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To Tell SIL To Stop Claiming Things?

761 replies

Addyview · 23/12/2024 04:03

I've been with DH a very long time and we have a child together, I get on well with his brother but his brothers wife is another story. She's nice enough most of the time but makes a lot of situations very awkward because of how tight she is. Whenever she comes round if I offer her something to eat she says things like "Yes, can you also wrap some up for me to take home" no matter what it is! There's a million examples I can give but she basically won't pay for anything and is always on the scrounge.
My husbands brother earns a lot of money and so does his wife so its not like they ever struggle, BIL says its just who she is and does try to stop her.
Anyway on Christmas they're coming for dinner but last year was so uncomfortable because she basically laid claim to everything she saw. Every present she saw me open she was asking if she could have it if I didn't like it or when I was fed up of it, she was pointing at things on the dinner table saying she'd take the leftovers home and telling other guests to not eat it all! It really got on my nerves by the end of the day.
She's coming this year and me and DH are both in agreement that we need to say she can't behave like that because it makes everyone else awkward but BIL has asked us to leave it alone and just ignore her because she gets embarrassed. I'm half tempted to just cancel BIL and his wife altogether if I'm honest.
I'm several years into this womans impolite behaviour and it's casting a bit of a dark cloud over Christmas because I'm dreading her making everyone else feel uncomfortable when she starts! So to me my two options are ring her in the morning and tell her to not behave that way or uninvite them both and tell BIL why. I simply cannot have another Christmas day like last years.

OP posts:
Fraaances · 27/12/2024 08:47

And her arms?

GCAcademic · 27/12/2024 01:09

The SIL must have taken all the OP's devices. And her router.

FaintingAardvark73 · 27/12/2024 00:33

@Addyview Hope your day wasn’t too stressful and you got to enjoy it!

BrightonFrock · 27/12/2024 00:18

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 26/12/2024 23:47

Where’s OP now?

Her SIL packed her into a Tupperware and took her home.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 26/12/2024 23:47

Where’s OP now?

real housewives of new york city wtf GIF
dementedmummy · 26/12/2024 23:45

Addyview · 23/12/2024 09:51

I think I've read everyone's replies so I'll answer you all here now I've woke back up. My reason for being awake so late is specifically down to SIL and the dread of her.

She's late 20s and grew up in a middle class family, no struggles but her parents are also pretty tight, nowhere near her level and her mum hates her own daughters behaviour from what I've seen.
In the past I have let her take food home because it was awkward to say no. I stopped inviting her round for coffee and a catch up because if I offered her a biscuit or a sandwich she'd ask for extra to take home and it was weird.
On Christmas I try to laugh it off and just say no when she asks for presents but it just goes further where she will then say its not my sort of thing and she'd get more out of it, I did get a little firmer by the end of the day last year but it didn't seem to deter her any. DH ate as much as he could when she asked people to not eat all of something she wanted so he could prove a point but again she would just push further.
Saying a firm no to this woman likely wouldn't do much and hasn't worked in the past. My other SIL called her a scrounger to her face once and she got upset but carried on once BIL argued back. I do think BIL doesn't see she cries a lot of crocodile tears so she doesn't have to stop this behaviour.
I don't think she has MH issues but I'm not a professional. She just gets a kick out of saving money, I've seen her stand and haggle in a charity shop, to me she has no shame in her.

I should have said no to them coming but I really like people coming. I'm NC with my own family and only my manager and his wife come that are my guests, the rest are DH family and friends.
I think today will be an awkward phone call to BIL to let him know it's either got to be addressed and her told no or they can't come. I know it's last minute to do this but the anxiety I get from the tension on Christmas day isn't worth all this.

From a purely nosey stranger on the Internet, how did you get on with SIL on Christmas day?

daleylama · 26/12/2024 19:28

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This story? A try on? Seriously?

MarvellousMonsters · 26/12/2024 17:59

Addyview · 23/12/2024 09:51

I think I've read everyone's replies so I'll answer you all here now I've woke back up. My reason for being awake so late is specifically down to SIL and the dread of her.

She's late 20s and grew up in a middle class family, no struggles but her parents are also pretty tight, nowhere near her level and her mum hates her own daughters behaviour from what I've seen.
In the past I have let her take food home because it was awkward to say no. I stopped inviting her round for coffee and a catch up because if I offered her a biscuit or a sandwich she'd ask for extra to take home and it was weird.
On Christmas I try to laugh it off and just say no when she asks for presents but it just goes further where she will then say its not my sort of thing and she'd get more out of it, I did get a little firmer by the end of the day last year but it didn't seem to deter her any. DH ate as much as he could when she asked people to not eat all of something she wanted so he could prove a point but again she would just push further.
Saying a firm no to this woman likely wouldn't do much and hasn't worked in the past. My other SIL called her a scrounger to her face once and she got upset but carried on once BIL argued back. I do think BIL doesn't see she cries a lot of crocodile tears so she doesn't have to stop this behaviour.
I don't think she has MH issues but I'm not a professional. She just gets a kick out of saving money, I've seen her stand and haggle in a charity shop, to me she has no shame in her.

I should have said no to them coming but I really like people coming. I'm NC with my own family and only my manager and his wife come that are my guests, the rest are DH family and friends.
I think today will be an awkward phone call to BIL to let him know it's either got to be addressed and her told no or they can't come. I know it's last minute to do this but the anxiety I get from the tension on Christmas day isn't worth all this.

How did you get on?

Deeperthantheocean · 26/12/2024 17:51

You are donating leftovers to a charity nearby the day after...

PifandHercule · 26/12/2024 16:29

Please give an update and tell us how it went.

WheresThe · 26/12/2024 16:20

Maybe grabby SIL bought the OP (size 14) an amazing cashmere sweater in size 8 (her size) and instantly tried to swipe it when OP unwrapped it. It was last straw for OP and both her and SIL ended up in A+E where they are still waiting to be seen. OP has run out of phone charge.

RecklessGoddess · 26/12/2024 16:14

I really hope this is updated soon, I'm sure we all want to know what happened in the end. Especially since the last update was on the 23rd of December!

Dontwearmysocks · 26/12/2024 15:24

@Addyview did she behave herself?

ThisIsSockward · 26/12/2024 15:20

Even if someone starts a thread for creative writing purposes, it seems odd to let things end on such a flat note. Wouldn't you want to carry it through to a satisfying conclusion rather than abandoning it unfinished? Or are people writing themselves into a corner and unable to come up with the proper denouement?

Maybe it's all strictly true, but OP doesn't want to face people 'I told you so'-ing or scolding her for not taking their advice. Or it was just a bit anticlimactic, with SIL behaving herself for once.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 26/12/2024 14:54

I can’t believe that I now know:

  • the ending to Gavin & Stacey
  • what happened in the Queen Vic
But have NO idea what happened with the SIL!
VegTrug · 26/12/2024 14:51

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JaneFrances · 26/12/2024 10:54

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If so they need more help than the sister in law.

SatansBobbleheadedDashboardOrnament · 26/12/2024 10:22

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BMW6 · 26/12/2024 10:03

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LardoBurrows · 26/12/2024 09:59

I do hope that the SIL didn't leave Op's house weighed down with all her Christmas freebies.

SIL sounds like a nightmare.

TheMaddHugger · 26/12/2024 09:31

@Addyview

Christmas Mainzel GIF by ZDF
Rainbunny · 26/12/2024 09:24

I hope you'll update us with the results of either your pre-emptive phone call or the outcome of her visit!

I don't have any great advice other than the simplest and hardest thing to do, when she makes an inappropriate request the answer must be "No." Repeated as needed. It will be very uncomfortable for you but after the first few times you'll find it easy, you really will. The first time is the hardest! You don't have to shout it, just say it quietly and firmly and most importantly, don't elaborate. Just say no and move on.

Again, I know this isn't easy to do, we're socialised to be pleasant and accommodating. Just remember, she knows how to behave when she's in a situation where she'll be held accountable (I'm sure she doesn't behave like this with her boss) so she'll adjust when you establish boundaries as well, especially if you keep it to a polite but firm no. Good luck!

FairFuming · 26/12/2024 08:55

She's a much more extreme version of my Ex MIL. I have no advice other then stop being polite and set very tight boundaries.

I really hope yesterday went well for you and you had the best day.

ThankULord · 26/12/2024 08:12

Hi, OP.
How was your Christmas? Hope it was better than previous years with your SIL?
I couldn't help thinking about your SIL yesterday. How does an adult someone behave like that ???

Lemonadeand · 26/12/2024 07:32

I want to know how this played out!

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