Would your children prefer it if you didn't work?

but on the whole working parents do look more frazzled, and one parent has to miss at least some pick up and drop offs usually. I don't know many parents where both work full time and yet both turn up at 3.15 and can freely go to the park together

That makes no sense. Why would children need/want both parents to drop them off and pick them up? Why would both parents need to go watch them in a park? If DH and I, both, had of not worked, that wouldn’t have happened. One would have done the drop off/pick up and the other would have surfed the net or watched Netflix, and swap. I get it if one person is disabled and the other has to go along so they could do it done if the time, but other than that flummoxed why it would need 2 people ……..

I'm a sahm and in recent years I've asked my kids how they'd feel about me going back to work and they really didn't like the idea at all and listed a hundred reasons why. They didn't want to take the school bus to school, didn't want to eat school food for lunch, didn't want to go to after school club, didn't want to miss all their after school activities, didn't want to miss me terribly... makes me feel appreciated I guess.

@KnitFastDieWarm

My mum was the same - she didn’t go back to full-time work until my youngest sibling was 16 (not entirely out of choice, as various circumstances made it make sense for her to be at home). I really appreciated her being at home with us when we were at primary school, but once we were at secondary school I felt a bit sorry for her as I think she was quite bored and lonely. She was much happier and more confident when she went back to work.

My mum basically never went back to work and she was unbelievably bored and lonely when we were at secondary school. I wouldn't say I felt sorry for her exactly but I felt a very tangible sense of how frustrated she was and to be honest I was very keen to make sure I didn't live her life. I knew from a very young age that I would be miserable as a SAHM.

It may be true that very small children prefer their parents to be at home, debatable: I think it depends on other factors such as how much they enjoy being with their childminders etc. But net/net I don't think it's worth it. At best it's probably 2-3 years of a child's life where that really counts and the damage that does to the career prospects and the earning potential of the parent at home is disproportionately huge: many women who spend more than a couple of years at home basically never get their careers back. And being a SAHP to school age children or beyond is really not necessary so ultimately that early sacrifice isn't worth it.

Both my parents worked full-time and if you'd asked me as a child, I would have said I wished they didn't. I spent a lot of time in childcare and was incredibly envious of all my friends who had a stay at home parent.

As an adult, I can see that my mum loved her job and would have been miserable at home full-time. She didn't need to work financially as my dad was a very high earner, but she needed it for her mental health and happiness.

Children may prefer lots of things but luckily they don't get to decide.

I wouldn't ask. Life isn't all about the kids, they are a priority but I'm important too. I have never wanted to be a sahm. I am self employed, work between 12-20 hours a week. We work around each other so there is always a parent doing school pick ups, drop offs and physically present when they come home. As far as I'm concerned they get the best of both worlds and we have the money for holidays and treats like softplay, cinema, I'm fulfilled too, have a pension pot and my own money.

My mum was a sahm and got a job when my youngest sister started college. She finally found independence for herself and I am proud of her.

My mum was a SAHP when I was growing up. She was bored and unfulfilled and my parents were often worried about money. I always wished that she would get a job but she had lost her confidence and couldn't face it.

Younger children woukd have, but teens, no way..

My mum was the same - she didn’t go back to full-time work until my youngest sibling was 16 (not entirely out of choice, as various circumstances made it make sense for her to be at home). I really appreciated her being at home with us when we were at primary school, but once we were at secondary school I felt a bit sorry for her as I think she was quite bored and lonely. She was much happier and more confident when she went back to work.

Nowadays, I imagine she’d have got a wfh job when we were much younger (before having children she’d worked in a field that nowadays would be very amenable to home working). I feel very lucky to be able to wfh full time and do school pickups etc while also having a career, and she often comments wistfully on how much better that arrangement is for parents and carers.

I'm a lone parent and I know that DS would love for me to be at home and not work. However I don't think he'd like the actual reality of that i.e. no more clubs, out of school activieis, days out, treats, holidays etc

I would say that little kids would 100% prefer it if their parents didn't work. At that age, you don't need much money to make kids happy: a trip to the park/library, flask of hot chocolate etc.

But once you hit the teenage/young adult years I think there are huge advantages to having parents who work: more money for tech and clothes, able to pay for activities, trips, holidays, able to support with costs of uni/next career steps. My DC has an expensive hobby that is likely to be a big part of his life and maybe even become a career - there is no way he would be able to pursue this if I wasn't working.

I was a SAHM until my DC went to school, then worked pt and then increased hours to ft when thry were both at secondary school.
They'd definitely like it if one or both of us were at home more, esp in school holidays, but they also like having whatever food they like, going on holiday, treats like going out for a meal for someone's birthday, or going to the cinema etc.

I think it was just as stressful in a different way when I was a SAHM but we had far less disposable income

No they wouldn’t because I’d be utterly miserable. Tried doing the stay at home mum thing, lasted a month and I was almost suicidal. Husband and I both work shifts though so one of us is usually about.

Pick up and drop offs aren't exactly the most exciting way to spend time together though. If neither DH nor I worked, we would probably take it in turns to do them anyway!

Everyone has the choice to live on a tiny income and have more time with their kids, but I think most people have decided the benefits of time don't outweigh the need for money. The stress of having less time for your kids is far less than the stress of not having enough money. My family were very poor at one point in my childhood and it's not something I would wish for my children at all.

My mum didn't work and I loved it growing up. It's only as an adult I think it would've been better for her as she can be quite isolated. I was quite lazy about household jobs and notably less mature than friends who had to go to childcare and get on with things more than I did.

I think my children appreciate me coming to a play or picking them up so much more because they know it's not easy for me to do that.

Just to add, In our case, we both now work, and I always feel guilty I am not giving my kids as much as what I had.
For instance, my sister and I are both avid readers, my kids less so - and I did read to them when they were young, but obviously much less than my mum (who was SAHM) did to us, as she was around from 3pm when we got home from school to do, and took us to libraries several times a week. And I think that is direct consequence. Same with food: she made sure we snacked healthily when coming home from school, and had prepared things, whereas mine sort of grab whatever they want, and my husband and I are holed up in the office or WFH so not keeping as close an eye on things, and as a result their diet is not as healthy as ours was (in terms of that part of the day).

I agree with this. My mum was a SAHM and was always embarrassed that she didn't work. I made sure to get my own high flying career so my DC didn't have to feel the same way about me.

I don’t think that’s a bad thing to keep the next size up clothes especially if you’re buying them in the sales that’s good financial planning don’t beat yourself up for that.
I always look at it as is the discount worth more than the interest I would gain on having it in the bank so if it’s 50% off it’s worth buying the clothes and storing them
If it’s 10% off, the cash is better off in the Bank
If it’s going on a credit card, you don’t need it.

Growing up my mum didn't work and my dad never let her hear the end of it - I swore I'd never been like that and so have a well paid career ....maybe my kids will be the opposite but I'm teaching them valuable lessons about work ethic ambition multi tasking etc

I think most children prefer the scenario where one parent works (ie brings home money for holidays and nice things), and one doesn't, so is around to play/chat / cook nice food / take them places / look after the house a bit / generally look after them.
The best of both worlds, basically!
I had this scenario growing up, and loved it.

It's also role modelling for your DC. Boys grow up thinking women can work and girls grow.up thinking they can work.

I’m a SAHM but DH works for himself from
home and has a very flexible job. It’s worked brilliantly for our DC’s and us. Sure we could earn a lot more money but the time we have together is sacred to us right now while the kids are younger and I’ll ‘go back to work’ when I feel it suits our family. The time I have means I can and do help DH’s business at times but only ever during school hours, I can and do sort the house/kids etc, it also means we eat healthier and save money as I have the time to DIY/cook from scratch/grow veg/plan trips. It works for us, because we have time it means we very rarely stressed if at all, and it also means we can help the kids become more independent as we have time to teach them (eg cooking, life skills)

I grew up with a single, non working parent, and honestly it wasn't great. Yes I never had to go to childcare and she always had time to take use to the park but the memories that have lasted most strongly are the ones of being cold and hungry.

As an adult I've always struggled with disordered eating because feel I need to eat everything I have, because I can't get over the fear there won't be food later/tomorrow. I also border on becoming a holder because I need to have months worth of food and the next few sizes of kids cloths stored 8n my house, just to keep the 'not being able to provide' anxiety at bay.

If you want to simply your life, by all means skip the ice skating or extracurricular activities, but please continue to provide a financially stable upbringing for your DC if you are able to.

"I can't see how both parents not working is setting children up for anything but them also not working when adults".

No assumption on my part. Your words. Your assumption.

HTH

@kiraric

I don't agree that Mumsnet is as pro work as you say - I think there's a massive "precious moments" crew of SAHMs posting with the "on your deathbed, you won't wish you worked more" type comment

Absolutely. And this "no one on their deathbed ever regretted not working more" is such a load of shit.

A very large number of people regret not having worked more. People who don't work are, for the most part, completely dependent on other people or dependent on the state for money and let's be honest, that's a horrendous place to be. Yes some people are forced into this and they deserve support and compassion but it isn't something to aspire to. My mum basically never returned to work after having my sister and I and was incredibly bitter about it. She was incredibly unfulfilled, bored and lonely and would have given two decades of her life to have gone back to work.

Work is often painted on here as something for people who don't have "lives": I've lost count of the number of times I've seen people comment on here that jobs are for people who can't think of anything more interesting to do or who don't have hobbies. Or for ballbreaking types who want to spend all their money on an expensive car or shoes

It's true that some people work too hard and there is a balance to be found. But work can bring a huge amount of satisfaction if you find the right work and more importantly it brings independence. Work is freedom.

It really worries me that in this day and age people on a discussion board predominantly for women are presenting a lifestyle based on centring your entire life around your children and husband as superior to this.

*What a load of tosh.

Both DH and I have had full careers and are now SAH parents. Both are kids are already talking about where they want to go to uni and what careers they want.

So many assumptions that all SAH parents are feckless poverty striken layabouts who are making carbon copies of themselves. That's just lazy thinking.*

Why are you both SAHP though? Presumably because you've been successful and earned enough to retire early? In which case, great - good for you! But it's not a load of tosh to say there are successive generations where no adults work. I didn't say 'all' SAHP - you made that assumption yourself