness knows how she will cope when her husband is gone.
Work helps you feel good about yourself. It makes you feel like a grown up,an adult. There is a huge body of research to show that educating women so that they can work and be independent is very good for women and their families. It is why overseas development aid puts huge resources into education.

Mine know that we could work less or go part time, but they won’t have multiple foreign holidays, the branded clothes, the days out, the opportunities and clubs that they have now. It’s all very wholesome being there the whole time, but at some stage you’d need money to actually enjoy that time. There are only so many free activities you can drag out. Personally I’d rather be able to go to the cinema/Xmas markets/have a day out in London/go ice skating/enjoy a meal out or a takeaway with my DC. I’d also get bored not working and think it’s important to demonstrate some kind of work ethic. Even better if you can demonstrate flexible working - I don’t miss school pick ups and I work full time hours. It’s not an either/or!

mine just cleaned the house all day. - ah, now I get it - THAT's what SAHMs do.

That was definitely NOT what I was doing when I was at home with my children.

We have done a bit of everything over the years…… when the children where little it was easier for me to be at home and husband work - we where however very very poor (had a mortgage so no housing help , and husband on minimum wage at the time) also , long term it wasn’t good for my mental health.

working part time for me and husband full was a good balance as we managed to juggle child care so we didn’t need nursery, which ment it was financially worth it .

I now do 4 full days (so close to full time) and husband has a better paying job, so we have more money (which the kids would probably say was more important as they are 17 and 14)

I honestly don’t know what is best , it’s a hard balance. I only manage the 4 days because I have the fifth at home pottering and catching up on jobs and rest

I can’t imagine the two adults at home doing nothing with their lives are really happy

you can always tweek and change what you do, but try not to base your life happiness by comparing yourself to others.

From the perspective of a child whose parents both worked FT I can assure you that personally I am (and was) delighted that DM worked. She would have been intellectually stunted and resentful if she’d had to stay home. Other Mums clearly loved it but mine would have been a nightmare. As would I. We discussed DH being a SAHD but he didn’t want to so…tricks extremely good consistent childcare (same CM for the last 11 years and counting here).

As a small child I really would have preferred it if my mum didn’t work. She worked nights and it always upsetting seeing her get ready for work before we went to bed. I always remember other kids mums being at all school events because they didn’t work. But as I got older it would have been weird.

This made me think of my mum. Before I had kids she made a comment that of course I would be giving up work once kids came along. I pointed out that she always encouraged me to go to uni, choose a career and do well for myself. She certainly liked showing off to her friends about my achievements. Then she would just expect me to give all that up?! Bizarre.

Mine wouldn't. They're quite attached to a safe, adequately-heated home, plenty of food and not worrying about affording hygiene products. Not to mention their days out, football club, riding lessons, rock climbing, expensive holidays...

I'm sure they'd like me to be available to them at all times, but not at the expense of a secure life.

They might enjoy not rushing so much and more organised house. They wouldn't enjoy smaller house, less activities, smaller gifts. More stressed parents struggling to pay bills.

Of course if money no object then they would prefer i didn't work, so would I but that is not a scenario for many people.

Unfortunately OP I don't think there's a correct answer to your conundrum other than you do what's best for you. I always worked part time (24 hours) and my kids enjoyed the time with their childminder. I was also very lucky that my husband had an above average wage to facilitate this plus we cut our cloth accordingly. My kids are adults now and they both needed financial support through university which we couldn't have done without my wage. Also, I'm mid 50's I have a few friends who have had poor health resulting in early retirement so you don't know what the future holds so you really need to save early for that. My kids certain have no issues due to me working.

Technically my mum always worked, sometimes FT and sometimes PT. But we lived in poverty and no, I don't think my childhood was especially happy given that I was constantly missing out on activities and trips and wore hand-me-down clothes. Never mind the holidays, I couldn't even talk to my friends about the latest movies as we didn't have money for a TV or a VHS player, let alone a trip to the cinema. We also lived in a studio flat and there was literally nowhere to hide. I used to love being home alone when my parents were at work so I could have some time to myself.
Holidays are as stressful as you make them. We both work full time, we haven't really done anything for the holidays that required dashing about like headless chickens.

Also, my SIL doesn't work. She could now her DDs are older (15 and 19) but chooses not to as financially there's no need. She's always been financially reliant on her DH. Which to be honest is my worst nightmare. Her 2 DDs aspirations are...to find a rich man and marry him. Both smart girls but neither want to go to uni or have a career at all really. I really don't want that for my DD and I try and be a role model from that perspective.

This. Absolutely 💯

And to add, he has a very strong work ethic and wants to build his own career.

'Mine say they would. I teach so am out of the house a lot and I must admit they have spent a lot of time in wraparound care, or coming home to an empty house, although I was part-time when they were young. Time spent together in the school holidays doesn't seem to count to them.'

@lavenderlou I was a teacher too - once my youngest said she was trying to think of a job I could do where I could pick them up every day. I said, isn't the whole of all the school holidays enough for you? Apparently it wasn't.

I now work FT in a different job and she now says she prefers to come home to an empty house

DS is 18 and I worked full time most of his life, with a couple of brief periods part time. He went to full time nursery, after school five days a week etc. I was a lone parent for some of it and lucky to have family support and for a time, a partner who shared in the drudge work. He always went to clubs, I could usually get time off for events in school time etc but I did spend a lot of time away from him.

He's had a good life- holidays, toys, activities, days out. None of that would've been possible if I hadn't worked and built my career. He's a happy teen and says he had a happy childhood. I also would've been much more miserable not working. We are close and I've always been there for him, throughout some very difficult times. Mentally I'm always a mother first as that's where my heart lies. It has affected my career choices despite working - delayed promotion etc. but there is a balance to be had.