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To Tell SIL To Stop Claiming Things?

761 replies

Addyview · 23/12/2024 04:03

I've been with DH a very long time and we have a child together, I get on well with his brother but his brothers wife is another story. She's nice enough most of the time but makes a lot of situations very awkward because of how tight she is. Whenever she comes round if I offer her something to eat she says things like "Yes, can you also wrap some up for me to take home" no matter what it is! There's a million examples I can give but she basically won't pay for anything and is always on the scrounge.
My husbands brother earns a lot of money and so does his wife so its not like they ever struggle, BIL says its just who she is and does try to stop her.
Anyway on Christmas they're coming for dinner but last year was so uncomfortable because she basically laid claim to everything she saw. Every present she saw me open she was asking if she could have it if I didn't like it or when I was fed up of it, she was pointing at things on the dinner table saying she'd take the leftovers home and telling other guests to not eat it all! It really got on my nerves by the end of the day.
She's coming this year and me and DH are both in agreement that we need to say she can't behave like that because it makes everyone else awkward but BIL has asked us to leave it alone and just ignore her because she gets embarrassed. I'm half tempted to just cancel BIL and his wife altogether if I'm honest.
I'm several years into this womans impolite behaviour and it's casting a bit of a dark cloud over Christmas because I'm dreading her making everyone else feel uncomfortable when she starts! So to me my two options are ring her in the morning and tell her to not behave that way or uninvite them both and tell BIL why. I simply cannot have another Christmas day like last years.

OP posts:
HollyKnight · 23/12/2024 15:36

Just tell her no. I find it bizarre that you can do something as bold as uninvite family to Christmas but don't have the balls to answer Grabby Grabberson with "no".

ElsieMc · 23/12/2024 15:31

@godmum56 No. She has no rug perfume nor picnic. Hence the unhappy experience and empathy for the op and why she now goes elsewhere!!

MonteStory · 23/12/2024 15:31

Blogswife · 23/12/2024 15:17

I would wait until everyone arrives then ask for silence as you have something to say
“ Just letting you know that I’m not giving away leftovers to be taken home so don’t scrimp, have your fill and if anything is left we are eating it tomorrow .
Oh and while I’m at it, I’m not giving my Christmas gifts away either SIL.. Ok ? Great all enjoy. Cheers “
Hopefully your other guests will call her out if she doesn’t follow your request . If she carries on tell her she’s not invited next year.

Agree
Just be completely upfront - there’s no handing out leftovers or presents so please don’t ask. Get BIL to talk to her beforehand but also say it to her when she arrives.

Call it out every time - we asked you not to ask for presents/leftovers

If she still persists then stop inviting her and tell her why. She’s ruining it for everyone.

Irridescantshimmmer · 23/12/2024 15:28

Tell them they are not invited because you want to enjoy your mas with your family without the parasite.

She's worse than a bin bag full of maggots

Sleepysleepycoffeecoffee · 23/12/2024 15:23

Addyview · 23/12/2024 04:03

I've been with DH a very long time and we have a child together, I get on well with his brother but his brothers wife is another story. She's nice enough most of the time but makes a lot of situations very awkward because of how tight she is. Whenever she comes round if I offer her something to eat she says things like "Yes, can you also wrap some up for me to take home" no matter what it is! There's a million examples I can give but she basically won't pay for anything and is always on the scrounge.
My husbands brother earns a lot of money and so does his wife so its not like they ever struggle, BIL says its just who she is and does try to stop her.
Anyway on Christmas they're coming for dinner but last year was so uncomfortable because she basically laid claim to everything she saw. Every present she saw me open she was asking if she could have it if I didn't like it or when I was fed up of it, she was pointing at things on the dinner table saying she'd take the leftovers home and telling other guests to not eat it all! It really got on my nerves by the end of the day.
She's coming this year and me and DH are both in agreement that we need to say she can't behave like that because it makes everyone else awkward but BIL has asked us to leave it alone and just ignore her because she gets embarrassed. I'm half tempted to just cancel BIL and his wife altogether if I'm honest.
I'm several years into this womans impolite behaviour and it's casting a bit of a dark cloud over Christmas because I'm dreading her making everyone else feel uncomfortable when she starts! So to me my two options are ring her in the morning and tell her to not behave that way or uninvite them both and tell BIL why. I simply cannot have another Christmas day like last years.

I would start by telling BIL and SIL not to do any of this claiming and begging this year. If they argue it then I’d tell them they are uninvited

Derdu · 23/12/2024 15:21

I have come across someone like this before and tbh I came to think that it wasn’t the actual scrounging that was the issue. They seemed to enjoy other people’s discomfort. That they were ‘brave’ and ‘out there’ enough to ask what others wouldn’t. Massive self esteem issue deep down I think. It is also controlling behaviour as they are imposing their drama on a situation? A situation that they make about themselves? After many years of keeping quiet I decided to be quite brutal in the end and say I found it rather boring- not hysterical or awkward- just boring? That seemed to work… and then a few years after that my friend dumped them …

Blogswife · 23/12/2024 15:17

I would wait until everyone arrives then ask for silence as you have something to say
“ Just letting you know that I’m not giving away leftovers to be taken home so don’t scrimp, have your fill and if anything is left we are eating it tomorrow .
Oh and while I’m at it, I’m not giving my Christmas gifts away either SIL.. Ok ? Great all enjoy. Cheers “
Hopefully your other guests will call her out if she doesn’t follow your request . If she carries on tell her she’s not invited next year.

Noodlehen · 23/12/2024 15:08

My god, that sounds dreadful. I hope the conversation goes well and you manage a lovely Christmas

Herewegoagain84 · 23/12/2024 15:00

Addyview · 23/12/2024 04:22

It's been playing on my mind since DH asked his brother over again this Christmas last month.
Her behaviour is strange but it's more that she's made it her personality now. She will gladly sit and brag that she gets all she can for free out of life and doesn't like paying for things. Whenever we've approached it in the past like when we told her we didn't like that she refused to pay her share on a family meal out she basically told us she would rather we didn't invite her than expect her to fork out any money for things she's not interested in.

If she’s aware of it, and sees it this way, I would be having very firm words with her or the BIL and say they are not welcome if she thinks she can treat your family this way. You are being a generous host, how dare she attempt to knowingly get as much material value out of it as possible?! If they do come and she carries this on, I’d be directly pointing out that this is a horrible character trait.

GCAcademic · 23/12/2024 14:54

CowTown · 23/12/2024 13:50

Make a big scene of carefully folding up your wrapping paper after opening each gift whilst loudly announcing, “Just folding this paper up as neatly as I can for you Mary, for you to take with you when you go!”

Why stop there? When you empty the kitchen bin, give her the bag to take home. Empty the leftovers from everyone's glass into a wine bottle and hand it to her. The possibilities are endless.

BeAzureAnt · 23/12/2024 14:51

Addyview · 23/12/2024 04:22

It's been playing on my mind since DH asked his brother over again this Christmas last month.
Her behaviour is strange but it's more that she's made it her personality now. She will gladly sit and brag that she gets all she can for free out of life and doesn't like paying for things. Whenever we've approached it in the past like when we told her we didn't like that she refused to pay her share on a family meal out she basically told us she would rather we didn't invite her than expect her to fork out any money for things she's not interested in.

You could take the nuclear option and say, well SIL, you remember when you told us you’d rather us not invite you than for you to fork out any money or share? So, make your own plans for Christmas.

I can guarantee she’ll never do it again.

Butchyrestingface · 23/12/2024 14:44

Every present she saw me open she was asking if she could have it if I didn't like it or when I was fed up of it, she was pointing at things on the dinner table saying she'd take the leftovers home and telling other guests to not eat it all!

Ducking hell. 😨😨😨

Make sure you count the teaspoons before she comes, @Addyview.

She's a thief in plain view.

Brefugee · 23/12/2024 14:38

You tell BIL very clearly that he is to tell her not to do this, prior to them coming over. and if he hasn't, or she ignores him - you will be saying "Stop it SIL you are being an annoying TWAT" every time.

And that if she does it more than twice, she will be asked to leave.

JessicaRabbit6 · 23/12/2024 14:37

CatsndtheBear · 23/12/2024 04:44

I know someone like this.

The ONLY thing that helped was everyone agreed to reply to her with a "NO", said in the kind of tone you would to stop a toddler touching a stove.

Just that one word withs strong eye contact.
No placating or trying to make her less awkward, everyone looked at her when someone said the "NO".

We also once waited for the waiter to come and said to them that she would be paying separately so please create an individual bill for her. She knew then she needed to pay or else she alone would be in trouble.

It sorted the problem!

People like that rely on us trying to make things less awkward.

Instead, everyone needs to come up with a plan and follow through.

Maybe it’s the same person 😂😂

Pumpkinpie1 · 23/12/2024 14:34

I would
a/ message BIL and SIL saying
this year we are operating a

NO LEFT OVERS POlICY
please don’t ask as the answer will be a definite NO

I would then post the above notice in the house and on the table .
Her behaviour needs tackling head on and if she’s embarrassed it’s working!

Hotflushesandchilblains · 23/12/2024 14:33

PureBoggin · 23/12/2024 14:30

Why would it embarrass you?

Yes, didnt not do a good post there, did I?

What I meant was - I would say to BIL it needs to stop, and if he said it would embarrass SIL to be called out on her behaviour, I would tell him that it was embarrassing for me to be put on the spot like this, or to have a guest in my house behave so poorly. So in a toss up between her being embarrassed by me speaking up, and me being embarrassed by her behaving as usual, I would be going with her being embarrassed.

TinyMouseTheatre · 23/12/2024 14:33

"No I'm not giving you my gifts, no, I'm not giving you mine and no, I'm not giving you Turkey no and none of my wine

Genius! Can you suggest a bit of post dinner karaoke OP? Grin

jeaux90 · 23/12/2024 14:32

What's their home like OP?

Is she a hoarder or something?

So weird and rude.

I mean you can't say something because she's embarrassed? Confused

I'd crack a few one liners to "no scrubs" tune..

"No I'm not giving you my gifts, no, I'm not giving you mine and no, I'm not giving you Turkey no and none of my wine"

PureBoggin · 23/12/2024 14:30

Hotflushesandchilblains · 23/12/2024 14:18

The BIL says she would feel embarrassed but isn’t she embarrassed with her behaviour at Christmas etc?

Well, its embarrassing us, so I am going to go with not being embarrassed in my own house.

Sorry, edited to say that would be my response to BIL

Edited

Why would it embarrass you?

the7Vabo · 23/12/2024 14:29

This is one of the oddest things I’ve read online.

Point it out to her - “gosh Mary you know it’s not normal to ask someone for their gift/food etc”

And tell your BIL in advance that it just can’t happen, if she ask in his presence he need to tell her to stop

diddl · 23/12/2024 14:26

I'd be tempted to tell them that she does it once & they can leave-and follow it through.

Nanny0gg · 23/12/2024 14:26

Addyview · 23/12/2024 04:22

It's been playing on my mind since DH asked his brother over again this Christmas last month.
Her behaviour is strange but it's more that she's made it her personality now. She will gladly sit and brag that she gets all she can for free out of life and doesn't like paying for things. Whenever we've approached it in the past like when we told her we didn't like that she refused to pay her share on a family meal out she basically told us she would rather we didn't invite her than expect her to fork out any money for things she's not interested in.

There's your answer then

Don't invite her

zingally · 23/12/2024 14:23

Her behaviour sounds very strange, and certainly not normal.

I'd be wondering if she came from a background of insecurity? Early childhood traumas can run incredibly deep.

BonfireToffee · 23/12/2024 14:20

Not RTFT but a loud and incredulous laugh every time, along with, “Can you stop trying to help yourself to my stuff?!”

Shes fucking rude; it’s OK to be outraged.

Hotflushesandchilblains · 23/12/2024 14:18

The BIL says she would feel embarrassed but isn’t she embarrassed with her behaviour at Christmas etc?

Well, its embarrassing us, so I am going to go with not being embarrassed in my own house.

Sorry, edited to say that would be my response to BIL