Would your children prefer it if you didn't work?

I currently work very very part-time like a few hours a month.
Earlier in the year circumstances changed and it looked as though I was going to have to get a full-time job my children were having an absolute turn about it.
Not happy at all mainly because they know how stressed I get when I have deadlines and places to be and I have to be outside of the house.
I don’t care what anybody says. Young children’s preference is for their parents to be at their absolute beck and Call or at least there to pick them up and take them to school

What a load of tosh.

Both DH and I have had full careers and are now SAH parents. Both are kids are already talking about where they want to go to uni and what careers they want.

So many assumptions that all SAH parents are feckless poverty striken layabouts who are making carbon copies of themselves. That's just lazy thinking.

My parents both worked when I was a child and I went to a childminder some of the time. Sometimes my sibling and I used to moan about it but I have great memories now of the childminders, playing with the other kids etc. I don’t think it did me or my sibling any harm. I don’t remember ever wishing my parents didn’t work it was just what I knew. Lots of my friends who work would love to be stay at home mums but can’t afford it. I never had a desire to be a stay at home parent personally.

I was mostly a SAHM for a while (I worked part time, but from home, so was always around for the children. I now work full-time in a really consuming but also fulfilling job. My DD11, who's the eldest, recently used me as the person she was most inspired by, in a school interview. I was ridiculously touched. I know both my kids find it hard that I am so stretched now, but I also know I'm a better person all round for it and that filters down to them. I also want to set a good example to them - I can't see how both parents not working is setting children up for anything but them also not working when adults.

Absolutely this.

Flexibility is the key for me.
Both of my parents worked, dad was a police officer (shift work) and my mother worked office hours near home and school and worked around dads shifts and school runs (he had his shifts well in advance)
This meant we always had access to one parent.
My view is even as a teenager you don't physically need your parents to do things....but it's a complicated time in your life with lots of changes and you still do need that stability at home with a parent there. We didn't have grandparents that were available to look after us etc.

I never had to go to after school clubs/holiday clubs etc and for me as a child I would have hated the uncertainty of who was going to be there etc.

I remember as teenagers my friends who were at home all day in the holidays. They were quite lonely! Even though I didn't spend every single moment with my parents at home I liked them just being there.

My mother often spoke that she could have worked full time etc and had a bigger house but all in all....we had what we needed and we went on holiday etc!

Now I'm a parent my view is the same...I'm a shift worker (30 hours...works out 2 days one week and 3 days the next) this includes working weekends. My husband works office hours (condensed over 4 days and also flexi time) meaning that maximum 1 day per week my child is picked up from school by a grandparent and goes to theirs for tea some weeks it's 0.
Yes I could up my hours..probably extend my mortgage to a bigger house etc but that would mean less time with our child.

It's possible to have a middle ground here - working parents and a low stress life.

My DS loves my job. I travel internationally quite a bit and have occasionally been able to take him with me.

I recently got a promotion and the first thing he asked was if I'd still get to travel!

I'm fortunate that between me and DH we've never missed a play, assembly or sports day.
DS is 10 and fully understands that our lifestyle is a result of us both working.

I was lucky enough that I had grandparents working around my parents when I was a kid so that I spent my free time in the hub of the home and among family or out to my own hobbies.

I wanted to achieve something like that for my own children but in the absence of available grandparents I chose to be a sahm when they were little and I wfh pt now they're older.

Yes, I know they prefer it. But so do I - it's an easy, peaceful, stress-free life but it's only available because DH is on board with this life too.

They might like having you around but it's not exactly setting a good example, is it. How do you explain to them that mum and dad don't work, but they are going to have to. (Obvious reasons for not working like ill health notwithstanding, of course.)

I think it's ideal that children see both mum and dad working, in order to earn money to pay for things they want and need. Not necessarily both full time, in fact I think both part time is best so both do some childcare and housework.

Personally being able to afford activities and nice days out massively improves our lives as a family. I'd hate to be stuck at home all the time.

Mine think they would like me not to work, BUT - i was recently unemployed for about x4 months, and I was so stressed and bored that I was a different person. I'm a better wife and mother when I work.

What they would like is for me to win the lottery and not work! Then I'd be pretty chilled out and have unlimited money for outings etc.

i think my kids and I would be a lot more stressed if we were homeless, and couldn’t afford to eat, so no!

We work to pay our way and afford to spend quality time together during the weekends and holidays.

I work as I want my children to appreciate that women can and should be equal contributing members of society and that there is a whole life for them outside of domestic drudgery.

Quality over quantity every time.

I’m lucky that my DM does 3.30 pick up once a week and I can manage my hours so I can do pick up once a week and go to park with DC friends. DC would love never to go to after school club as doesn’t enjoy it after long school day.

It’s not just about hours spent together though it’s also how I spend those hours - I would love to feel more rested and not have to juggle all the housework with DH in non working hours and be more present with DC.

We both work full time about half from home. I don’t think we’d do well just knocking around the house though we all get cabin fever.

My dc is an only child and much as we love the family time we have, he benefited loads from nursery and afterschool club and afterschool sports. I definitely wouldn’t be as good company as his friends are for running around the park or pitch at 3:30 on a dark winter afternoon.
cosy afternoons baking or crafting sound good in theory but my son after school wanted to run and play and unless I had arranged so many daily play dates I might as well be a childminder - he was better off in afterschool care.

Yes, I'm sure they would. I'd like to not work too sometimes (but still have money to do fun things), but that's just not an option.

My DC would also like to not go to school some days - some things in life are not optional!

Not mine. She’s 4, I changed my working hours so I could drop off & pick up 3x days a week, shared an after-school nanny with her friend for the remaining 2 days so she had some flexibility to go to the park, chill out etc, and she goes to breakfast club on those 2 days.

Nanny took 2 weeks hols recently, which coincided with a busy period at work so DD ended up in breakfast and ASC club 4 days a week which she absolutely loved, so that’s what we’re doing after Christmas (albeit dropping a day down to 3 days per week).

Loved playing with kids of different ages at ASC, seeing her friends from other classes & drawing at breakfast club. Cried most morning when I dropped her off directly to class, and I got a delightful “oh, it’s you. I don’t want you to pick me up” when I collected her.

Research suggests that, on the whole, sons and daughters of working mothers appear to thrive contrary to popular belief, with daughters benefiting most from the positive role model of a mother with a career. And one thing which would improve kids mental health isn’t mum being at the school gates religiously from 3pm, but not being thrown into to world of social media and everything the internet can show them at the age of 9.

I think it's a huge assumption to assume that everyone who is a SAH parent is living in poverty or just scraping by.

We're teaching our kids that you work your socks off when you're young, get yourself financially stable and then you have choices. My DS is already thinking about investments and passive income and he's 10. I don't want to teach my kids that you're only on this planet to work, rather that you make your money work for you.

I came from a single parent family and very much had a plan from a young age to be financially independent, so put everything into pushing myself as hard as I could when I didn't have responsibility.

Equally I do understand there are those living in poverty who may chose not to work but that isn't representative of all SAH parents. There's a whole spectrum of personal circumstances.

@sleetandwind I agree that work can be a source of stress. But so can being with your children all the time.

The trick is to find the right balance.

I mentor women returning from maternity leave at my organisation and the main thing I tell them is that they need to figure out the balance of work and children that works for them personally, embrace it and not feel the guilt in either direction. And keep an eye on it as it can change over time.

I don't agree that Mumsnet is as pro work as you say - I think there's a massive "precious moments" crew of SAHMs posting with the "on your deathbed, you won't wish you worked more" type comment

I once mentioned to my two girls early teens that some people tried to make mum’s feel guilty for working. They were baffled by this. It had never entered their heads that me working was negative, and never felt that they weren’t a priority. They were happy with their childcare (nursery/childminder/grandparents) and just considered it normal and not worthy of comment.

I do know SAHM that insist their DC want them at home and that their DC would hate wrap around care. But they don’t actually know any different so how would they know that’d hate it? As long as children are loved and have their needs are met they will be happy with whatever logistics for family life are in place.

DH and I were both raised by at home mums until about 13 but neither of us felt this was valuable enough to give up an income for.

I’m sorry but this is the kind of unscientific bollocks certain types of SAHPs parrot about working parents when they don’t really understand. “Look more frazzled” indeed. Is there a frazzled scale where you can measure this? Who is to say working makes you more “frazzled” than being skint?

I have never not worked. My daughter is absolutely used to me working and thinks it’s completely normal. If I chucked it all in just to be sitting around at home and reduced the household budget by 80% she would absolutely not thank me.

Anyone romanticizing poverty because it gives people time to sit around doing more of nothing has missed the point of life and is not being a great role model to their children.

Don't think this is a healthy example for the children though - where do they think money comes from?
Am all for having a simpler life, so you don't need so much money....
Think it is lovely to have parents around as much as possible, particularly when children aren't being pushed from pillar to post!

I think it’s stress rather than work which is the problem and of course work is (or can be) a source of stress. MN seems to like to see work as a cure all for many things (any woman struggling with the grind of small children or loneliness of maternity leave is ordered back to work full time with no thought to any impact on the children.) It rarely seems to consider that work can be a massive eroder of self esteem and source of stress.

With that said, the biggest source of stress and all societal ills is poverty and work can be a route out of that.

I would massively prefer it if I didn’t work and I’m sure my children would in the short term but I do have to consider their long term needs as well as the short term. So I work. I hate it though.

This.

Plus also they would prefer a working mum who is happy and fulfilled and has good mental health than one who is unhappy staying at home.

I think we would all find it miserable and stressful not having much money. I don’t think our children would have chosen to lose most of the nice days out, holidays, material things and opportunities that they have, to have both of us not working. I grew up very poor and it was miserable and stressful.

However, I’m a SAHM and my partner works which works really well for us. The kids have me around all the time, their dad’s job has always been very flexible, he works at home now and he earns a great salary so I think we have things very good. No real stress, money for nice stuff and the kids see lots of both of us.

I can’t imagine thinking both of us staying at home was an option if it meant not having much money. I suppose if money was no object, then it would be different, but to both not work and not do anything which costs money, just to have both parents around full time seems odd.

How does this work in practice though, do they not work at all, if so where does their money come from?

It’s possible to work less if you make alternative lifestyle choices to the mainstream, but then you accept things which many people would not want. For example if you live in a van or on a boat, you could have much much lower monthly outgoings but you would balance that against the need to sort out water, sewage waste, power and so on. You would have a lot less space. Most people would not want the compromises that living voluntarily on such a reduced income would bring.