To Tell SIL To Stop Claiming Things?

Just say no to her
"can I have that?" NO
"wrap that up to take home" NO
"Don't eat that I want to take it home" You can't

If a pre-visit call/text is sent, DH should do it, as it is his brother’s wife.

Sounds like everyone else is sick of her batshittery, so there is little risk of you looking like the crazy one, so here is what I would do if I were in the situation: I’d gear up my best firm headmistress voice. “No, Mary, our guests can eat as much as they want. And everything that is leftover will be my leftovers for the next few days. Nobody is taking home leftovers today.” “No, Mary, this is my Christmas gift, not yours. I will be keeping it. You have your own Christmas gifts to enjoy.” Nice and firm, with a bit of teacher scolding undertone to it. I wouldn’t try to be discreet about it. Your other guests will appreciate it too, no doubt.

If the behaviour is as bad as you say, she clearly has some serious mental issues. No one in their right mind behaves like that.

I would do as some PP have suggested; have a stock phrase to brush it off and repeat as necessary.

After Christmas, you could kindly suggest to your brother that your SIL might benefit from therapy. It sounds like her parents have messed her up.

Call or message (I'd message but I'm a wimp)

Hi SIL,
Hope you're looking forward to Christmas day.
Just to let you know - we won't be tolerating any requests for people's gifts, food etc on the day; any requests will be seen as very impolite and treated as such. You've mentioned before that you enjoy getting what you can out of events - but this has previously made multiple people exceptionally uncomfortable and its something that has been really concerning me in the run up to this day.
I appreciate that you've said before that you'd rather not be invited in the above instance so I wanted to pose the choice to you now, to avoid any fallout on the day.
We otherwise enjoy your company, so hope you choose to attend on these conditions.
All the best

Good luck with the phone call @Addyview . Let us know how you get on. Be prepared for all the waterworks and them seeing their arses. Just stick to your guns, and stay calm yourself.

Sounds like she needs counselling for this. It's not normal behaviour.

Do they contribute anything? Any food or money or is it you paying for everything?

I don't think you can uninvite at this stage, because it would cause WW3 but I do not think YABU. I would either raise in advance or, on the day, the first time she says something like that push back REALLY firmly "SIL - let me make it clear, you will not be taking home any presents that aren't yours nor will you be getting leftovers. We will keep saying no however much you ask so do us all a favour and don't bother" and if she persists just say "We've talked about this. No" DH needs to do the same.

A bit like reasoning with a overtired child really! You're the boss and you are resolute. And tell DH not to invite DB next year...

God, I LOVE the tambourine idea. Every time she's grabby, someone jangles it. Every single time. If that doesn't annoy the fuck out of her and make her stop, nothing will.

"Don't be daft" to everything she asks?

"That's not up to up" re what your guests can eat!

That one would really piss me off.

Telling people in your house what they can/can't do.

OP, you absolutely can uninvite them at this short notice if your BIL isn't willing to address this. You have tried things in the past. Her behaviour is so far beyond reasonable or polite behaviour I don't think you need to worry about manners with regard to her invitation.

Saying you can't allow someone to attend because they will try to stop your guests eating food she wants to take home and asks for your presents as you are unwrapping them...this is not someone hung up on social niceties.

@Addyview, you haven't said much about your husband's role in all of this. It's his brother and so he should be stepping up.

He could speak to his brother to let it be known that there are conditions to the Christmas invite and that if they aren't willing to uphold them, they should stay away. He can tell his brother that he needs to have plans in place as to how to deal with any transgressions and to nip them in the bud immediately because if he fails to do so, they will both be asked to leave.

In sharing this, you BiL and SiL can make an informed decision as to whether to come and cannot blame anyone else for any upset they subsequently experience arising from her bad behaviour

Tbh, i don't see this as your problem to solve.

My earlier post quoted a PP and I still maintain that SIL needs to be spoken or she gets disinvited, but I sincerely don't think this is your problem. On reading your ipdate and how your very own DH eats more than he really wants to, just to make a point to her beggars the question WHY DID HE INVITE THEM??????

This is not your problem. Tell your DH to sort it. And to sort it ASAP.

If she still ends up coming and shows a shameless disregard to your feelings, home and property/presents, then it is clearly HIS situation to handle.
Step back. Honestly, it would feee your mind and reduce your anxiety.

It's CRAZYTOWN that everyone tolerated her behaviour last time and didn't say anything

Locate your spine!

There is a fish called Bruce at Bristol Aquarium who has learned the feeding cues of all the other fist and plays chicken with them to take their food. He head butts the sting rays right off their feeding platform.

To deal with this the technicians have a seperate grey target for Bruce and give him a tiny piece of squid to distract him from the other fishes while they are being fed.

Maybe every time your SIL tries to claim something offer her a drink or something to eat. At some point she'll pass out and you can enjoy the rest of the day in peace.

Alternatively you could bang on a tambourine to distract her, but that would be weird. It might put her off coming back though.

I don't think you can cancel them at this short notice. However you absolutely can get your DH to send a text to his brother and ask that he have a word before they come, because if it happens again this year then SIL will be getting asked to stop claiming everything and you'd all hate for her to be "embarrassed" 😂

If someone immediately asked me to hand over a gift I'd just opened I'm afraid I'd be so shocked I'd probably ask them if they were drunk. I've just opened the fucking thing! The gift giver is sitting right THERE!!! How on earth do you think that's acceptable????? Fucking hell. How greedy are you?

As for the food, I'd be very VERY firm when I laid it on the table in saying VERY loudly and clearly that everyone was to help themselves to whatever and however much they wanted. If she was socially impaired enough to try to grab leftovers before they even became leftovers, she'd be told to stop. I'm not discussing this with you SIL, there will be NO LEFTOVERS leaving this house. Don't be selfish.

If you can’t I invite her and BIL won’t have a word in advance then I wound just be repeating “No. Stop being so grabby” until she, well, stops being so grabby.

So she goes out to a restaurant with the family, eats and drinks and then refuses to pay her share of the bill? What happens then?
Does she say at the start she won't be paying anything?

@Addyview STAND FIRM!
Make that call. {Or text if feeling less brave}

Her scrounging behaviour is like a feral dog, except she isn't starving.

I do wonder if there is a psychological reason for this awful grabby behaviour, some ''lack'' that she is seeking to fill.

It's bizarre behaviour.

Imagine the embarrassment of her eyeing up people's plates and presents on Christmas Day- you can't possibly be entertaining that behaviour.

She sounds insufferable.

The phone call needs to be done. And if she dares to open her gob after that you need to tell her directly that if she ever goes on the scrounge again she won't be invited back next year. Who cares if she gets upset?

Crikey. Her manners are absolutely appalling. You need to have a word with your BIL and explain to him that it's not "just who she is": these are learned and unlearnable behaviours about reasonable boundaries.

Aside from talking to bil and her directly what else can you do about it? It's a bit late in the day to rescinded the invite. Is it more of a problem for you than your dh? I'm trying to understand why he would invite them again? Her behaviour would piss me off. I'd deal with it by being direct so when she asks for leftovers, 'not you on the beg for food again', when she asks about your presents, 'not this again, keep your mitts off of my gifts' and repeat. It sounds like it will be a laborious day. Have the chat before next christmas and maybe she'll take it on board, if she doesn't, don't invite them.

Well from your update I'd agree. Just tell BIL that this upsets and stresses you and so you'd like this favour this one day.
And then don't invite again !

Yes, you definitely should've said no to them coming.