To Tell SIL To Stop Claiming Things?

Please make sure you update us OP - this is one of my favourite Christmas cheeky fucker stories

"SiL - I'm planning on keeping that and having it on Boxing Day" or "No, we'll be freezing that and having it on NYD as we'll all be so tired and won't want to cook" or "SiL, we're not going to be doing that this year, I do hope you've managed to get some food in for yourselves as we'll need all of this for us for the next few days."

I would be having words with your brother and say that not saying anything isn't going to be an option so either he says something to her before they arrive or you and your DH will be saying it to her directly - which would HE prefer???

I think BIL needs to understand that her behaviour is ruining Christmas for some of the family. A conversation definitely needs to be had - with both of them, or he'll just try to shield her again and expect you to suck it up for her sake.

She sounds awful, OP. It's really not OK that you are losing sleep in the run up to hosting Xmas Day because of her nonsense - and it IS nonsense! These traits are not 'just her' and she can, and bloody should, pack that shit in!

I think it’s a bit late to cancel the invitation, but you and DH need to make sure you’re on the same page at saying no. And if it gets out of hand DH should say to BIL that he needs to have a word or you both will, whether SIL gets embarrassed or not. She’s embarrassing you both in your own home by her behaviour.

’can I have your Christmas present?’ No, don’t be ridiculous you’re not getting any of my presents.

’what about that one’ No, come on cut it out stop asking, you’re not getting anyone else’s presents.

’I’ll have those leftovers’ No you want, we’ll be having all the leftovers.

’can I take that home’. No.

’Don’t eat that, I want to take it’ Don’t be ridiculous SIL, we have prepared this meal for people to eat. Tuck in everyone.

@Addyview please can you update us all on Boxing day about how things went on Christmas day?!! 🙏

@Addyview I'd talk to her and tell her that you can't have her over as her behaviour upsets everyone and you don't need to tolerate her but that her husband is still invited.

With regards to presents, ignore it. With regards to food, you could say, ‘oh sorry, X, if we have any leftovers, we’re using them for xyz dinner’.

Just say no every time she asks and shut it down or tell them to make their own arrangements, shops are open, she can go out

Scrape some of your food off your plate onto hers, saying, 'I'm full. Have this. Oh and I've got a bit of meat some stuck in my teeth. Would you like that as well?'

It's a bit late in the day to rescinded the invite

It’s not too late! Shops are open. I have brought Christmas dinner yet, I will be doing so tomorrow!!

She’ll have to pay her own way then.

I take it she doesn’t contribute anything? Wine, dessert?

Also, get your dh to ask his brother if they're broke and financially struggling because he's noticed his wife begging all the time. Just start shaming her husband into getting her to behave or declining invitations.

I saw mentions of Queen Mary on this thread and googled. I never knew she was such a grabby brat!

Yeah I'd take this approach. Sounds like the SiL has been in the picture long enough for pleasantries to informal enough.

"Can I wrap this up to take home?" Could be dismissed with "Don't you have food at home?" "That present would be more use to me" - "Didn't you get your own presents?"

Then either carry on with previous conversation / activity or, to make things more awkward for her, just pause and stare at her.

Agreed. A firm no repeatedly. If she keeps doing it take her aside and ask her to stop as it is spoiling the day. I wouldn't laugh or joke along with her. She needs to behave herself.

At this stage OP, I wouldn't even give them the choice, you KNOW that he won't be able to stop her asking for stuff, if they do come, and it will be YOU that suffers, just cancel the invitation and tell them both why. Then follow up with a letter telling them that unless she's prepared to act like a normal human being there will be no further invitations for either of them. Someone needs to make it clear that this behaviour is NOT acceptable, so after all the worry you've put yourself through, why not make it you, at least then you can feel you've done everything that you can. As a matter of interest, why does your DH keep inviting them when presumably he must know how her behaviour upsets you, and everyone else?

I think if she asked for leftovers I’d say that we were planning to have them later on, but if they’re desperately financially struggling then you may be able to put something together. Then at least it will shame her DH enough for people to think they’re struggling.

Do not let your BIL use the 'she'll be embarrassed' card. It certainly doesn't trump you having to put up with her grabby rudeness at your literal expense. And it's embarrassing for you and your guests!

I'd just say she can't come unless BIL talks to her, and if she can't agree to not ask for things or 'reserve' things or similar behaviour, she can't come. And if she does it anyway, you tell her you'd like her to leave as she's making you uncomfortable with her mooching again.

I'd also address this with Dh. Where's his voice when she's after your presents and food.
He invited them so each and every time he can address it.

Does she hoard?

@CatsndtheBear nailed it with their answer.

you give in????? you actually give in?????

When I read your original post I had in mind an older lady, bit set in her ways. And I’m not stereotyping, I am in my 50’s.
She’s in her 20’s!!!! She’s clearly never gone without, but I think her behaviour then suggests she has real mental health issues.
Perhaps she has worked out that all of this brings her attention. It may not be positive attention, but it’s attention.
OP has lost a night’s sleep over it. And that’s just a small part of it.
How does her own husband cope with it? Colleagues? If she has children is she going to grab from them?
I would not invite then next year unless she gets some help. Because she clearly needs it. I’m not excusing her, but if she’s like this in her 20’s it will only get worse.

Keep asking if they're struggling financially, your bil won't like this and hopefully will ask his wife to stop begging.

Ask her directly 'are you broke because you keep begging for leftovers'.

Fine.Don't invite her

What @Toomanyemails said. If you've been acquiescing to ANY of this, while understandable in the moment (I think I'd be too shocked and just say yes on autopilot!) you've been rewarding her behaviour. It's completely understandable but now you know, time to set a hard boundary. No leftovers, no stealing extra presents from other people (WTF).

I'd also lean into the embarrassment that your BIL is so afraid of - if it's not an incentive for her to pipe down it'll be an incentive for him to ask her to. When she asks for leftovers tell her she's welcome to cook and host everyone if she wants leftovers, call her Ebenezer, just raise a disbelieving eyebrow, etc. And don't give in. Laugh along with everyone else so she knows they all think she's weird - and don't be afraid to say, "you keep doing this. You do know I'll have to ask you to leave if you don't stop? It's really unpleasant and weird" . Essentially make it their problem. You can call (or your DH can call his brother) ahead and let them know that behaviour won't be tolerated, so she's been warned.