To Tell SIL To Stop Claiming Things?

Her behaviour sounds so extreme that to me it seems like she might have a form of scarcity anxiety. She doesn't have to have come from a poor background to have this - but might have had some childhood trauma around the availability of resources. I honestly couldn't get worked up about it but I can see how it would be annoying to others. I'm really comfortable saying no and would just accept this as a quirk. It's causing no real harm to others. To me it would be like dealing with a rather forward child. Annoying but not worth causing any major family issues.

Call her and say you want to discuss this privately before the day because it is making it very uncomfortable for everyone.

Apologies for not reading the whole thread-yet- but what would happen if someone asked for one of her gifts? ‘I’ll take the Chanel number 5 off your hands Mary’?
And what gifts does she buy for the guests and hosts?

A sharp 'no!' and a tap on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper should put a stop to her nonsense.

I would send them both a WhatsApp (maybe with your dh in the group as well so she knows that both of them also know the score) and say "just a heads up that if there are any leftovers they will not be available for you to take home. My priority is ensuring everyone enjoys the Christmas feast, but if there is anything left over then I have a few recipes I'm planning to try out." If she makes any comments during the meal just flat tell her "absolutely not".

Open your presents with an "oh I'm so excited about this... I absolutely love it! This is exactly what I need" or similar, or be prepared/have you dh prepped to tell her she is being ridiculous and she has her own presents if she tries to lay claim to yours

Buy everyone a small pet. Anything from the rodent family perhaps. ‘I know what you’re thinking Mary, and this year you’re right. This isn’t my style at all, I insist you take these chinchillas/Guinea pigs/rats. No I won’t hear of it, Mary. Now is not the time for polite refusals. I can see you’re secretly delighted. Oh, Mary, you look like you’re getting emotional. You’re so welcome to these gifts. A lot of thought went into them.’ 😂
Obviously, pets are not for Christmas, I know.

Just say : sorry SIL, no dibs, we need to share with everyone
Reply as needed/ until she gets the message

How extraordinary. She sounds like a character from a Dickens novel.

How odd. And does sound extreme.

I agree that at her first request, you should knock it on the head with ‘We will be using these left overs for later meals’ and then ‘There won’t be any spares for you to take…please don’t ask again’
And keep repeating the last phrase if she asks again.

I’d be interested to hear how this goes OP. Hope you’re able to put a stop to it. If not, something gins v concerning about this behaviour as it’s not normal.

This. I find people who brag about getting free stuff etc really nauseating and it makes me feel uncomfortable. The BIL says she would feel embarrassed but isn’t she embarrassed with her behaviour at Christmas etc? Outrageous for sure!

When she walks in "Nail everything down, the scrounger is here!!!"

Make a big scene of carefully folding up your wrapping paper after opening each gift whilst loudly announcing, “Just folding this paper up as neatly as I can for you Mary, for you to take with you when you go!”

I actually think you can (and should) hninvite them today. The shops are open tomorrow and if they have the money they do, buying food for one day won’t be an issue. You also need to be clear about why. There is no point giving one last chance, spoiling your Christmas and making everyone uncomfortable.

the alternative (and my preference) is that you or you husband (because you are both adults and you should be able to stand up for yourself and not need your husband to speak to his brother!), call the brother in law and say you have recently come down with an affliction that means anytime that someone tries to claim something (food or presents etc) you ring a bell and shout grabby at the top of your voice. You can say that it is terribly difficult but there’s not much to do about it and please don’t raise it because you are so embarrassed. Behave terribly and calm her out in this fashion every time she does it… if your guests are up for it they should do the same (because it’s catching!). No I do appreciate this norders on bullying, but she is a late 30’s high earning woman who should know better. If she gets arsey you could reach an agreement that you will stop when she does.

your BiL may think you should accept her behaviour, but it’s not normal and frankly disrespectful and rude.

Yes, this is how I would handle it.

"No, I won't be giving you any of my presents, stop asking, it's inappropriate and entitled."

"I'm making it clear now that no one will be taking home leftovers, they are for my household to eat over the next few days. Stop asking."

"Don't be ridiculous, everyone eat up. You (SIL) aren't taking leftovers home."

It is utterly, utterly ridiculous. I'm glad your DH is having a pre-emptive word.

Good luck with the phone call. Remember you're doing nothing wrong. You're doing something good for everyone's sake actually.

I'm going to go against the grain and say give her leftovers....BUT... the leftovers would be whatever I have scraped off everyone's plates into a sandwich bag plus some porridge/toast/breakfast scraps in with it and just hand it to her all mushed up in the bag and say' we had some breakfast leftovers too and I know how much you hate waste so enjoy!' Then honestly don't invite her next year

Extra points if you scrape the leftovers into the bag infront of her

She needs someone to be brutally honest with her. If she still doesn’t care, there’s something very wrong with that and I’d stay far away from her.

Can't you just say re the leftovers, "Nope, I'm saving those for tomorrow's lunch"? And keep repeating similar for her other requests? She sounds awful.

I think it actually helps that she's so ridiculous and so rude, it makes it easier to call out every time. There's nothing subtle about her so you don't need to be subtle back.
Yes get DH to make the call to make it clear that this is not ok and it won't be tolerated again. If they still come and she does start this shit again then point out her shocking behaviour every time.
No, of course you can't have the present I literally just opened that DH chose for me.
Stop telling my guests what they can eat, crack on everyone.
No, the leftovers are our food for the week.
You're being very rude to keep asking.
Stop it.
No.

Next year, the entire family should conspire to buy each other nothing but donations to the Donkey Sanctuary so there is literally nothing for her to beg for.

I'd tell you to joke that she'd better not be planning to clear out the food bank on her way home. But I don't want to give her any ideas.

@Addyview You've had people on here suggesting all kinds of passive aggressive tactics to use on her, mostly to amuse themselves I suspect, but it's unlikely it'll work on someone like this.

She's hard-headed, disrespectful, doesn't mind steam-rolling all over you, doesn't mind the discomfort this makes people feel as long as she gets what she wants. These people don't respond or respect boundaries or attempts to negotiate politely.

If you have a serious issue with her, then I'd basically tell her she is to stop behaving like this. She is not to ask for a SINGLE thing, from anyone - not a single leftover, sweets, somebody else's present - NOTHING. If she does, she will be either asked to leave, or at the very least, she will not be invited to the next Christmas.

Expect sulking or trying to argue with you, but don't enter into any attempts at negotiations. Say what you have to say, lay out your terms, and the stick to them.

She may be shocked at your hard response, and she may not want to go through the indignity of actually behaving, so she might uninvite herself..... which will be a win for you anyway!

This^

Even chuck in some scrunched up wrapping paper and an empty cracker (not the Jacobs ones) just for that extra festive theme.

I understand your frustration, but handling difficult family members is an inevitable part of Christmas. I had an aunt who could be charming but also quite unpleasant, for reasons unknown. We used to be deeply offended by her but we eventually decided not to let her spiteful remarks affect us anymore. We even created a game called "Aunty Sally Lotto," where we would win prizes for being on the receiving end of her insults. She is no longer with us, but I do miss her and her antics.

Maybe you could do something similar with your SIL, with prizes for people whose presents she wants, the person whose dish she wants to take home and so on.

She sounds like a chancer. She has probably blown everything away on gambling and now has to beg, in order to survive.

Trash panda 😄