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Original poster

To Tell SIL To Stop Claiming Things?

761 replies

Addyview · 23/12/2024 04:03

I've been with DH a very long time and we have a child together, I get on well with his brother but his brothers wife is another story. She's nice enough most of the time but makes a lot of situations very awkward because of how tight she is. Whenever she comes round if I offer her something to eat she says things like "Yes, can you also wrap some up for me to take home" no matter what it is! There's a million examples I can give but she basically won't pay for anything and is always on the scrounge.
My husbands brother earns a lot of money and so does his wife so its not like they ever struggle, BIL says its just who she is and does try to stop her.
Anyway on Christmas they're coming for dinner but last year was so uncomfortable because she basically laid claim to everything she saw. Every present she saw me open she was asking if she could have it if I didn't like it or when I was fed up of it, she was pointing at things on the dinner table saying she'd take the leftovers home and telling other guests to not eat it all! It really got on my nerves by the end of the day.
She's coming this year and me and DH are both in agreement that we need to say she can't behave like that because it makes everyone else awkward but BIL has asked us to leave it alone and just ignore her because she gets embarrassed. I'm half tempted to just cancel BIL and his wife altogether if I'm honest.
I'm several years into this womans impolite behaviour and it's casting a bit of a dark cloud over Christmas because I'm dreading her making everyone else feel uncomfortable when she starts! So to me my two options are ring her in the morning and tell her to not behave that way or uninvite them both and tell BIL why. I simply cannot have another Christmas day like last years.

OP posts:
ThisLuckyOpalShaker · 28/12/2024 18:33

Please give us an update on this OP!

Cford725 · 28/12/2024 18:33

Agreed. The emotion of embarassment is there for a reason.

LoyalShaker · 28/12/2024 18:29

This sounds like very strange behaviour, but there is usually a reason why people behave in the way they do.
I would wonder what her back story is?

Knowlewoman · 28/12/2024 18:27

This sounds like either a pathology or an utterly fixed personality disorder that's being enabled by her DH. She's clearly well off and doesn't want for anything, so this obsessive acquisativeness is unstoppable. I had to cut contact with a family member over similar, unchecked behaviour, and whilst not easy or comfortable, is better than being dominated by it.

You probably can't do anything rapidly but I'd suggest gradually cutting down contact or even going away to avoid her. Good wishes!

Cford725 · 28/12/2024 18:26

yes I agree that's tempting but a person like that would just make you look like the nut of the family, after she drove you to it.

Cford725 · 28/12/2024 18:25

well she's basically told you she likes taking advantage of you, it is a sport for her. Your discomfort is her sport. So leave her be. She's already proven her behavior will not change, so why give her one more chance to do it again on your holiday and your dime. Cut bait on her and the husband for allowing this and let your husband know unless he'd like to move in with them, he better side with you.

Allog · 28/12/2024 18:24

If she said she wanted the uneaten food to take home I would scrape all the leftovers from everyone’s plates onto her plate and say - fill your boots!

Surreymum3788 · 28/12/2024 18:23

I need an update on this lol

Cford725 · 28/12/2024 18:22

but doing that only opens the door to more excuses. Not her problem is she is unwell. She has a husband who can get her help. Seeing the consequences will also force him to start to deal with it.

Cford725 · 28/12/2024 18:20

Id say the problem actually lies with you...in that you allow one minute more of this kind of behavior in your space. It's abusive. Does she pay your bills? No? Then why do you need to put up with it for the sake of not upsetting her or her cuckold of a husband.

I had an overly dramatic father who would start trouble with me and my mother would beg me to just ignore him, or put up with it, or just give him what he wants, so as not to have to deal with it. Its fascinating how illogical the whole argument is of "can you please just take the abuse so that they can have their way and make everyone else uncomfortable?"

I ended up marrying a man just like it. The court room was the only place I saw someone act that way and get set straight, and were not accepting an inch of it, no matter how much bellowing, or garbage can kicking went on. It was a good lesson. Now that he's gone, my mother regrets all the years of being a mouse and just begging everyone to just appease the bad behavior.

So my advice is to put your foot down, and remember that you were not put on this earth to put up with this woman's nonsense. And every time anyone gives in it just validates for her that, "hey what do you know, this actually works." So do her a favor and uninvite her. And if you feel like being benevolent, do her the courtesy of letting her know exactly why she's uninvited. It may save her from a future of people running in the other direction when they see her, after her husband passes away or leaves her.

You can also give her something to complain about and let them worry about upsetting you from now on. You only have so much time on this planet, do not waste it putting up with other people's bad behavior for no good reason.

Delilah632261 · 28/12/2024 18:19

No more invites then, it's very simple. Sorry you are having to deal with this! Some people's self awareness is non existent

AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 28/12/2024 18:19

BrightonFrock · 27/12/2024 00:18

Her SIL packed her into a Tupperware and took her home.

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🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

LizzieBennetsSister · 28/12/2024 17:59

You can simply say No to every request The requests are so outrageous and bizarre that you could say No with a laugh in your voice, as if to say "As if". But I wouldn't be inviting her again after this year.

Finch88 · 28/12/2024 17:47

Is there any update @Addyview ?

I hope it went as well as it could and that Christmas was kind.

RampantIvy · 28/12/2024 17:45

VintageMan · 28/12/2024 17:40

I wouldn't suggest making a joke of it as it belittles her and she will likely make you feel bad for offending HER. I would suggest reflecting on the situation and how her asking thus all the time makes you feel bad as you do not know how to reply. You can add that it is hard to know when she is being serious or not. This will give her an off ramp to say that it was she that was joking. There is a risk that she will double down and say that she is serious and wants all this.if this occurs just ask her why such a successful person needs this, ask her to help you understand why. It will force the discussion that is needed.

Christmas day was three days ago

VintageMan · 28/12/2024 17:40

I wouldn't suggest making a joke of it as it belittles her and she will likely make you feel bad for offending HER. I would suggest reflecting on the situation and how her asking thus all the time makes you feel bad as you do not know how to reply. You can add that it is hard to know when she is being serious or not. This will give her an off ramp to say that it was she that was joking. There is a risk that she will double down and say that she is serious and wants all this.if this occurs just ask her why such a successful person needs this, ask her to help you understand why. It will force the discussion that is needed.

JessicaRabbit6 · 28/12/2024 14:02

Addyview · 23/12/2024 09:51

I think I've read everyone's replies so I'll answer you all here now I've woke back up. My reason for being awake so late is specifically down to SIL and the dread of her.

She's late 20s and grew up in a middle class family, no struggles but her parents are also pretty tight, nowhere near her level and her mum hates her own daughters behaviour from what I've seen.
In the past I have let her take food home because it was awkward to say no. I stopped inviting her round for coffee and a catch up because if I offered her a biscuit or a sandwich she'd ask for extra to take home and it was weird.
On Christmas I try to laugh it off and just say no when she asks for presents but it just goes further where she will then say its not my sort of thing and she'd get more out of it, I did get a little firmer by the end of the day last year but it didn't seem to deter her any. DH ate as much as he could when she asked people to not eat all of something she wanted so he could prove a point but again she would just push further.
Saying a firm no to this woman likely wouldn't do much and hasn't worked in the past. My other SIL called her a scrounger to her face once and she got upset but carried on once BIL argued back. I do think BIL doesn't see she cries a lot of crocodile tears so she doesn't have to stop this behaviour.
I don't think she has MH issues but I'm not a professional. She just gets a kick out of saving money, I've seen her stand and haggle in a charity shop, to me she has no shame in her.

I should have said no to them coming but I really like people coming. I'm NC with my own family and only my manager and his wife come that are my guests, the rest are DH family and friends.
I think today will be an awkward phone call to BIL to let him know it's either got to be addressed and her told no or they can't come. I know it's last minute to do this but the anxiety I get from the tension on Christmas day isn't worth all this.

How did the day go @Addyview

GrapefruitFrog · 27/12/2024 19:47

WE NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED???

MsNeis · 27/12/2024 17:26

dementedmummy · 26/12/2024 23:45

From a purely nosey stranger on the Internet, how did you get on with SIL on Christmas day?

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Same here 👀

Donsyb · 27/12/2024 16:56

Addyview · 23/12/2024 04:22

It's been playing on my mind since DH asked his brother over again this Christmas last month.
Her behaviour is strange but it's more that she's made it her personality now. She will gladly sit and brag that she gets all she can for free out of life and doesn't like paying for things. Whenever we've approached it in the past like when we told her we didn't like that she refused to pay her share on a family meal out she basically told us she would rather we didn't invite her than expect her to fork out any money for things she's not interested in.

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Well there’s your answer - stop inviting her. And when she asks why say she asked you not to!

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 27/12/2024 16:48

I think OP's SIL has eaten her...

OneTC · 27/12/2024 16:26

useitorlose · 23/12/2024 05:01

'No' is a complete sentence in this situation.

Oi gannet, NO

Nantescalling · 27/12/2024 16:23

n updatewould be nice after 26 pages of comments !

Mikki77 · 27/12/2024 13:29

How was Christmas?
Hope your SIL didn't spoil it.
Have a lovely new year.

pebbles8811 · 27/12/2024 13:22

@Addyview We need an update on what happened Xmas day please

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