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To Tell SIL To Stop Claiming Things?

761 replies

Addyview · 23/12/2024 04:03

I've been with DH a very long time and we have a child together, I get on well with his brother but his brothers wife is another story. She's nice enough most of the time but makes a lot of situations very awkward because of how tight she is. Whenever she comes round if I offer her something to eat she says things like "Yes, can you also wrap some up for me to take home" no matter what it is! There's a million examples I can give but she basically won't pay for anything and is always on the scrounge.
My husbands brother earns a lot of money and so does his wife so its not like they ever struggle, BIL says its just who she is and does try to stop her.
Anyway on Christmas they're coming for dinner but last year was so uncomfortable because she basically laid claim to everything she saw. Every present she saw me open she was asking if she could have it if I didn't like it or when I was fed up of it, she was pointing at things on the dinner table saying she'd take the leftovers home and telling other guests to not eat it all! It really got on my nerves by the end of the day.
She's coming this year and me and DH are both in agreement that we need to say she can't behave like that because it makes everyone else awkward but BIL has asked us to leave it alone and just ignore her because she gets embarrassed. I'm half tempted to just cancel BIL and his wife altogether if I'm honest.
I'm several years into this womans impolite behaviour and it's casting a bit of a dark cloud over Christmas because I'm dreading her making everyone else feel uncomfortable when she starts! So to me my two options are ring her in the morning and tell her to not behave that way or uninvite them both and tell BIL why. I simply cannot have another Christmas day like last years.

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 24/12/2024 17:06

HeadacheEarthquake · 24/12/2024 16:41

Everything she asks for just say "I've licked it so it's mine"

And if, as a CF my dad knew at work did, she pinches your phrase and says "Oh I have licked it so its mine! haha" you say "Oh so have I!"

HeadacheEarthquake · 24/12/2024 16:41

Everything she asks for just say "I've licked it so it's mine"

SpryCat · 24/12/2024 15:09

I just wouldn’t host her nor invite her to family meals out, the BIL made his bed let him deal with her. Alone

outerspacepotato · 24/12/2024 14:56

Uninvite. She's not going to stop wrecking your social occasions. That's rude AF.

But I would be tempted to get a squirt bottle and go for it every time she tried to acquire your stuff.

Does she do this to everyone and everywhere she goes? Or is it only with certain people?

Thelittlehouseonthehill · 24/12/2024 14:44

Every time she asks for something I would just say Oh Christ, not this again on repeat. She sounds like a nightmare.

BettyBardMacDonald · 24/12/2024 14:25

TinyMouseTheatre · 24/12/2024 11:53

"Please take as much as you want. We have plans to use anything leftover for ourselves

I've said this before in this thread but don't mind saying it again. I think that like is terrible advice when you have other guests. I want my guests to feel like they can eat as much as they want, not to worry that they'll be leaving plenty of leftovers.

Agree. Any mention of leftovers or quantities is crass, crass, crass.

RampantIvy · 24/12/2024 13:05

TinyMouseTheatre · 24/12/2024 11:53

"Please take as much as you want. We have plans to use anything leftover for ourselves

I've said this before in this thread but don't mind saying it again. I think that like is terrible advice when you have other guests. I want my guests to feel like they can eat as much as they want, not to worry that they'll be leaving plenty of leftovers.

Which is why I thought I had worded it carefully, but perhaps you are right.

How about this?

"Help yourselves to as much as you like. We don't do doggy bags"

Cherrysoup · 24/12/2024 12:52

Gobsmacked by her sheer front!

Why does bil not want her called out on her awful behaviour? Why has he not shut her down? She sounds like she has a compulsion.

I’d be brutal if she starts.

This thread has given me many laughs, I’ve never given so many thanks/laugh reactions. I hope the OP gains a spine of steel for tomorrow and shuts sil down at the first opportunity. Don’t let her take anything extra!

TinyMouseTheatre · 24/12/2024 11:53

"Please take as much as you want. We have plans to use anything leftover for ourselves

I've said this before in this thread but don't mind saying it again. I think that like is terrible advice when you have other guests. I want my guests to feel like they can eat as much as they want, not to worry that they'll be leaving plenty of leftovers.

RampantIvy · 24/12/2024 11:22

TinyMouseTheatre · 24/12/2024 11:06

I think the trick in the face of such rudeness is to fully remove your own filter.

Difficult when her boss is there though?

So be polite but assertive it isn't difficult.

"Everyone please help yourselves"

"But I want to take some home with me"

"Please take as much as you want. We have plans to use anything leftover for ourselves"

"But, but, but. I want, I want, I want (whines)"

"SIL, I'm sorry, but no you can't. We are keeping anything leftover. I have plans for other meals."

"Can I have that present"

"No"

"I know you don't like Bayliss and Harding toiletries"

"I am donating them to the women's refuge"

etc etc

VodkaCola · 24/12/2024 11:19

What's their house like? Is she a hoarder?

She really doesn't sound well.

the7Vabo · 24/12/2024 11:17

Enterthedragonqueen · 24/12/2024 10:47

Every time she says something rude, look at your bil with concern and ask him if he knew about her behaviour before marriage. Also, add with concern that if he ever needed any emotional support you're all there for him. That you fully understand the financial impact being married to such a person would be hard. How he's kept his financial situation away from you for such a long time is amazing blah blah blah.

Just make him squirm, make him think that that everyone thinks he's so broke his wife has to go begging. Tell him 'everyone thinks you're broke because she keeps asking for leftovers & people's gifts to sell on ebay because you're skint" Lay it on really thick and hopefully they'll either split up for good or they'll go nc 🙏. Either of these outcomes is a bloody marvellous result.

Edited

Id not sure if this is the way but I agree with the overall idea, as she seems like talking to a brick wall, you have to make him listen.

Tell him the truth but harshly - no one wants them around because of her behaviour, you think it’s insane and are you wondering what his motivation is for letting it go.

TinyMouseTheatre · 24/12/2024 11:06

I think the trick in the face of such rudeness is to fully remove your own filter.

Difficult when her boss is there though?

Enterthedragonqueen · 24/12/2024 10:47

Every time she says something rude, look at your bil with concern and ask him if he knew about her behaviour before marriage. Also, add with concern that if he ever needed any emotional support you're all there for him. That you fully understand the financial impact being married to such a person would be hard. How he's kept his financial situation away from you for such a long time is amazing blah blah blah.

Just make him squirm, make him think that that everyone thinks he's so broke his wife has to go begging. Tell him 'everyone thinks you're broke because she keeps asking for leftovers & people's gifts to sell on ebay because you're skint" Lay it on really thick and hopefully they'll either split up for good or they'll go nc 🙏. Either of these outcomes is a bloody marvellous result.

runningpram · 24/12/2024 10:24

No excuse at all for this bonkers behaviour but does she own her own home? Has she taken saving for a
deposit to an extreme level?

letstrythis · 24/12/2024 10:22

"Are you a seagull" - brilliant!

Browningstown · 24/12/2024 10:04

I think the trick in the face of such rudeness is to fully remove your own filter.

Respond to her rudeness with the full blast of your own unfiltered thoughts.

I just find it unbelievable that so many on MN allow Christmas to be ruined by catering to these types.

I am clearly very very selfish.

JFDIYOLO · 24/12/2024 08:23

I'd set up an anti reward chart in the kitchen, called CF SIL Olympics 2024.

With gold stars (3 points) for 'I'll have your present, it's not your sort of thing', silver (2) for 'nobody eat too much, I'm taking the xxx home' and bronze (1) for 'I'll have some more xxx to go.'

Tot up her score and present her with her results. Maybe make a shitty trophy out of kitchen foil.

See how 'embarrassed' she gets. (And of course she's incapable of getting embarrassed. Otherwise she would not do this. It's your BIL who suffers that, knowing what she is).

NotARealWookiie · 24/12/2024 07:13

She sounds a borderline kleptomaniac - I know she’s asking but it’s still very obsessive behaviour.

I presume your brother just wanted to see his brother at Christmas and that’s why they got invited but I think a conversation needs to be had directly with her in advance of the day - to give her the choice between coming and behaving or not coming at all.

Escaperoom · 24/12/2024 00:03

Each time she makes one of these comments count it up in your head. By the time you get to 10 you will be struggling to keep a straight face.

Rososos · 23/12/2024 23:28

Interested to hear how the conversation went. Hope it went well and OP updates us (if she wants to of course!)

DoubleFunMum · 23/12/2024 21:17

Greet her warmly at the door, 'Lovely to see you', etc, etc. Follow up with, 'Although I do hope you're not going to make everyone feel uncomfortable, like last year, by trying to knab all our presents and leftovers' tinkly laugh. Attempt to catch Brother's eye and, if possible, let him know that, if she does, there will be no future invitations!

Jinkslinger · 23/12/2024 21:14

From bad to verse.Sorry this thread has inspired me to rip off the German Carol Tannenbaum.

”Aunty Marge” has got no class -
She’s tighter than a badger’s arse.
For Christmas lunch, don’t dare be late -
She’ll have the Turkey off your plate.

And when you rip off wrapping paper
She’ll want that present now or later

She’s got the cash but she won’t spend
She’ll go on ligging to the end!

I’ll get my coat….

Mercurysinretrograde · 23/12/2024 20:15

If she starts her nonsense, look her in the eye and say “No, you can’t. Please stop asking.” Say it in the voice you would use to tell your Doberman that he is not going to take a shit on your dining room floor on Christmas Eve. Firm, calm and slightly menacing is what you’re going for.

tinglywingly · 23/12/2024 20:15

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