To Tell SIL To Stop Claiming Things?

If the can I have this present thing comes up “eh I don’t think so Jane but I am sure Mary can tell you where she bought it if you want to get one yourself”

For the leftover “if anyone is having the leftovers Jane it will be the people that have cooked the meal but we would rather everyone enjoyed it now so eat up everyone”

And then there would be a bit of a hard stare to Jane if she tried to object

Act like a petulant child then be treated like one. I don’t think she is embarrassed at all, the BIL is but doesn’t want to address his wife’s behaviour

Pull her up over her bad behaviour when she comes over and don’t invite them to family meals out, if anything is said, you just tell them straight they don’t pay their own way. Easy!

This one!

She gets embarrassed? Good. Go ahead and embarrass her - it's the only thing that'll stop her. Is she the type who would be embarrassed by you implying that she behaves this way because she's actually impoverished? Ask her if she's struggling to afford clothes (when she tries to nick the new cashmere jumper or whatever you were just given)? Ask if she's food insecure and refer her to the local food bank?

Or try:

"Do you not get fed enough at home, Jane?"

"Oh dear, she's at it again. Watch out everybody - this one'll have the gold fillings from your teeth if you yawn too wide".

(Clutching your new gift to your chest) "Bloody hell Jane, I sometimes wonder if I should check my jewellery box after you've left".

"Would you say you had issues with disordered eating, Jane? I used to work with someone who acted like this - always on a diet but seemed to think that food she hadn't made or ordered or bought herself didn't count. She'd come to work with no lunch but then nick some of everybody else's, and even take their stuff from the fridge without asking. Very ODD BEHAVIOUR".

Say it loud. Let it hang. Let it be awkward. For her.

I think you have 2 options tell her directly before Christmas that it needs to stop. Or wait till it occurs and discuss. It sounds like she has a problem. This isn’t normal behaviour. Did she grow up in poverty? I’d possibly warn bil but try nicely asking her why she does it because I think there is a bigger story here. But I’d still tell her no we don’t give things away when we are asked it’s not polite!

Have you actually told her that she's rude? Have you told your brother in law that her behaviour is seen as rude and also very odd and that you think he should be helping her, not brushing it under the carpet. She seems to have real issues that go beyond a lack of manners. BiL might think it's none of your business, but if it is affecting other people's enjoyment of occasions, it absolutely The easiest way for you to deal with it though, is simply not to invite them to anything.

Well who cares if saying something to her would make her embarrassed? She doesn't care that she embarrasses you and it sounds like maybe she needs to feel embarrassed. Really her husband should be saying it to her because clearly he knows its wrong and you shouldn't be the one put in that position but I would send a message in advance. Doesn't need to be rude or abrupt, just a can't wait to to see you for Christmas...... there'll be plenty of food but no doggy bags this year I'm afraid..... feel free to bring a desert/cheese etc....

Then if she does it again when she's there a simple 'No' or 'No remember, what we discussed?' and repeat.

But I'd rather get over the anxiety of it by sending the text now than waiting for it all day on Christmas day. Who cares if it embarrasses her honestly?

I voted YABU because you know what she's like and you're allowing her to come for Xmas day knowing you won't be able to stand her behaviour. It's a recipe for a huge family fall out.

The last three lines give you your answer. Uninvite her. Today.

And rubbing her nose in it!

I wonder if BIL is afraid of her?

Reluctance to speak on the grounds she gets embarrassed could be code for she gets angry. And nasty.

Maybe THAT is the conversation your DH should be having with his DB.

Cook her something easy, freeze it, and tell her before the meal that you've made it specially for her to eat the next day (or whenever). Then it's "oh no remember you don't need to take the spare turkey, remember the spag bol I made for you in the freezer??"

I'm picturing OP smacking SIL with a rolled up newspaper. 🗞️

My mother used to do this on behalf of niece over my dc. They were all a similar age and she just preferred dsis daughter and made mine feel inferior. It was always ‘don’t eat that! DN might want it’ or ‘I’m putting these chocolates away so DN can choose first’ she once offered my dc a kinder egg ‘but only the toy as DN ate the chocolate from all 3 last time she was here’ etc etc.

One day we went round and she said to me ‘don’t you dare touch those cookies they are for DN. I’m sure your dc ate before you got here’ I saw red and just opened the packet and handed each dc one and dn then sat silently and ate the rest . She just looked at me totally horrified. Then I took the dc home and didn’t see her again.

Sorry not exactly the same but just how someone was putting dibs on things before anyone else got a chance !!

I think you need to talk to them today and say you and everyone else found her behaviour rude and uncomfortable last year and you hope she won't be like that again this year. You or your DH talk to them both so it's all out in the open between the four of you. And say that if it happens again this year they won't be invited back again.

Weird how the BIL said she'll be embarrassed if anyone says anything about her behaviour! Good, she should be embarrassed!

You could always say “it’s a no this time, sorry” as that’s less personal from than “I said no” in the short term and to avoid a row on Xmas day. But I would minimise contact in the future - that’s the consequence for her behaviour.

"No your can't. Stop asking."

Repeat.

I think I am more angry at you. Stand up for yourself and your home. I wouod tell her to pipe down and stop repwating herself. No she cant have leftovers - I woule liie them for tomorrow (she can take her own leftovers home) and no you cant take our presents stingy old bat.
You need to get a backbone and ao does your DH. Twpp her as soon as she arrives. We will not tolerate that kind of behaviour this Xmas if you don't comply we will ask you to leave.

So weird. Sounds like she's not right in the head.

Think

SIL BIL DH You.

As in, there are two brothers in between you. Two men whose failure to commmunicate and assert themselves is causing you upset.

Today, have a stern word with your husband.

Tell him how how distressed his SIL's behaviour makes you.

Tell him to speak to his brother and set out that SIL's behaviour is unacceptable and needs to change.

Tell him to tell him to tell her to behave in a civilised fashion.

No scrounging free food.

No vulture behaviour over other people's presents.

Shouldn't have to ... Yet here we are.

If they fail, on the day, imagine she is a dog attempting to steal food off people's plates, or a toddler trying to steal another child's present.

Find your 'NO. BAD GIRL. That's food for everyone / that's x's present, not yours.'

NO can do a lot of work by itself.

What really strange behaviour. I have a family member who is very like this but they had a brain aneurism a long time ago and it's her 'normal' so such odd behaviour is just ignored by us now.

I'm guessing no such medical issues with your SIL OP?!

If you can, I would speak to her and say 'don't go asking for doggy bags, don't ask to keep a gift that has been given to me because if you do, I will call you out and embarrass you about your behaviour in front of everyone'. Make sure BIL is aware too.

She sounds bloody insufferable and personally I'd be developing 'tonsillitis' or COVID so to avoid having them over. Tough shit if they can't find a turkey this late in the day!!

I'd probably go with this. Be absolutely incredulous in your response. 'No, obviously you can't have my Christmas gifts.' 'No, obviously you're not taking home the left overs, you're being incredibly rude so stop asking.'

If I host people I want them to help themselves, eat and drink as much as they like and feel right at home. But someone like this in my house would make me shut that down very quickly and I would become pretty resentful of them having anything. I would dish out smaller, over cooked portions of food, wouldn't offer to top up their drink etc. I hope she isn't the type to take it even if you say no. If she is, and you think she will, pointedly tell her, in front of others, that you will have no problem checking her bag before she leaves. She sounds like she needs to feel embarrassed by her behaviour.

I never thought I'd quote Nancy Reagan but " Just say No"

It's been playing on my mind since DH asked his brother over again this Christmas last month

Tell your husband to cancel them.

Your SIL’s behaviour is extremely weird and very rude. I’m certainly not condoning this, but the only rational explanation I can think of is if your BIL and SIL make a contribution towards the food and or drink on the big day maybe she feels ‘entitled’ to get some of the leftovers. If they do contribute, either goods or money, I’d explain in advance that all leftovers will be shared out on a pro rata basis, ie if you contributed 1/10 of the total cost you can take home up to 1/10 of the leftovers!

However, if they don’t contribute, I’d be tempted to send a message to SIL and BIL today explaining this year you’ve decided to celebrate the true meaning of Christmas by doing a charity fundraiser on the big day. Say something like,
…Looking forward to seeing you and hosting Christmas for everyone again. This year, DH and I have decided to use this opportunity to give something to our local food bank/charities supporting the increasing number of children and elderly people living in poverty in the UK. We find it especially poignant to think of those less fortunate than us all at Christmas time when we always have so much more than we need. In order to make an sizeable donation, we intend to eke out any food leftovers for a week so we can donate the money we will save on our next week’s food shop. Alternatively, as we know how much you like leftovers, please bring some cash with you as we will be selling off leftovers by weight at £10 per 100g and it’s strictly cash on the day. Additionally, after everyone has opened their gifts we will be holding a charity auction to sell any unwanted gifts to the highest bidder, with a starting price fixed at 100% of the original cost.

From what you’ve said, SIL won’t want any presents she has to pay for or leftovers at £10 per 100g! 🤣🤣

Just say no… and briskly move on.

"It's a 'no freebie' Christmas this year - sorry - I've got plans for it all!"
'No freebie Christmas' can be your go to phrase this year & then make plans without her for next year.