To Tell SIL To Stop Claiming Things?

Exactly…
She behaves or she doesn’t come. There is no way I would be putting up with her asking for my Christmas gifts and leftovers…it would ruin my day.

Stop inviting her then. When they question why they are never invited out just say that you were taking SIL at her word, that she would rather not be invited anywhere than have to pay her fair share and as you aren’t willing to fund them this is the consequence.

Have a word or send a text today about please don’t ask for my gifts or leftovers, can we just enjoy each others company and then over Christmas…
Can I have your gift-no, we already discussed this
Can I have leftovers-no, we already discussed this
Don’t eat it all, I’m taking that home-no you’re not, no, we already discussed this

Fuck what your BIL says, to just put up with it. Call it out.

I would call her and speak to her in advance. Ignore BIL's advice. After all, he's ignoring your discomfort. If she's embarrassed, the embarrassment is self-inflicted. She doesn't sound right, though.

The first time she asks say 'No- you are getting nothing to take home- food or anything else so don't ask again.'
If she asks again get her coat.

Gosh, she seems to have taken meanness to a whole new level! I imagine yur brother-in-law is the embarrassed one, not her, no doubt he cringes in advance of what his wife might say.

She must be like that with everyone, somebody has to tell her to stop.

I wouldn't let it spoil my Christmas, or anyone else's. If she does come to yours and starts, just shut her down, divert the conversation, make a joke of it and move on. Or else tell her straight in private, which is what you are considering.

I've met many people who seem to be overly careful but this is a different thing altogether, sounds like an obsession.

This is legitimately crazy behaviour and why the fuck does Bil think anyone cares about EMBARASSING HER? If she turns up, before you sit down to eat, say have a wonderful dinner everyone, eat as much as you like, and just to note for Sarah <sil> there will. be. no. doggy. bags.

Probably the best way to deal with this is to tell him that she will absolutely be told this time that trying to bagsy all of someone else's food and possessions is inappropriate and rude, and leave the rest to him.

I agree. Tell him you will be telling his wife that she can't have leftovers or other people's presents if she asks, so it would be a good idea for him to pre-empt it by asking her not to ask.

If he feels he can't ask her it doesn't say much about their marriage.

And I would be firm but polite and say no to her requests.

I don't think it would be a good idea to say, when she asks for leftovers, that you are planning to eat them on Boxing Day/freeze them, etc.

Pointedly offering more helpings to everyone else would be better, otherwise the other guests will feel they shouldn't take any more because you won't have anything to eat on Boxing Day.

I assume it's BIL who gets embarrassed when people point out his wife's batshit behaviour, not SIL. And he's trying to avoid the unpleasant feeling by pressuring everyone else to just put up with it, and then he can relax. Probably the best way to deal with this is to tell him that she will absolutely be told this time that trying to bagsy all of someone else's food and possessions is inappropriate and rude, and leave the rest to him.

Of course, my fantasy response would be to leave the room, come back with an armful of shopping bags, and say "yes SIL of course, have ALL the things!" and start decluttering and shoving bags of crap at her. " No, take it, take it, it's all yours! Everything! Take it all! I don't even know why we have stuff, we don't need any of it! Wait, let me go round to next door, I'll tell them you are coming round to empty their kitchen cupboards" etc. 😂

please don't ask people to hold back when they're eating so she can have plenty of leftovers - because she won't be given any leftovers to take home, they are wanted for your family's future meals
yes absolutely this - if she mentions leftovers “we’ll be keeping all the leftovers as we’ve put a lot of time and money into this food so we’ll be enjoying the leftovers here for the next few days, I’m sure you understand.”

Your SIL sounds mentally ill. Seriously, that is nowhere near normal behaviour. Whatever the cause, you need to address this situation properly and, if that means uninviting them, that is what you should do.

When she says she wants the left overs say "Take no notice of sil, she's on the scroung again, have as much as you like". When she asks for your presents say "Give it a rest with the grabby comments sil, you've got your own presents to open, you'd jump in my grave given half the chance".
She really sounds quite annoying an possibly unwell.

I was wondering this too.

I would be either getting your husband to speak to his brother about it and if his brother cannot speak to his wife about her behaviour, saying they are not welcome.

Gong forward stop giving her food to take away. Start as you mean to go on.

Surely if you say something about it and she gets embarrassed then she will stop? She should be embarrassed, it's embarrassing behaviour.

Did your DH ask you first about inviting them?

Yeah, I imagine nothing short of her threatening not to cook the dinner will make them give a shit about OP’s emotional wellbeing.

yanbu. This behaviour is so bizarre.

BIL has asked us to leave it alone and just ignore her because she gets embarrassed
I’d be saying to bil “you need to have a word before you come to make sure she doesn’t say these things. Otherwise we are going to call it out ourselves because it’s completely unreasonable behaviour that makes everyone else uncomfortable and we don’t want that in our home on Christmas Day. If she gets embarrassed then that’s just the natural consequence of saying these things to people and she’ll have to decide whether she’d rather avoid being embarrassed or keep trying to scrounge from others when she has no need to.

How old is she? How very very odd and annoying!

@HotCrossBunplease well kind of my point, adding emotional labour to OP though and I think if it was me I'd send a warning shot over DH and BIL ....with a message saying if you don't get this handled I'm going to embarrass the shit out of her.

I wonder if she’s a hoarder. House full of free but useless crap. It sounds obsessive compulsive to me.

Personally if that happened once in my home there wouldn't be a twice and I wouldn't be waiting till next year,they wouldn't be coming this year.

Bladder 🤣 and the mountain of to dos before Xmas. You?

She definitely has some kind of odd complex. How weird, I’ve never met anyone like this. Kind of fascinating.

agree with others, say no on repeat. Also never offer any more leftovers to take home ever again. Set up a new status quo

Presumably because the behaviour doesn’t bother them as much as it bothers OP.

A lot of men have a habit of tolerating stuff if it means avoiding family confrontation.

Your SIL brags about getting everything for free, so saying NO wont embarrass her in the least. Your BIL doesn’t want you pulling her up though, is he freebie mad by proxy?

Fuck that, you have a right to tell her to stop hassling people, I would tell her to stop being so Queen Mary, and everytime she starts with the “gimmee gimmee” you could pull her up saying “now now Mary stop that” or “no gimmee gimmee” it turns it into a joke so there is no bad feelings but it’s still telling her to stop behaving badly, make it a game so everyone joins in.
You don’t have to worry about inviting them then and if Bil says anything just tell him it’s fucking rude to act like a child in a candy shop and to hassle people for the skin off your custard. He can’t tell people what they can or can’t say to her to her blatant begging nor turn a blind eye so he doesn’t feel humiliated when she gets told off. He can tell her to stop behaving badly else he will mix with everyone by himself.