Would your children prefer it if you didn't work?

I am full time carer for our disabled youngest but we had already decided with our older DC I'd stay home and we are fortunate enough to be able to do this. We've home educated all our DC and eldest are now both doing well at sixth form.

Lifts and errands has always been shared between DH and I as he works very near home. I can't imagine not having been at home with them, particularly whilst they were young. They're growing into very independent, ambitious young adults now.

Oh and yep our Christmases are generally very chilled!

I think my DS would have preferred I not work but as a single parent I had to.

I resented my DM for not working because we struggled. But I also resented her spending money like water, complaining she had no money of her own and not being around even though she was supposed to be. All my friends had DMs that worked and they had a much higher standard of living.

@kiraric

I also find the "rushing around thing" a bit weird.

Yeah its odd as it implies (to me) that its better for you and your kids to be sitting on your backside, which I don't buy into. I always find when people on these sorts of threads talk about "stress" they really usually mean "doing things during the day". I don't consider ordinary run of the mill stuff like doing my job, preparing a meal and dropping a kid off and then picking them up at an activity particularly stressful -- I would find doing housework while the kids watched TV far more stressful.

People really fetishise doing nothing on here and go on about the importance of being bored which is fashionable at the moment. I think its over-rated.

Obviously no one wants their cortisol levels to be permanently through the roof but I sometimes think a bit of healthy moderate stress does kids good. No one is going to achieve anything in their life if they don't get used to the fact they will have to push themselves a bit at certain points. Having a parent around to permanently facilitate everything and removing anything difficult or uncomfortable isn't a great way to learn this.

We both work, we picked them up (including the oldest when he isn’t feeling too cool), give them attention, cook their tea, take them to clubs, do homework etc. Not stressfull and no rushing around.

@Thepeopleversuswork I also find the "rushing around thing" a bit weird.

I do the school runs one day a week, as does DH, and then we use the wraparound three days.

TBH - I feel most rushed on the day I am picking up and dropping off at 9 and 3! Because there's a five minute window and I get stressed by that and shouty with the kids. On wraparound days, I have a longer window to drop them off and am much more relaxed.

I feel in general that posters on here often really over egg the importance of picking up children at 3. I don't find it particularly quality time with the kids, ironically we are "rushing around" taking them to their activities half the time!

Most of my kids' peers who are picked up at 3 seem to go home and play Roblox anyway.

But different people find different things stressful I guess.

No neither would I want to teach them that is a good model

that said I work freelance from home in order to give myself time and space

It's probably because you're doing the school runs and then carrying on with work

I think most set ups can work for children but I think children do find confusing and hard to handle when parents are there but unavailable due to work.

Unless totally unavoidable, we try to stick to our compressed work hours so we are properly available to the kids on the day we pick them up

SAHPs "intellectually stunted"? I've heard it all now 🤣🤣🤣
When I went back to work part time after my youngest started secondary school, there was definitely guilt at not being there for them and stress when they needed more interventions to help them handle the school environment. My older children had no such difficulty. Coincidence - perhaps? Covid - perhaps? Me not being there when they came home from school and being less available when there were difficulties during school time - perhaps?

Incidentally, to the many people asking how SAHP couples get £2k a month. It's easily that on benefits.

More that they don't get a lift to a school.so have to navigate their own way and the whole day is longer, then they sort themselves out later and get the bus/tube/train to whatever they're doing. Plus sort the housework out and walk the dog.

They're not stressed, just a bit lazy I guess 😅

I've just returned to work after being a SAHM for a few years - not a stressful job and on part time hours but my kids have noticed the difference in mom being out the house more and my youngest (2.5) seems a little clingier then normal with the routine change she's gone through. If you asked them I'm sure they would want me home and not going out.

However, this Christmas has been lovely knowing that there is extra money coming in at the end of the month and I've been able to take them out to more treats (theatre, Xmas fairs) and not scrimp as much. It's easy to feel guilty, it's harder to cultivate the confidence to step back and know you're making adult, longer term decisions. I think a lot of parenting philosophy these days is about chasing the feelings of children when they can't understand adult life.

The other family's Christmas may look lovely and chilled but they also could be feeling frustrated and bored. It's easy to project and assume they're having a great time and it will feel way more stressful if your doing all the costs and logistics as a single parent. I hope you get your lovey family moments this Xmas, however they arrive!

In the OP you've said

I am a single parent so this life would be very hard for me to achieve; but I think if I asked my kids would you give up our house, holidays, extracurricular activities, toys, devices, subscriptions etc to have me there every day and be less distracted, they would say yes!

Give up their house and live where? And living on a joint income of less than £2000 per month, where would you get this?

If I had a private income, yeah great, but I don't and I can't work out what would happen if I gave up my job. I'd need to be living off someone else, with all the risks associated with that, or the state.

Not working wouldn't even make my top 3 Christmas wishes.

This "rushing around" trope is always trotted out on these threads but I honestly think this is mainly SAHPs projecting.

People always insist that being at work is "stressful" (see the "frazzled" comment upthread). But in my view not having money or enough to do with your time is far more stressful than having a job. I have found work stressful at specific times but I've never found the idea of work stressful and I'd be far more stressed by being bored and underemployed than I would working. I appreciate everyone is different but I'm not convinced that not working immediately reduces stress.

I think honestly yes, most pre-teen children would prefer it if a parent picked them up from school, could bring them home, give them attention for the rest of the afternoon, have a meal together etc. Rather than picking them up from after school club, rushing around trying to do homework, make dinner etc. It’s stressful for everyone. Is this possible for most people in today’s world? No, unfortunately.

When mine were adults, I did ask them if they wished their childhood had of been different in terms of mine/DH work. Basically, being one person not working. They said no, as they felt that both of us would have been a complete nightmare if we didn’t work, and we wouldn’t be mum/dad as that was a major part of our identity. They also added that looking back they had absolutely awesome holidays and experiences they believe was well worth it. They also fed back that they believe it gave them a solid work ethic, and that they were aware that as an adult if they wanted ‘nice things’ it meant work to achieve that.

We did sacrifice a lot though in that we made sure we worked opposite days, shifts until the youngest was around 10/11yo (can’t recall now). It avoided the cost and logistics of external care. That meant we never had 2 parents at home at the same time, or at least while the kids were awake. Or, we did but one was sleeping due to night shifts etc. So, extremely rare that we were ever present together while they were awake for many years. It was also challenging to coordinate leave so we would have a family holiday once every 3 years. Then we would go for 4 weeks and it would be absolutely fantastic as we could throw everything at it. It was shit though to get home from night shift, tag DH out the door for work, stay up all day with toddlers/young kids, get a few hours sleep when he tagged back in the door, just to rinse and repeat day after day for long stretches. Still, I’d do the same again if I had the time over.

I’m extremely lucky to WFH with a flexible job, so I can drop and collect from school, help with homework and keep on top of basic household jobs. I think DC would go into shock if I had to go to the office every day!

My mum quit work when my elder sibling was born. She could have returned to work when went to secondary school but in her own words ‘couldn’t be bothered’ with the stress of commuting and trying to run a house. I do think she made the wrong choice. Her world really shrank and now she’s an elderly widow, and very needy for my time, she has no concept of what life is like as a working mother.

I think it depends on their friendship group if they have other friends on low income families, or if everyone is on holiday constantly

And both of my daughter in laws say they’d hate being at home all day

I taught very part time until my youngest of 3 was about 10. They definitely liked the days I met them them from school more than the ones where they had to go to my neighbour til I’d finished ( not as infants though as they went to the school I taught at) .
My adult children and wives with children of their own however have always both worked full time after each maternity leave and consider that to be usual practice. Times change
I remember as a child in the 60’s and early 70’s not liking the 2 days my mum worked and I had to retrieve the key under the mat to let myself in once I was at secondary school - although I did enjoy that freedom once I reached 15!

yes, totally. both have very complex needs, need 24/7 support and cannot be left alone. and I am extremely stressed with working and combining care, appointments, housework etc. I am not a good version of myself. Sadly, being a sahm isn't something I can afford but it was would hugely improve my life and by extension, that of my DC.

Children may prefer lots of things but luckily they don't get to decide.

Exactly! I find it crazy that people let their children decide whether they work or not!

I can afford not to work, but choose to. After a particularly stressful and chaotic period at work, I decided it might be time to stop, and focus on just being Mum. I floated the idea past my daughter, expecting her to think this was an amazing idea. She was not keen, she has the idea of strong work ethics and couldn’t understand what I would do all day! I found the whole conversation both hilarious and enlightening in terms of her viewpoint, and I’m still happily working.

Whenever I start thinking about going back to work my dc make it known in no uncertain terms how against it they are but it would surely only be a very small child who would 'give up our house, holidays, extracurricular activities, toys, devices, subscriptions etc to have me there every day'. Even a 6 year old would understand the practicalities of giving up their house.

My 4 year old asks me all the time "why do you have to work so much" and that's with me STILL doing all the school runs etc but I often have to carry on working when he gets home. He does say though "is it so you can take me on holiday" or "buy me cars" so he gets the concept that if I didn't work, we wouldn't have nice things!

There is certainly something to be said for living a more simple life, and living happily within your means. But I think your option of not working and children being happy about it is only feasible if the parents are independently wealthy (and I don't mean millionaires, but having a home that is owned outright, sufficient funds to always be able to pay gas/electricity, clothe and feed themselves and their children etc). It is stressful working, but it's also stressful trying to survive in poverty, and you have no safety net if things go wrong, whether that's small things like the boiler breaking, or major things like critical, life-limiting illnesses or death. Children will inevitably pick up on that stress, or they will notice when you are going without food so that they can have dinner etc.

I work part time so pick DD up from school everyday and both DH and I work from home. We're also generally able to manage holidays etc with work flexibility. So I do think I have the best of both worlds tbh