To Tell SIL To Stop Claiming Things?

"you absolute trash-panda." 😆😆😆😆

Trash-pandas, ie raccoons, are however, a lot cuter than greedy, grabby relatives.

Greedy Labrador! 🤣🤣🤣🤣 brilliant!!!

My Mum died a few years ago, and at her funeral there was a woman that I didn't recognise.
"Hello, how do you know Mum?"

"Oh I don't, I'm just here for the afternoon tea, Anne invited me". Anne was a woman my mum loathed, but she'd go to every village funeral, no matter whose.

I got the hotel staff to remove the pair of them, before the tea was served. Just said they needed to clear out as they weren't known to Mum. Anne actually tried to grab a plate of food as she was escorted out.

I'm still gobsmacked, years later.

Your SIL would do that, too, wouldn't she?

Ffs SIL give it a rest, you're coming across as really grabby!!!

She sounds ill actually.

First mention of leftovers being taken - say loudly and firmly - no, I need this for our dinner tomorrow, dropping them to a friend, have guests - whatever you you think best. Next mention of it - loudly and firmly, I said no. Next mention - ignore. Going home time and she asks - I already said no.

Trying to nab gifts - first mention - I’m keeping all my gifts. Next request for them - completely ignore.

I’m liking the idea of using it to your advantage.

‘Don’t worry Grabby Gertie I’ll box up plenty of leftovers for you!”

Scrape everyone’s leftovers into a Chinese takeaway box before you put the plates in the dishwasher. Strip the turkey and wrap the carcass in foil. Put it all into a carrier a bag and hand it to her when she leaves “Here you are!”

Saves filling your own bin up.

Have you ever been tempted to wrap everyone an absolutely awful gift, say, a half used shower gel, an old bag for life, pickled herrings… and have everyone unwrap them then hand them straight to SIL: ‘I assume you’ll want this gift too Mary?’ Just to see whether she accepts?
Im joking of course, no ganging up on her. There’s been some great advice from PPs. Good luck and please update us.

If she wants to make this charming trait her whole personality, I think you should all get on board. Make jokes about how shameless she is every time she asks.

"Stop begging for our scraps, Sally. You absolute trash panda."

Off the back of a PP's "Are you a seagull?" remark, get the whole family to imitate the Finding Nemo seagulls.

I can possibly, if I really stretch my imagination and forgiveness, understand asking for food leftovers.

But to ask for someone else's presents immediately after they are unwrapped? That's very strange and concerning behaviour.

This would drive me mad. Can you and everybody in your home’s answer be ‘I find that really rude’ every single time she tries to scrounge? Just eww though… I’d really not want to be in your situation.

Thinking of you making that phone call OP. Well done for standing up to this CF bully.

Every time she asks say loudly into the air not looking at her ‘no begging for food plz’ ‘no begging plzzzz’
‘no harassing guests for food PLZ’ like you would to a greedy labrador.

BiL says not to mention it because she will be embarrassed? Well bloody good- she should be embarrassed. She carried on with this selfish bizarre behaviour because she always gets away with it.

I think this is occupying way too much of your headspace.
I’d get your DH to call - it’s his family- and simply say her behaviour isn’t acceptable and she will need to leave your house if it happens again. And never be invited again
The end.

I worked with someone like this… sooo cheeky and barefaced, it was breathtaking!!
she used to pester to come round to my house and “go through my clothes” to have what I apparently didn’t want!! 😲
She latched on to a nice couple and practically rinsed them of everything bar what they stood up in! They kept bringing stuff in cos she’d asked for it and I overheard the man saying, “there’s nothing left now” to her. So she dropped them!!! Got herself invited to parties, weddings etc for the free food and took the entire family to the evening do ‘for their tea’ When the Coca Cola Xmas lorry came to town, she hit the security men cos they stopped her grabbing everything! Made the local paper with that one..!
She was something else…

Put less on the table is the answer.

Objectively hilarious and disarming.

”Can I have your gift?”
“Is it crack you’re smoking, Brenda?”

Make sure not to use her actual name, too. It’s just funnier that way.

Is she autistic? I don’t mean that rude , but she sounds almost obsessed with doing this and surely can’t see how socially unacceptable this is. I work with autistic adults and have an autistic child and this is similar to the type of things I’ve witnessed - not exact - but just the lack of a social filter / awareness of others reaction / feelings .

im not surprised this is weighing heavily on you , it would make me feel so awkward .

Love this. “Right everyone! Mary said she wants all of the leftovers. Now that we’re all finished, please do scrape what’s left on your plate into this Chinese takeaway box for Mary to take with her when she goes.” Then perhaps a sympathetic, “So sorry to hear you’ve fallen on such hard times this year,” head sympathetically tilted.

This. OP you can even use this expression if BIL kicks off trying to defend her when you ring - "it can't be all her way, she can't get to create an awkward atmosphere for us and our guests and then you say we're not to mention it! I'm mentioning it!"

TBH I'd just withdraw the invite, but tell them why, then they are at least clear about the reason, and to be fair, it's what she said she wanted, to not be invited if she can't freeload!

As others have suggested I wonder if there are some mental health issues (recognise or unrecognised) going on. It sounds difficult to manage.
Can you have an open and curious chat with BiL so he doesn’t get defensive. Maybe ask him how he manages the behaviour in other situations, or how she adapts at work?
It could be helpful to agree a set simple phrase to remind her of boundaries eg ‘no, that’s not appropriate’ or ‘you have yours, this is for x’

What she calls 'left-overs' aren't, though, are they. You've planned to eat them the next day.

Maybe you could offer her any actual left-overs from people's plates and everyone can then scrape what they haven't eaten onto her plate - so a couple of bits of roast potato, some fat from the meat, a turkey bone, a few peas, couple of shreds of cabbage and some gravy with bits in it.

Get your DH to speak to his brother and be VERY CLEAR

BIL needs to stop SIL vulturing or you will have no choice but to pull her up in front of everyone and not in a 'jokey way'. BIL needs to understand that SIL's 'embarrassment' is a by-product of HER behaviour and not your problem. You are embarrased by her. she makes everyone feel uncomfortable. It's not funny or in any way acceptable and it's on him to speak to her.

If she does start up, I'd give her one chance - along the lines of "oh we spoke about this - no vultures this Christmas thank you!" and if she carries on, I'd be really forthright.

"No - you are not 'earmarking' food/gifts for yourself. This is our stuff and you are not taking it home. Now please stop as you are making everyone uncomfortable"

Surely the old Mumsnet adage of "Are you on glue?" would suffice for this situation?